


A Guide in Mending a Broken Heart

by MemberOfThatAnonymousGroup



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:08:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 71,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26881198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MemberOfThatAnonymousGroup/pseuds/MemberOfThatAnonymousGroup
Summary: How do you mend a broken heart? With love and laughter.Winston works as a photographer's assistant, Monty is the model and let's keep it like that.
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall, Montgomery de la Cruz/Winston Williams, Zach Dempsey/Winston Williams
Comments: 150
Kudos: 146





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Winston's POV

A clod fingers brushed my bare shoulder, making me shiver uncomfortably, who wakes a sleeping naked person in a cold morning like that?! He does it again and I groan in discomfort and shrug him off.

"Good morning, babe" he whispers in my ears and I can smell the coffee in his breath and that was enough to wake me up.

I flip on my back to face him. He's sitting on edge of my bed smiling with his cup of coffee.

"What time is it?" I ask squinting at him.

"6:30"

"Too early." I groan again and bury my face in my warm pillow.

"Exactly." he says that and I hear his mug hit the bedside table, judging by the sound of the mug directly contacting the wood he didn't use a coaster, why can't he be cultured enough and use a coaster?!

I hear him shifting behind me then I feel his body contacting mine from behind. He's warm and it feels nice. He peppers my back and shoulder with wet kisses. Then I feel his hard poking at my ass.

I mumble while my eyes still closed trying to get back to sleep: "Seriously, Zach?! You're still horny after last night?!"

Last night was all about sex, blowjobs, and handjobs. I can't remember how many times we came, probably 3 to 5 times. I lost count at some point. It was so wild that Mr.Gibb who lives beside my flat knocked the door multiple times to tell us that we should 'shut our slutty mouthes' and that he'll report us to the landlord of the building. We tried to shut our slutty mouthes as he told us but you can't really control your moans in the heat of the moment when your hot muscular Asian boyfriend fucks you mercilessly.

"Why do you think you're awake this early?" He whispers in my ears while his hands managed to sneak underneath me to grab my semi-hard cock.

Great, just listening to him whispering and feeling his warm body pressed against my back was interesting enough for my dick to get hard.

"Okay, but let's be fast, I have to be at the studio before 9:30!" I say that while laying on my back to give him easy access for the handjob.

************

I feel comfortable, warm in his arms when my phone rings and my eyes snap open immediately at the realization that we dozed off after our morning sex. I take my phone to check the caller and it's Jonathan, the photographer I'm working for as an assistant. I curse in panic and sit upright. He doesn't call me at all unless he wants to scream at me, other than that he gives his orders via texts only. He's calling now so yeah he wants to scream.

I press the green button and wince at the hellish scream pentertrating my eardrum. "Where the hell are you?!"

I look around as if I don't know where I am. I'm in my room, on my bed, still naked covered with cum while my boyfriend is laying beside me rubbing the sleep out from his eyes.

"I'm on my way, the traffic is insane" I lied.

Maybe he'll buy it.

"Johnny boy, suck a bag of dicks" Zach says behind me. Nope. He won't buy it.

"Conider yourself fired if you're not here in 15 minutes. " and he hangs up on me.

I throw the blanket not caring about the cold anymore, I go to the toilet, brush my teeth in seconds, fuck the 2 minutes brushing rule. Will I be able to shower in less than 5 minutes?! Maybe, but then I'll have to deal with my wet hair which requires me 30 minutes to fix it the way I want. So I decided to wash my body only and leave my hair untouched praying that Zach didn't accidentally shoot his cum at it while giving me facial. That guy with his fetish.

I go to my closet and pick first thing that my eyes land on. A white jeans with green sweater.

"Would you like some pancakes?" Zach asks while getting up from his lying position to sitting.

"Are you fucking serious?! It's all your fault, if you had some control over that dick ..."

"Hey!" He cut me off pretending to be hurt.

He stands up and walks toward me while I'm struggling with my skinny jeans "let me make it up to you, I'll give you a ride."

"Can you do that?!" I stop for a second relaxing at the idea of not having to take the subway and mix with the stinky people.

"Sure, babe. Give me few minutes to shower"

"Oh no no, no shower. I'm already late. Drop me off then come back and take your shower!"

He rolls his eyes not liking the idea but he accepts anyway because really, there is no way he's getting me fired. It's Saturday, so he doesn't have classes. He can drop me off and do whatever he wants. As for me I'll have to stick around Jonathan until he decides to free me. Sometimes he purposely keeps me around after the photoshoot even if he doesn't need me. He just likes to torture me.

The ride is silent except for the occasional hums of Zach. I try to fix my hair in the side-view mirror but it's so obvious that it hadn't been washed. I give up. Who cares how the photographer's assistant's hair looks like when you've got models hot as hell sitting around.

Zach was speeding, maneuvering his way between cars. At some point I tightened my seat belt and braced myself because this was a ride to death. The studio is 20 minutes away from my flat but with Zach's crazy driving skills we got there in 10 minutes. I'm grateful but I won't admit it.

"Thanks for the ride" I kiss his cheek and get out as fast as I can.

"Hope you'll kick some asses"

What asses?! If there is an ass that would be kicked it would be mine. Sometimes he says the most random nonsense. But I still love him.

I get in the building rushing around. The studio was basically an empty huge apartment in the second floor that Jonathan is renting with his daddy's money. I could have gotten a better studio with my dad's money, but things are complicated with my family now.

"Sorry, the traffic..."

Jonathan interrupts me "was insane, yeah yeah" he scoffs angrily and starts fixing the settings of his camera.

I take my jacket off and look around. Good. The make up artist was doing the final touches on the model. I'm on time which explains why I'm still employed and not fired.

"Shall we start?! Everything set?" Jonathan addresses us including the model who stands up immediately preparing to be photographed.

"Winston, adjust the light" I comply to his order before he snaps at me. He takes few shots and stops to check them.

"Fix his tie" he says absently while looking down at his camera.

I get closer to the model, I haven't noticed him the moment I got in late. I smile at him in a friendly way.. "Hey" I say with a low voice. He doesn't reply but he briefly look at me for half a second. He was grumpy, a typical trait of each and every model Jonathan works with. Isn't it too early in their career to act like divas?! Most of them are models I've never seen or heard about yet they act like they are some runway models material.

"You've got something ..." he says in low voice while I was fixing his tie, I look at him and he's pointing at his neck under his ear.

What?! I don't get it.

"Oh forget it, just a hickey" and he's smiling in a smug way, proud that he managed to fluster and embarrass me.

My face is heating up, I hope he doesn't feel the heat radiating from my blushed red face. I go back to my spot trying to calm myself down. I look up and he barely suppressing his smile.

Fuck you. Let's finish this photoshoot already!

Few shots with Jonathan's instructions.Then he says : "Monty, keep looking at the camera, don't avert your gaze."

Monty? So his name is Monty. I look at him and he was looking at me with a weird look.

"Good, Winston get the white stool chair, I'll take few shots of him sitting"

I do as he told me. And just when I put down the chair behind the model, Jonathan whines: "Fuck! Is this a studio or a sauna bath?! Why is it so hot in here? Winston?!"

Get used to it, because you'll be rotting in hell for being a pain in my ass.

And he laughs, Monty burst in laughter. Wait, did I say that out loud?! I thought .... oh my God I'm so getting fired today. I look back at Jonathan but he doesn't seem angry or anything, he probably thinks that Monty is laughing about the sauna joke.his whole concentration on the laptop screen editting something.

"He's a pain in my ass too" he says with a low voice and winks.

Shit, I definitely said that out loud. I hope he'll drop it now because Jonathan is back to his position.

"Alright, we're done for today, I'll schedule your next shoot"

there's another photoshoot with him?! God no.

"Cool" he stands up from his stool and goes to change.

"Winston, help him get changed"

And that's a translation for: make sure he hang the rented tuxedo without wrinkling it. And in some cases keep an eye on the model so they won't steal anything. Because it happened before. A young model stole a gold ring and we never got it back. Jonathan had to pay for it.

I go to the changing room and the door was closed. I knock : "hey, can I help you with anything?"

He doesn't respond, I knock again and he opens the door almost shirtless with the tshirt arm holes already in his arms, he inserts his head in the head hole and now he's dressed in a tight black tshirt. And I saw it, I saw the tanned abs and toned body, he stands still and I realized that I was staring at his body. Damn you, horny Winston. No, damn you, beauty lover Winston. I'm not horny. I'm not attracted to him and I don't want him to fuck me in the changing room. I was just admiring the beauty of the body he works very hard to keep fit. Nothing wrong with that.

"The tuxedo is inside" he says.

"Yeah, thanks I'll take care of it."

He goes straight to Jonathan and talks to him. I can't hear what they're saying and I sure can't read their lips. They both look my way and Monty points at me with his head while Jonathan nods. They're talking about me! Fuck. Best case scenario he's telling him about the hell comment that wasn't supposed to be heard, I was just pissed off. Worst case he's complaining about me staring at his body like a creep. I can imagine him saying that he was uncomfortable with my stare and that it's not good for Jonathan's reputation to hire a creepy gay guy like me.

"Alright, see you tonight" Monty says and fist pump Jonathan. They're friends. Shit. Shit.shit. I should calm down. I'm waiting for Jonathan to call out for me but he doesn't.

I tidy up the place moving things around, switching the lights off while Jonathan goes to his office which is a very small room with his desk, and two chairs opposite to each other. I finish cleaning up then I knock the office's door.

"Come in" he said

I poke my head without entering the room :" Do you need me with something else?"

" yeah, before you leave order take out for me, pasta with chicken and white sauce, no garlic, no oregano, and a diet Pepsi better be warm, like room temperature warm. If it's cold I won't take the order or pay for it. "

He's so uptight even when he order foods. Doesn't he realize that it's not really smart to piss off the person who makes your food?! This is why I don't like my food to be delivered to the studio, I don't want them thinking it's for Jonathan and spit in it.

I nod and when I'm about to close the door he stops me:

"and Winston? we're invited to a party tonight."

I want to tell him that I won't be able to make it, I have plans with my friends. But I can't tell him that. Part of being an assistant to someone like Jonathan is to agree to everything they say and follow every order they give. And that party seems like an order not an invitation.

"Be casual, it's just a party thrown by college students."

Oh so nothing fancy, there won't be tux and sparkly dresses, okay I guess I can do that for few hours.

*************

I insert my key in the key hole but it doesn't go inside, so it's open. Alex must be home. He spent last night with his boyfriend Charlie, he was invited to meet his parents. Huge step in their relationship and I'm happy for them.

I get inside and I hear the cupboard door being opened and shut in the kitchen. I go there and find him pouring the boiling water in his cup.

"Hey" I say throwing my jacket at the back of one of the two chairs in the kitchen. Funny that we have a table to eat on but we never use it. We prefer eating in the living room while the TV on.

He put down the kettle and spin around with the cup between his hand.

"Hey."

"So, how was it?!" I ask excitedly because he's got that poker face which makes it hard to read his emotions most of the time. It's either the poker face or the annoyed expression. You haredly see him happy and smiling. He's like an emo kid but with a blond hair. It's odd how he's the complete opposite of Charlie. Charlie is radiating with happiness all the time.

He sighs while dipping the tea bag in the water. " I don't know" he looks at his feet then meets my eyes "are we moving so fast?"

They've been dating for 2 years, they definitely not moving fast.

"No! Why would you say that?"

He shrugs and says "I've always imagined my love life to be more challenging, you know."

Alex is a drama queen. He is blessed with a very supportive parents, they never give him shit about his sexuality since the day he came out to them in highschool, and Charlie's parents too are the same. They had it easy unlike Zach who almost got disowned by his mom when he came out to her, also she hates my gut although we've never met, to her I'm the guy who turned her 'straight' son to a 'homosexual'.

"You can't be serious, Alex!"

He sighs and changes the subject immediately:

"So, I ran into Mr.Gibb in the hallway, he told me to 'shut my slutty mouth' " he looks at me in disgust.

I chuckle and ask him "and that bothers you because he's assuming I'm fucking you?"

He raises his eyebrow clearly not amused : "you know Winston, the whole building doesn't need to know that you're having a wild sex with your hot sexy boyfriend, have some respect to other tenants" he leaves the kitchen and slams his bedroom door shut.

For someone who just met his boyfriend's parents and made his relationship official he's acting like a bitch. Something is bothering him but I know better than to ask him about it. He doesn't open up that easily.

Wait .. did he call Zach 'hot and sexy'?! He did, well I can't blame him. No offence but physique wise .. Zach can beat Charlie with 10-0.

*************

"You can't be serious!" Zach exclaims looking at me while I choose my outfit for tonight's party. I look at him and he's actually upset

"Zachy, I have to go, I might get fired if I didn't "

"Fuck him! Just quit!"

Easy for him to say that, he lives in a dorm that his mother pays for, and he doesn't have to work because his mom sent him money whenever he needs it.

" I can't quit, jobs are hard to find these days."

It took me 6 months to find this job, and I believe that I got it out of pity. Because I sounded desperate when I compared the assistant job to oxygen. Shit that was embarrassing. But it seemed to work out for Jonathan, he smelled the desperation and he's taking advantage of it.

Zach stands up and gets out of my room mumbling: "Whatever, I was looking forward for this"

So Zach, Alex, Charlie, Justin, Clay, and I, we rarely hang out together, they all busy with colleges, assignments, exams, and jobs. When we find the chance we gather, order takeouts, watch movies, play cards, sing karaoke.

I follow him to the living room: "Zach come on, it's only few hours, I might catch up with you guys. "

He relaxes a bit then say: "alright, but I get to drop you off and pick you up when you finish "

"deal" I kiss him lightly on the lip, and I catch Alex rolling his eyes.

"And you'll show me all the magic you've got in there" he points at my bedroom with his thumb, I laugh and say "double deal".

Alex throws the remote control on the sofa, gets up and mumbles "Get a fucking room" And he slams his bedroom door.

"What's up with him?" Zach asks with concern.

"I have no idea, he's been acting strange since he met Charlie's parents"

"He met them already?!" He was surprised.

"Yeah"

"Did they like him?"

"I don't know"

He keeps looking at Alex's room direction and say: "Anyway I wouldn't be surprised with that attitude. "

Alex can be sweet and charming if he wants. Apparently this time he doesn't, something is bothering him and I'm starting to get worried.

I finish dressing and Zach drives me to the party location that Jonathan sent few hours ago, it's a huge house in the upper class neighbourhood. This reminds me of the life I left behind. But I don't regret it.

Zach looks around after he parked in front of the house. Music is blasting and I could swear the car was shaking.

"So, text me when you need me" he tells me.

"Alright, don't drink with the guys though, not even a beer, I want you in one piece when you pick me up."

"Okay mom" he whined and I shut him up with a kiss. It was supposed to be simple and gentle but man I wanted to memorize his taste to keep me sufficed for the few upcoming hours. It was all tongues and bitings, we were lost for a moment when we heard knocks on the window from my side. We stop and look at the interrupter. It was Monty, leaning down to be at the same level as us. Shit he saw that. I blush immediately.

I roll down the window and I smile awkwardly: "Hello"

"You made it" he says gladly.

As if I have another choice.

"Jonathan's orders" I joke to forget what has just happened. Zach clears his throat to remind me of his existence.

"Oh, Monty this is Zach, Zach Monty"

Monty leaned down more to take a look at Zach, for a fleet second he looked confused when his eyes caught Zach's.

"Hey Zach, would you like to come in?"

"Thanks but I've got to be somewhere else"

"Right" he keeps looking at Zach with narrowed eyes as if trying to remember something "do I know you?! You look familiar "

Zach isn't fazed, he jokes :" is it because I'm Asian?! That's racist, man"

But Monty doesn't find the joke funny, he isn't laughing: "No, no of course not" he looks at me: "I'll meet you inside" he straighten up and leaves.

I was lost for a second, something didn't seem right, I see Monty talking to some guys and blending in.

"How do you know him?" Zach asks with a hint of nervousness.

"He's the model we shot this morning "

"Isn't he too friendly with you?" And I think I know what's going on.

"Don't tell me you're jealous?" I grin at him.

He grabs my head with both hands: "what if I am? Would you ditch their party and come back home with me and spend the rest of the night in bed?"

I laugh and free myself from his hands: "Don't give me a boner with that talk" I open the door and look behind me at him " I love you, enjoy your time with the guys"

" I will, you too" And he drives off.

I get inside the house, and I spot Jonathan immediately surrounded by guys and girls, talking to them. As much as I hate to admit it but he's the kind of guy you want to be around in these kind of parties. He's so social and you never get a chance to feel awkward around him. He can blend in every type of crowd. But he's still a pain in the ass at the studio. He sees me and nods at me slightly, then goes back to his conversation. He didn't gesture for me to get closer, okay so I'll just roam around.

I take some potato chips in a plastic plate with a bottle of soda, pretending to be enjoying my time.

"What are you? 10 ?" I hear Monty's voice beside me and I jump in my place. When did he find me?!.

He takes the soda from my hand, and I can't ignore the accidental brush of his fingers. I laugh and shake my head smiling: "I don't drink."

"Why is that?" He asks and takes a sip from the can. My mouth was there few seconds ago .. nevermind, this shouldn't bother me or turn me on. I look at him and he's still waiting for an answer.

"I can't hold my liquor and ..." I should have probably left it as that, that's a valid reason to not drink right?

But he presses: "And?"

I hesitate for a second: "I don't trust myself when I'm drunk"

He laughs loudly as he did in the morning after he heard me bitching about Jonathan. He has a nice laugh, loud and confident. He stops for few seconds to catch his breath and says: "who does though?"

And he continues sipping from my soda can while looking at me. He doesn't understand, I've been drunk before around my friends, and I do and say the stupidest things. It's like I can't keep my thoughts to myself. Every kind of thought. No exception.

Then I take the can from his hand and say: "Why aren't you drinking alcohol instead of stealing my soda?"

He gives me this weird look and his smile vanishes immediately, he says in a serious tone: "I have to stay sober, I'm in charge of dropping off my drunk friends later on"

That wasn't my question, I didn't ask him why can't he get drunk. I asked .... He cuts off my thought and say:

"Life is short, you should enjoy it while you can" And when I try to object he interrupts me: "I'll take care of you."

He said that while leaning closer to my ears. And I can't ignore how dirty that sounded in my mind but he clearly didn't mean it because he smiled innocently and excused himself to talk to a newcomer.

So I take his advice, and I go to where the liquor is.

*************

**Monty's POV:**

I didn't expect him to come to Bryce's, he seemed the kind of guys who doesn't party. I know that because I'm the party type guy and I don't see people like him around. I asked Jonathan- who's not only the guy who photographs me, but also an old friend of mine- to invite him, and he did.

I wanted to see him as relaxed carefree Winston not as Jonathan's assistant who runs around nervously and doesn't speak unless someone direct a question or an order to him.

I was waiting for him outside before he showed up. I'm not obsessed with him, I'm curious and interested in him. An obsessive person would use his friendship with Jonathan and get his number and his address. I just find him attractive.

Seeing that hickey hiding under his ear disappointed me a little, it meant he was in a relationship. But after he introduced me to the guy who was kissing him in the car-who I assume was the lucky boyfriend- I was no longer disappointed. That relationship was doomed. If it's not by destiny and circumstances, it would be by my own hands.

Zach was very familiar to me, and no it wasn't because he's Asian, I've seen him recently with someone else, and it wasn't Winston.

Tonight, I'll make my first move, I asked him to drink a little so he would relax, he seemed tensed but now I can't find him anywhere, I look in every corner of the house, and just when I thought he might have left, I find him on the dance floor area, dancing while grinding his lower body to someone else's, he's drunk, completely drunk but he's having fun so I don't interuppt him.

I watch him from distance and I smile at how fool he made himself look like. I'm very tempted to take my phone out and video record him to tease him about it later but I don't because the guy who was dancing with him leans down to his ear and whispers something. Winston doesn't stop smiling and he nods quickly, the guy's hand grab Winston's and he pulls him and leads the way to the door.

Is this really happening?! I follow them quickly and before he steps outside I yanked Winston's arm from his grip. He stops and looks at me in surprise.

I ask him : "Where the fuck do you think you're taking him?"

He looks nervous, like a kid who got caught stealing cookies or looking at porn, but he tries to stay calm and cool: "Chill man, we came here together."

I admire his quick attempt at lying but that was the stupidest lie I've heard since forever. Someone as attractive as Winston doesn't get associated with someone who clearly doesn't get laid for free.

Winston looks at the guy in confusion and asks "we did?!"

I direct the guy: "No you didn't!"

And my confidence seems to freak him out, he knows by now that I didn't buy it. Winston looks at me then back to him, still confused and drunk as hell, he repeats my words "no you didn't. "

The guy gives me a dirty look and leaves the party immediately.

I didn't realise that I was still holding Winston like my life was depending on it. The thing about these parties is that we don't know or trust everyone who get invited, he could be a rapist, organs dealer, or a killer for that matter.

Winston whimpers while trying to escape my grip: "You're hurting me."

I came back to reality and I let go of his arm. He rubs his elbow and I feel bad for a moment but then in a matter of seconds he leans forward and a yellow brownish liquid is gushing from his mouth, he throws up on the floor and on my shoe. I no longer feel bad about him, I feel bad about myself and the shoe I spent half my salary on it. When he said that he can't hold his liquor, I didn't expect this.

He stops for a minute, wipes his chin with a trembling hand and says: "I don't feel good"

You don't say, I grab his elbow gently this time and leads him to the nearest bathroom, the people around us part away immediately in disgust and we don't have to struggle and squeeze between them to get to the bathroom.

I lock the door and seat him on the toilet lid. He can barely keep his head upright, he throws his head and it hits the wall behind him. As bad as the situation is, I can't ignore the fact that seeing his neck exposed like that does some weird things to my stomach. But then there's that damn hickey ruining the whole fantasy.

I shake those thoughts and grab some napkins, wet them in the sink and go back to him. He flinched at the contact of the wet napkin to his forhead first then his face.

"I think I'm dying" he whines while his eyes closed.

I roll my eyes at his drama : "You're not dying, you're drunk. You need to get it out of your system."

As the mention of getting more out of his system, he retches and before he makes a mess he sits on the floor, raises the toilet lid and bury his face inside to throw up. I don't feel like getting closer to him, but I kinda feel guilty about the whole thing, if I didn't press him about drinking we wouldn't be here.

I crouch beside him and rub his back in a soothing motion. This isn't how I imagined the end of this night would be like.

He finishes emptying, closes the lid and looks at me.

He looks like hell, pale, with sweaty forhead his eyes are red like blood with tears filling them, his mouth and nose are red too.

I think about offering him a ride home, but my place is 10 minutes away, I can get there in 5, and he can sleep and go back to his place first thing in the morning.

I stand up and hook my hand under his arms to help him stand too "Where are we going?" He asks worridly.

So a random guy pulls him out to God knows where and why and he was all giggly and smiling, but me grabbing him worries him, nice. I won't be offended because he clearly is sobering up and he's aware of the things happening around him.

"My place" I answer.

He says with a suggestive pathetic smile: "it's okay, just fuck me here" .

And that offer was like a slap.

"No! I won't fuck you here"

"Please, just a quickie"

I sigh and rub my temple with my free hand. Drunk hornies are the worst type of drunk people. They molest you but you can't smash their faces because, well they're drunk and don't mean it.

He pushes my hand and sink to his knees without grace, his knees' bones hit the hard tile with a sound but he doesn't care. He goes for my zipper..

"Then let me blow you" he looks at me behind his sweaty curls. I brush the wet strands away, admiring his face for a second. This image will be engraved in my memory and will pop up everytime I jerk off. This isn't right. I shouldn't let him do that with this state.

He's not in his right mind. I wish if I was drunk too so I could convince myself that we were both drunk and that would make it okay. I can't give in to the temptation.

I swat his hand away and he looks at me in confusion.

"No sex, no blow job, we're going to my place to sleep that's all."

I help him stand up, he looks at me and say: "can I tell you something?"

I nod and he says : "You're so hot."

I smile at his compliment. They say a drunk person is an honest person, he finds me hot. This can be easier than I thought.

He continues "Just like Zachy."

And that was enough to steal the smile from my face.


	2. Chapter 2

I dream about being in the studio, assisting Jonathan with a photoshoot, we were shooting an elephant, but with the flash of Jonathan's camera the elephant loses its cool and attacks me, it wraps a chair with its trunk and throw it directly at my head. And it hurts .. it fucking hurts.

My eyes snap open to a pitch black room. My head is about to explode with pain. I blink few times trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness.

What happened?! Last thing I remember is being at the party that Monty invited us to.

I try to sit but my head is spinning and with every inch I move the headache intensifies. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I'm cold. A shiver shook my whole body.

"Good morning, sleepy head" I jump in my place and look at the sound source.

This isn't Zach's or Alex's voice. I can't see his face.

"Wh .. where am I?" I can hardly talk, my mouth is dry and my throat hurts. My eyes starts to get used to the dark by now. I look around at the unfamiliar room.

"My basement." he answers.

What the hell?! I believe him for a second because I can't see the windows, he laughs at my freaked out reaction. Oh he's joking. Good to know. But I'm still oblivious about my whereabouts.

"My room" he simply says that walking to the window which was covered by a heavy dark curtain. He pulls the curtain halfway to lit the room but still keeping it dim.

I inspect my surroundings again then it hit me, I'm naked, not really naked but the only piece that covering me up is my boxer. I don't remember taking off my clothes, I don't even remember coming here.

I look up at him while he's standing beside the window: "Did we .. did we .." I can't even say it.

Oh God we definitely had sex, this is how parties end. I shouldn't have drank, I should have stuck to the soda .. I

"You look more horrified at the idea of us having sex than being locked up in my basement." He said that while walking toward the bed.

Yes, because I'm in a relationship that I want to keep. That wasn't supposed to happen, cheating isn't a slip that a relationship can recover from. How am I supposed to apologise for this?! God I'm such an idiot, I put my head in my hands.

"Relax.We didn't have sex if that's what freaks you out" he says in a quiet tone. He read my panic just right.

I relax for a second and remove my hands from my face to look at him hopefully "we didn't?!" I ask again just to make sure.

He sits on the edge of the bed, I shift away slightly, he raises one eyebrow as if he doesn't like the small space I'm creating between us.

He says: "no we didn't, although you begged me for it"

I feel my face burns with blush, did I really beg him or he's just teasing me? I should use the bathroom as a getaway. But wait, Zach ...

"My phone?" I look around "I need to call someone."

"Right, your boyfriend " his tone was weird. A mix of disappointment and upset.

I nod silently. He stands up and goes to the corner where the trousers I was wearing draping randomly on a chair. He hands me my trousers and I shove my hands in both pockets, but they're empty except for my wallet.

"Where is it?" I look at him and ask in panic.

He shrugs and adds: "I didn't take anything out when I undressed you"

Undressed me?! Great, could my life get any embarrassing?!

"You probably lost it when you were dancing."

Apparently my life could get more embarrassing in a matter of second.

So I got drunk, begged for sex, danced and I tell you this, I have the worst dancing moves, then I got undressed by him.

I stand up, put on my pants, he hands me my shirt too and he's still standing there, looking at me while I dress. Not sure if he's enjoying what he sees. Nothing here to enjoy, I'm just a skinny guy. It's awkward, I need him to be occupied with something else ..

"Could you .. could you get me an uber?"

I don't want to ask him for a ride. I don't want to stay any minute in the same room as his. I feel suffocated. I'm not sure how to put this but right now I don't want to be around him, I just need to get to Zach.

"I can give you a ride" he offers.

With my luck I'm sure we'll be seen together by Zach, how? I don't know but that's how my luck works.

"No, I don't think it's a good idea"

He nods slowly, and he seems to understand my point. He gets his phone out and does as I asked without a word.

************

I paid the uber driver his fare. And I go running the stairs to where my flat is.

The plan is to take a shower and change then go to Zach.

I get inside and before I close the door I hear Zach's voice :

"Where the hell have you been?" He comes walking fast toward me.

He looks angry, tired, and worried. He doesn't look like he got any minute of sleep last night. I want to say something but I don't know what to say ..

"Do you have any idea how worried sick I was?! I fucking called Jonathan and heard his sleepy voice to ask about you!"

That must have traumatised him, Jonathan's regular voice was something but Jonathan's sleepy voice was something else.

"I'm sorry" I whispered not daring looking at his eyes.

"Sorry?!! Winston I was so close to call the police and report you missing!"

Alex walks toward us and silently stands behind Zach.

"I was drunk and ..." He cuts me off: "drunk?! Seriously?!"

He pushed me from his way mumbling "I can't deal with you right now." he opens the door and slammed it behind him.

It's quiet now, Alex doesn't say anything, I sigh and look at him:

"he's mad at me" as if he wasn't right here and witnessed the whole thing.

"Can you blame him?!"

No I can't. I walk away to my room and I feel Alex following me. I unbutton my shirt slowly when he asks crossing his arms:

"So, where were you last night?"

"At a friend's"

He doesn't believe me, I can see it in his eyes.

"What friend?"

"You don't know him"

It's not like we have the same exact circle of friends.

"Why didn't you text?"

"As I said, I was drunk Alex."

He sits on my bed, oh so the conversation is still on..

"You can't do that to Zach, he was on the verge of breaking down. He doesn't deserve this .. shitty treatment! "

I stop unbuttoning my shirt midway and look him in the eyes:

"Really?! Are you lecturing me about shitty treatment?"

And we both know what I'm talking about. This is about Charlie. Poor Charlie.

He looks at me with an intense gaze .. I say with all the quiet I could muster:

"Can I take my shower now?"

I didn't mean to sound angry at him but I did. He left me alone immediately and went to his room.

I took my shower, fixed something to eat and lied in my bed. My head was still hurting but it's better than when I was at Monty's. Shit. I feel embarrassed now thinking about all the stuff I said while drunk and can't remember them.

I should probably email Jonathan and tell him about my lost phone before he loses his shit. I turn on my laptop, write the email, and done.

At night I had nightmares about my childhood, I wake with my sweats seeping into my bed sheets. These nightmares come back only when I sleep upset. They never come after a night of sex with Zach.

I miss him already. I wanted to follow him when he left my flat but I knew better than to do that. Based on my experience-not that I upset him a lot or anything- when he's upset or angry at anything, he likes to be left alone until he cools down. He doesn't want anyone see him deal with his frustration. He once tried to deal with his anger differently and he came in the middle of the night asking for sex. I was about to offer him cuddling instead because I was exhausted but seeing how shaky he was I decided to be selfless and give him what he asked for. And neither of us liked it, he was too rough to my liking and he couldn't finish because whatever was occupying his mind was interfering with the blood flow to his cock.

I move my finger on my laptop's touch pad to check my email. A new message in my inbox. From Jonathan. Sent at 9PM

' _We have a photoshoot tomorrow, be there at 7. And I mean 7 sharp, not 7:01 ._

 _P.S. If the traffic is insane maybe you should consider investing in a private jet to drop you off at the studio on time_ '

Is he fucking serious, if I had the money for a private jet I wouldn't be working for your bitchy salty ass.

I look at the clock in the right corner of the screen. It's 2:15 AM.

I walk out the room to the kitchen, and Alex was there leaning down inspecting what's inside the fridge.

"Hey" I say, still feeling guilty about what I said to him.

He looks at me and nods. Good. He still likes me.

"Nightmares, what about you?" He didn't ask me why I was awake, but I told him anyway.

"Just hungry, would you like some noodles?"

"Yeah" I sat on the chair while he boils the water.

I clear my throat and shift in my chair:

"listen Alex, I'm sorry about what I said earlier "

"About being shitty to Charlie? Don't be"

I didn't expect that, he continues: "I mean, that's what I am really"

"But why? Why do you treat him like an accessory in your life when he treats you like.. like .. a God"

He sighs and takes the boiling water toward the table where I'm sitting and I make sure to watch his face for any signs of anger. I don't want him pouring that to my face. He doesn't though. Instead he fills our noodles cups with it and finally says :

" I don't know, Winston" He sits and continues:" I don't think I love him"

My hand stop midair after emptying the small seasoning packet in the cup: "What do you mean you don't love him?"

The guy introduced you to his family after 2 years of dating for God's sake. And you don't think you love him?!

"He's too easy-going, you know? I say the wrong thing and he apologises to me as if he's the one who made a mistake."

That's because he loves you, dumbass.

I say that to him out loud but without the 'dumbass' part.

"That's not love, that's just being stupid"

"So what now? You're breaking up with him?"

"I don't know, I kinda hope he would change"

"You can't lead him on anymore, you have to make up your mind, Alex."

"I know, I know"

"Good"

We eat in silence for sometime. Then for some reason I feel the need to tell him what really happened last night.

"Last night, I wasn't at a friend's house"

He looks at me clearly interested with what I'm about to say.

"I don't know the guy, I mean .. I know his name, he modeled for a photoshoot that's all"

"Did you two ...?"

Great, I mention the modeling thing and he expects me to spread my legs for the guy.

"No, no God no." I shake my head repeatdly.

He looks at me in a disbelieving way.

"I swear, we didn't sleep together. I just crashed at his place."

"Okay"

"Okay"

Then I say with a low voice while twirling my fork randomly in the noodles cup:

"but don't tell Zach about it"

Because Zach didn't seem to like Monty. He nods silently and finishes his noodles.

*************

I go to studio at 6:50, without an air jet. I prepare the cameras and lightnening.

Jonathan comes at 7:30 with a bad morning mood but that's okay, nothing I'm not familiar with. He goes to his office and after few minutes..

"Winston?" He calls out for me.

I go there and stands at the door.

"Here, someone dropped it yesterday" he extended his hand and it was my phone.

I didn't expect to find it, I was actually considering buying a new one, whoever found it, I'll make sure to reward them once I make it to fame.

"Who found it?" I ask because I'm curious who found it and how did they know about the studios address.

"How about being grateful and stop asking questions?"

Okay, someone is in a bitchy mood. I take my phone and leave him alone and sit on one of the chairs scattered around.

It's off, probably ran out of battery but I press the power button anyway and it's on. The battery is 100%, whoever found it has charged it before delivering it here, what a Saint!

Once it was on, the string of texts were flooding the screen.. I open them one by one, they were from Zach.

_"Hey, Are you having fun?"_

_"It's no fun without you, better hurry up"_

_"Did you forget about us?! still hoping you would hang out with us"_

_"Are you okay?!"_

_"Winston! ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE!!!"_

_"Okay something isn't right, you're not answering your phone"_

_"Winston if this is some kind of sick prank you're pulling to test my love, you better stop"_

My heart sinks with every message, I hate myself, I'll finish this photoshoot and go to the dorm he lives in. I'll just show up and he can't avoid me.

There's one new text but the number isn't saved. I open it and it says :

" _Bryce's maid found it under the couch, you owe me one ;) - Monty_ "

If my heart was sinking by Zach's texts, it jumps now back to its place with quick beats. Fuck, I shouldn't feel anything reading his text but gratitude.

I unconsciously press the call button.

Two rings and before I realize what I'm doing, he picks up:

"Hey" I can't see his face but he's smiling. Definitely smiling.

He's not alone though I hear a woman's voice "one Spanish latte, small size, please"

He replies to her: "You got it"

And I hear the clatters and coffee machine around him.

"Sorry, one second" he tells me then I hear his voice far from the phone talking to someone "Hey Tommy, could you fill in my place? Thanks"

Few seconds and the noise around him disappeared after the click of a door. He's alone now. He sighs: "hey" and he's still smiling, I'm not imagining it. Shit he can't be this charming. Not when I'm in a relationship.

I reply with a low voice: "Hey"

I'm not sure why I'm keeping my voice low, probably because I don't want Jonathan to eavesdrop.

"So you got your phone back, congrats "

"Thanks to you"

"Nah, thanks to Bryce's maid"

"Oh, so I owe you nothing? Sweet"

He laughs with that loud laugh and my heart melts a little.

"Hey, I charged and delivered it myself."

I stay silent for seconds, then I say with that low voice: "Thank you, Monty"

And I wasn't only thanking him for bringing my phone back, I was thanking him for sticking to his promise the party night by taking care of me.

He interrupts my train of thoughts: "You're welcome, Winston"

I should end the call now, I thanked him and that's all, mission accomplished. But I don't want the call to end so I say:

"So, a model and a barista, any third job?"

"A stripper" he said it with a serious tone but I don't buy it.

I chuckle: "That's a lie!"

"Yeah? Why is that?"

And the words just come out without being filtered: " A stripper with that body wouldn't need to work in other jobs."

And I wish if my parents had cut off my tongue instead of my foreskin.

There was a dead silent. Now I pray to God to send a tsunami that would drift me alone to an unknown island. Or an earthquake that would split the ground underneath my feet and swallow me forever.

Where's the black hole when you need one?!

"I .. I" I stutter.

"Appeantly, you don't need booze to flirt with me." and he laughs. And I'm supposed to relax but I can't relax, I just can't. He was cool about me flirting with him. But I'm not cool. I feel dizzy by the heat of my whole body and I want to end the call and block him forever.

"I have to go, Jonathan needs me" I lied, and I don't wait for his response, I just hang up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued... 🔄


	3. Chapter 3

We finished the photoshoot and I left the studio. I sent Zach a text but he didn't text back although he read it but I'm not blaming him.

I went to his dorm and his roommate told me that he's not back yet from his class, I asked him if I can wait for him in the room instead of the visitors lounge downstairs and he was okay with it because he wants to feed his curiosity: "So, you and Zach, are you two like ... boyfriends?"

How stupid does he think I am?! if he was meant to know this kind of information he would have known it by now from Zach not me. Beside, Zach and I have this agreement, no one from his dorm should know about his sexuality because the probability of them running into his mom during her sudden visits is very high and they would blow up his cover. After his mom's breakdown over him coming out to her he told her it was just a phase and he's no longer into guys. Of course he's going to hell for lying. And of couse she still hates me even if I'm no longer with her son in her little fantasy world.

"No, I work for Mrs.Dempsy" that was an unnecessary lie but I wanted to move the conversation to another direction.

He squints his narrow eyes almost closing them : "What do you do exactly?"

And score! Now he's interested in my career rather than our love/sex life.

"I'm just her assistant, I'm in the city for job related stuff and decided to come here and check up on her son and see if he needs anything."

"Can't she or you do that over the phone?" Still squinting his eyes trying to catch me on a lie. Okay, Sherlock Holmes.

"No, she thinks it's better to check him out with my own eyes."

With my hands and my mouth too, I giggle at my joke.

He looks at me with a blank face probably trying to find the funny part but he couldn't so he nods in agreement. He asked me few questions and I gave him few false answers then he put a stop to his curiosity and opened one of his textbook and started looking into it.

After 45 minutes of waiting Zach came in the room, and his face dropped when he met my eyes. He didn't expect me to be waiting for him in his dorm room. I stand on my feet after I was sitting on his bed: "Hey Zach." and I look at his roommate who's sitting on his desk studying then back to him. Kick him out, please.

He gets me so he says :"Hey Patrick, Could you leave us alone for few minutes?"

Patrick rolls his eyes and closes his book with force. He stands up and closes the door behind him. Zach looks at me now after he was following Patrick with his eyes. And that's my green light to speak.

"I'm so sorry about that night, I didn't mean to worry you, I .. " I stop while watching him drop his stuff on his desk and sits on the chair, crossing his arm while looking at me stammering with my own words "I got drunk and I know I wasn't supposed to get drunk, the drinks kept coming and coming and I didn't say no to them, it was nice to just relax and forget about all the things happening in my life" I didn't say that to win his compassion, Zach is the only person among my friends that knows shit about my life that no one else knows. He would understand the situation. I continue almost mumbling: "A friend took me to his place and I slept there"

I hope he won't ask me about my 'friend's ' name because I don't want to lie to him.

He stays silent looking at me with a cold stare and I wish if he would just say a single word. And he finally does: "Why didn't you call me the moment you woke up?"

"I lost my phone, but thankfully someone found it and gave it back to me" He sighs and looks away.

I go toward him and I crouch infront of him while my hands resting at his spread out knees. He's cooling down, and that knees touch will do wonders, I know it.

"Please, please forgive me, I won't do it again I won't ever drink" I whispered looking up at him with innocent begging eyes, I know how much he likes it when I look at him this way.

He finally looks at me and says :"You promise?"

"Not even a sip, I promise" Zach smiles slightly and I feel like I own the whole world.

He stands up and I follow along. He goes to the nightstand beside his bed, pull the drawer and takes out something. A small blue velvet box. He comes to me and say: "This is for you."

In what world do you fuck up and someone gifts you?!

I take the small box from him, I open it and I find a rectangular silver necklace. With his phone number engraved on it.

He explains: "When you get drunk again, whoever finds you can call me and I come to the rescue "

I just said .. no actually I just promised him that I won't drink a sip. I'm not sure how to feel about this gift. It reminds me of the pets' collars with the owners' addresses . I don't comment though because I want to fix things not mess it up more.

He takes it from my hand, unclasps it and put it around my neck. Then he sits back on his chair looking at me suggestively, and I know what to do next.

I look at him: "Am I forgiven now?"

"Not really" he's just teasing me.

I get closer and straddle him, the chair squeaks by my additional weight, it could break but we don't care, we have more important things to worry about, like the buldge in Zach's pants which started to form the minute I did the knee touch. I circle his neck with my arms and lean to his ear and whisper:

"How can I make it up to you, Zach Dempsy?"

**************

I walk home from the dorm feeling fresh, happy, and content. Even after Patrick barged in the mid of me blowing Zach. He was shocked but glad at the same time for being right about his suspicions. He said and I quote :

"Is blowjobs part of the job description of an assistant?"

I walk into my apartment to find Alex and Charlie on the couch cuddling while watching TV.

So Alex is still playing the role of the loving boyfriend.

"Hello peasants." I throw my messenger bag on the armchair.

Alex frees himself from Charlie's arm and sits up: "Someone is in a good mood."

Charlie jokes :"Peasents? Says the guy who lives in this shit hole."

Alex smacks Charlie's arm:" Hey! I live in this shit hole too"

"You don't have to though, just move in with me"

"You already have a roommate and you don't have a spare room."

"Why would you need a spare room?! if you catch my drift" and he winks.

Alex catches his drift which is why he rolled his eyes and now is looking at my direction, silently begging for my help to distract Charlie and change the topic of moving in with him in his room. I got it.

I sit on the armrest and say to Charlie:

"Hey, don't steal my roommate, I can't afford paying the full rent alone."

"Not my problem, Winnie. Just move in with Mr.Gibb."

Alex takes the matters in his hands and changes the topic: "So what makes you in a happy good mood? "

He's not interested in my answer, he has just realized that I'm useless at distracting Charlie.

"Zach and I made up."

Charlie asks with concern: "You guys were fighting?"

He didn't know? I'm impressed by Alex's ability to keep his mouth shut about what's happening between these walls. Props to him.

I say :"Not really."

"But why?"

Alex answers for me : "It's about that night when he partied hard and forgot about his boyfriend."

Really Alex?! you want to make me the bad guy here? I take my props back.

We spent the rest of evening chatting and laughing. Everything was going smooth and nothing could ruin my mood until I hear ..

_Ding_

A text notification on my phone, I open it..

_'Won't be at the studio tomorrow. If anyone asks tell them family emergency then report it to me. Monty is coming at 10 to choose the photos he wants, Mark them and I'll check them later.'_

It's Jonathan, and my day has just been ruined.

*************

I go to the studio at 9, nothing to prepare but I need some time to calm down. That call with Monty makes me blush every time I remember it. I don't think I'll ever be able to look him in the eyes. I never was able anyway. First because he was hot, and now because he thinks I'm a horny gay guy. I'm not even sure if he's gay. I don't get the gay vibes from him anyway. And he didn't make a move on me thankfully, because if he did I don't trust myself to be faithful to Zach. Maybe he doesn't find me attractive that's all. As painful as it feels that makes sense. And maybe he's just straight . I'm not sure which one is worse, him being gay and not interested in me, or him being straight.

"Hello?" It's him, he's here.

I leave Jonathan's office to meet him, he stands in the middle of the empty quiet studio with his sunglasses in hand, wearing that damn flannel but this time it's blue. I should say hi and stop staring at his biceps filling those sleeves.

"Hey." I stay my place beside the office, he comes closer and with every step my heart beats faster and louder.

"Is Johnny here?" He asks while looking at the office door.

So Jonathan didn't tell him he won't make it today.

"No, family emergency."

He scoffed and walks closer until he's one meter away from me and say :

"So this is what he calls it? 'Family emergency'?"

"What is it?"

He looks around as if making sure that we're alone, then he raises his perfect thin eyebrows and simply says:

"I hooked him up with a girl. He got _laid_ last night."

I didn't miss the emphasis of the word "laid" , him talking about getting laid raised the heat of my body. I swear he's doing it in purpose.

He puts his hand on my shoulder and I shiver but he doesn't seem to notice: "You can thank me tomorrow, when you meet the other side of him, the nice sexually satisfied Johnny."

Does he really have to talk about sexual satisfaction right now?! Please God, just turn on the fire alarm with your mighty power and let us leave this building.

One more minute of this conversation and body proximity and I swear my cock will rebel against me.

Monty goes inside as if he heard my thoughts. He sits on Jonathan's chair, and swings left and right. Of course, they're friends he can sit there. I followed him inside and grabbed the photographs folder, I want to finish this as fast as I can so he could leave.

"So how's everything?" He attempts small talk, He's being general. He isn't asking about my health only, he's asking about 'everything' including my relationship too I guess after freaking out about having sex with him. But wait, I should probably worry about what I said on the phone about him not being a stripper, because that was inexcusable.

"Good" I say while getting close to him and put the folder infront of him. I don't redirect the question to him though. That must have been rude of me.

I spread the photos on the desk and he leaned forward to look at them. A mix of scents flared my nostrils. His mint shampoo and coffee breath. He isn't wearing colonge.

He hums thinking while looking at them.

"They all look great, I like them all" he leans back as if he's done for today.

"Jonathan said you should choose 5 only."

And I imagine him challenging me and says " _make me_!" then I ..

"This is hard." he leans forward now, taps his fingers on the desk while looking at them again: "What do you think?"

He raises his head and hes dangerously close to mine. In a porn movie this would be the start of the action, we would kiss passionately, he'll shove everything in front of him to the floor creating space then he'll bend me over the desk and fuck me till I lose my ability to stand or even talk. But this is real life and in real life I have a boyfriend who I love and the guy sitting beside me could be a straight guy who's been just sending me wrong signals messing up with my gaydar. But did he? Or did I take his signals in the wrong way?

"I think they all look great" I keep it neutral But he presses: "Come on, you have to help me out a little."

This is a trap and I'm too smart to fall in it He wants me to choose the one with the half unbutton shirt , and he'll ask me why this one in particular, then I'll have to explain myself and tell him that he looked like a smoky Hollywood star. Nope, not happening, not today, Monty. Not today.

Suddenly I feel a light tug around my neck, I come back to reality and find him holding my necklace and reading the engraving with slight furrow. He looks up at me :"What's this?"

I look everywhere but his Hazel warm eyes, I try to straighten up but he's still holding it keeping me leaned down.

"A gift from Zach, his number in case I got drunk again, whoever finds me will call him" My voice was so low that I doubt he heard anything I said. But he did because he drops the necklace and it swings back and forth, he moves away from me not looking at my direction and says : "This is ridiculous!"

He stands up and walks to the door leaving. Is he upset? Over my necklace? What's going on?

"Monty, where are you going ?"

He stops at the door his back is facing me then he spins around to look at me :"You know what, for someone who sneaks around, he should be wearing a necklace with your name on it, to remind himself and everyone else that he belongs to you."

"What do you mean?"

He stays silent for few moments looking everywhere but me: "Keep your eyes open, Winston."

And he leaves, just like that, he dropped that bomb and left. I sit on the edge of the desk because my head feels light and I don't trust my balance. He can't come to my life like yesterday and mess up everything. The thing between Zach and I is real. We've been through a lot together.

I need to talk to someone, not Alex because he's always on Zach's side. Clay and Justin are good friends but I don't share these stuff with them beside, they suck at relationships anyway. That leaves me with Charlie. Funny that I want his advice when his own relationship is about to face a storm and he doesn't even realize it. I fetch my phone and text Charlie.

' _Hey, can we meet up somewhere?_ '

He replies immediately ' _cant leave my place, got to do 3 weeks of laundry :| , but you can come :D_ '

' _Okay, I'll be there in 30 minutes_ '

I put away the folder, switch off the electricity and lock down the studio. Then I went to Charlie's place.

I knock on the door and I wait few moments. A girl opens the door with a blank pale face, her eyes are circled with black thick eyeliners, and every 2 inches of her face is pierced, she's gothic.

She waits for me to speak, and I feel intimidated by her look: "Sorry, wrong apartment."

Maybe I'm in the wrong floor, I'm not thinking straight with what Monty has told me.

And just when I was about to move away Charlie appeared behind her :"Hey Winston, come in."

What?! Who's this girl? Why is she living with Charlie? If I hadn't seen him smiling cheerfully like always I would have thought he was being held hostage by her. She leaves the door open for me and go to her room and close the door. I get inside and ask him in a hushed voice:

"Who is she?!"

"Oh that's Brenda, my new roommate "

I swear Charlie has the weirdest criterias when choosing his roomamates.

The only two rules he set is : pay your rent on time and no orgies. So basically, half the country can get a chance and live with him.

"What happened to the Rastafarian guy before her?"

"You mean Aduke? He got arrested for drug possession."

I look at her door thinking when she would sacrifice him to the God she believes in and he says :"She's actually pretty cool, yesterday she offered to pierce my nipple, wanna see?"

I look back at him: "No."

And he raises his shirt to expose his nipples without respecting my rejection.

He's smiling waiting for a reaction.

"God, Charlie you can't let anyone pierce you like that! This could get infected and they'll have to cut off your nipple" I whispered harshly while looking at her door fearing that she might get out any moment and listen to me.

He exclaims: "What?! No" He covers his nipple with his hand and whispers: "Not my nipple!"

I shake my head in disapproval.

"Come on, Winston. She did a great job, I bet Alex would love it when he sees it."

I bet Alex will use the piercing as an excuse to dump you.

He's still flashing his nipple at me but looking in the distance probably imagining Alex's reaction, I say nothing to his last sentence because I remember the last conversation Alex and I had in our kitchen. I feel awful for keeping Alex's secret, but I can't interfere between them, it's Alex's mess and he should deal with it alone.

"Okay, can we talk inside? I don't want to stand in the hallway."

"Yeah sure come to the kitchen"

He leads the way, his kitchen is smaller than ours which means no more than 2 people can fit inside. I sit on the island and sighs, not sure where to begin.

"You look tensed, would you like some lavender tea?"

I don't believe in the soothing effect of lavender tea but I'm okay with it, I need something to occupy us both. So I nod and watch him pour water in the kettle.

"So, what's going on? You're not here because you miss me, are you?"

I swing my legs and smile: "Actually I miss you, but I need your advice."

"Alright, shoot."

I take a deep breath, clear my throat and begin: "Remember last weekend when I was invited to a party?"

"You mean when you bailed on us because that party was more fun than your friends night, yeah I remember."

I roll my eyes, he's just teasing me, he chuckles motioning to me to proceed and he opens the cupboard.

"Long story short, I got drunk, lost my phone, passed out, and someone at that party took me to his place."

He spins around and looks at me with wide eyes, then he Zsnaps his fingers : "Oh no he didn't!"

He is at it again. He once let a black lady in her 60s live with him, and he started acting just like her, he even asked her to teach him knitting. And they both spent their free time knitting Christmas sweaters for her grandchildrens. It was weird coming in to him sitting beside her surrounded by balls of yarns.

I look him dead in the eyes: "Charlie, seriously you need to stop acting like a middle aged black woman. It's ridiculous."

He smiles and say : " I miss her, man. I wonder how she's doing"

I don't say anything after that, so he tells me to go on.

"Anyway, nothing happened between us, so when I apologised to Zach he gave me this ..."

I get down and go closer to him to show him the necklace.

"It's his number, he said if I got drunk again it would be easy to contact him"

He nods: "Very practical, and that bothers you?"

"No, well, maybe slightly but that's not why I'm here, the guy who let me crash at his place told me the weirdest thing when he saw the necklace."

I have his full attention now.

"He said that Zach should wear a necklace with my name on it to let everyone knows that he belongs to me, then he said something about him sneaking around. And before he left he told me to open my eyes."

"What does that supposed to mean?"

I shrug and go back to sit on the island: "Sounds like he's implying that Zach is being unfaithful to me."

He frowns at me and say in disgust: "Who's this guy anyway?! Is he a friend of Zach?"

"No, but he said that Zach looked familiar to him."

"So he might be mistaken Zach with someone else?"

"He sounded confident though."

"Do you believe him?"

Do I believe him?! I don't know, I want to say no but a very small part of me does believe him and hate him too for messing up with my head since day one.

"I don't know, Charlie" I sigh and bury my face in my hands.

He gets closer and put both hands on my shoulders :"Hey Winston, tell me this .. is Zach trustworthy?"

I remove my hands and look at him.

"Yes, yes he is. The thing is I know he isn't hiding something for sure, he keeps me updated with every single move he makes during the day, sometimes documenting with pictures, his phone is always laying around me unlocked, he sleeps in my bed 3 to 4 times a week, When does he have the chance to cheat?!"

"Then that's your answer" he stops for a second "That guy who messed up with your head is probably lonely and a jerk. He wants to have what you and Zach have."

That was the stupidest analysis but I'm not going to tell him that. What he doesn't know is that Monty could get anyone he wants with a snap of his finger. He's not that desperate like Charlie is portraying him.

"What should I do?"

"Nothing" he goes back to where the two cups are, and put sugar in each cup.

"So I shouldn't talk to Zach about this?"

"Are you dumb?"

"No"

"Then zip it, don't bring it up to anyone."

"Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3: To be continued .. 🔄 see you in chapter 4


	4. Chapter 4

Zach breathes in the back of my neck: "I'm gonna come."

His breath hitches and he groans after I felt the little twitch of his cock inside me. It takes him 1 minute to ride his orgasm. I feel him putting his whole weight on my back. He's heavy, it never bothered me before, in fact I always found it comforting to be crushed under him after he finishes, feeling the wetness of his sweaty chest. But it bothers me now to be this close to him, to be under the control of his dead weight.

I feel like pushing him but he exhales sharply and removes himself from me without me asking him. He throws himself on the bed beside me and chuckles: "Wow, that was ... intense."

  
I flip on my back and cover my lower body with the blanket, feeling oddly exposed as if he hadn't seen me naked for thousands times. I lie beside him silently looking at the ceiling. 

  
He closes his eyes, sighs and says with a smile :"Give me few minutes to catch my breath and I'll take care of you."

"It's fine." I mumbled. 

He opens his eyes and looks at me: "You didn't finish."

I say with a low voice: "I don't feel like it anymore."

And I sit up to go to the bathroom, I need to take a shower to get rid of his smell and his body fluids. He grabs my right wrist :"Hey, is everything okay?"

No, nothing is okay.

"Yes, I'm just tired" I lied. 

"Do you want me to leave?"

Yes, leave. Every time I look at your face I remember what Monty said.

"You can stay if you want, but I'm going to sleep." I say while turning my back to him. I don't want him to see my face. Not during sex, not after it.

And that was the nicest way to kick him out, because I'm not a kindergarten kid whose bed time is 7 PM. 

I hear the shuffle of bed sheets, he's moving, the sound of fabric contacting his body, then the zipper sound of his jeans. He took the hint, he's leaving like I asked him, indirectly.

He walks to the door, and looks at me probably wants to figure out what's going on:" Goodnight, Winston." 

I nod to him in response. And he left closing my door gently.

It's been a week since Monty dropped the bomb. After talking to Charlie I felt good, he managed to put my demons to sleep, but not for long. The moment I saw Zach everything came flooding to me.

Every time he kisses or hugs me, I feel weird and suffocated. And when we have sex it feels even weirder. I just lay there pretending to have a good time when in fact what hardened my cock are the things I picture in my head while he fucks me. Any picture stored in my mind will do just fine. Sometimes my imagination fails me but once he starts messaging my prostate everything comes back to pretending. 

And sometimes I feel sick when he fucks me. One time I actually puked after sex. I couldn't reach the bathroom so I threw up in my waste bin beside my bed. I told him it was the pizza I had for dinner, did he believe me? I hope so.

I feel bad for not trusting him but I can't help it.

  
_Ding_

I check my phone:

  
" _Party at Luke's, tomorrow evening._  
 _P.S don't forget your necklace_ "

It was Monty.

_Ding_

Another text with the location of Luke's house. I don't even know who's Luke. Parties aren't my thing unless Jonathan asks me to come.

I put my phone on the nightstand without texting back and lie in my bed.

Speaking of the necklace, I no longer wear it, Zach noticed its absence and asked me about it. I was slightly annoyed and told him that I won't be wearing it unless I go to a party like we agreed. Which is never. He dropped it and didn't mention it again.  
I try to sleep but my thoughts keep me awake.

At some point they gave up and I drifted to sleep.

  
************

  
Another week has passed, my day is the same exact one as before. I wake up early in the morning, have breakfast mostly cereal because I suck at cooking, then I go to the studio, get back and do whatever I do at home. I try to avoid Zach as much as I can without making it obvious. Sometimes I tell him that I'll be working in the studio for 6-8 hours. When in fact I just work for 4 hours or even less and I spend the rest of the time just sitting around on one of the chairs doing nothing. Other times I tell him not to come to my place because Jonathan has given me paper work and I'm working on them at home. I think he believes me. Because if he doesn't he would have talked to me about it. That's Zach, the moment he feels something off about us he always try to fix it before it's too late.

Today, Jonathan isn't at the studio, he said he has a meeting with a magazine to sign a contract. He asked me to come though and organize some folders and prepare for tomorrow's new photoshoot.   
This shouldn't take long, it's a 1 to 2 hours job but here I am after passing the 4th hour leaning against the desk looking at Jonathan's photography albums. His photographs are insanely beautiful. He's talented and I wish someday I'll be as good as him.

  
"Hello?"

I stand up, put back the album in its place and get outside, it was Monty. 

He's standing in the middle of the studio, like the last time. But this time he seems unsure.

"Hey, is Johnny here?" He asks.

"Is there a fancy yellow BMW parked outside?"

"No."

"Then he's not here."

I cross my arms and wait for him to speak up, it bothers me to see him here and I don't know why.

He clearly isn't here for Jonathan. They're friends, if he wants to see him he knows how to reach him instead of wasting his time coming all the way here.

With a hint of concern in his voice he says: "I texted you multiple times, but you didn't reply."

He did, he texted me asking how I was doing and if I was up for coffee but I never replied. And I don't know why.

"I was .. busy" I lied scattering my gaze here and there.

"Of course." He read my body language right, he doesn't believe me.

The place is quiet, I see him now looking around nervously, he buries his hand in his jacket's pockets and asks with a gentle tone:  
"So, how have you been?"

"Fine."

"You don't look fine." He must have sensed the depressing aura around me.

Without thinking I say: "Thanks to you." I hate how harsh it came out , he looks confused and asks:  
"What did I do?"

I sigh and go inside the office, I sit in one of the 2 chairs opposite to each other in front of Jonathan's desk. I rest my elbows on my knees and cover my face with both hands. He follows me and sits on the other chair and leans forward leaving nothing but few inches between us. I can smell his cologne now, that's how close he is to me.

I take a deep breath and remove my hands and I say :"You fucked up the one and only good thing in my life, the one thing I was depending on during hard time for support."

He doesn't say anything, doesn't ask for an explanation. He knows what I'm talking about.   
I look at him now and he just sits there looking at me with a warm gaze: “You can't just show up randomly and mess up with my head like that ruining my relationship, ever since you told me about Zach I've been struggling with him, I can't let him touch me without feeling like I've been touched by the dirtiest creature."

His expression doesn't change, and it starts to work me up.

"It's like I can neither ignore what you told me about him nor confront him about it. I can't go up to him and say 'hey Zach, a stranger said you've been screwing around, is that true?'. I mean no offence, Monty but you're not completely a reliable source."

"None taken." he says that quietly and it frustrates me even more. 

So he doesn't react to anything I just poured out there except for the part where I told him he's not reliable and he might as well be a liar.

He stands up slowly and walks away without a word, but when he reaches the office's door he spins looking at me and says: "If I help you with the evidence, would you confront him and sort it out? Or would you still blame me for the failure of your relationship?"

Failure?! My relationship didn't fail, yet! It's a rough time, it’s a bump, and I'm sure we'll get through this.  
Before I could say anything he left the office and the studio.

I didn't expect him to have an evidence in any sort. I thought it's just his words against Zach.  
This is a new twist that Charlie needs to know about. I text him:

  
_"Hey, can we meet?"_

_"Can this wait? :/ "_

_"No, it's urgent"_

_"Alright, meet me in an hour at the cafe beside the public library"_

_"Okay"_

  
*************

  
I'm waiting at the cafe, he's 15 minutes late. He kept texting me saying he's on his way. I ordered a drink because sitting there on the table without drinking anything makes the workers at the cafe gives me annoyed looks.

"I'm sorry, I was tutoring a student, he's dumb but I need the money. " he sits down panting, he was probably running to catch up with me.  
I feel bad.

"It's okay, sorry for rushing you."

He puts his hands on the table smiling at me and I see his nails painted with a black nail polish. I'm not going to ask about this. This is probably the outcome of bonding with his roommate, the gothic girl.

"So, what's up?" He asks while grabbing my iced coffee and have a sip.

"The guy who told me about Zach ..."

He swallows the cold drink quickly and coughs few times then says:" I thought we put the matter to bed. Didn't we agree to drop it and never talk about it with anyone?"

"Yeah we did but listen to me.." 

He sighs and nods while taking another sip.

"He has an evidence, he offered to show it to me."

"That's impossible." he shakes his head.

"But it is possible" I insist.

"That guy is making fun of you and you're giving him the satisfaction by being stupid."

"Hey!" I pull my coffee from his hand, calling me stupid while sipping my drink. The nerve.

"Okay let's agree on this, you'll ask him for the evidence, if he doesn't have any you'll block him and never talk to him again."

"And if he has one?"

"We'll see about that" 

I sigh and sip from my cup of coffee, he smiles extending his hands across the small table:  
"So, what do you think about my nail polish?"

  
***************

  
It took me 2 days to call Monty and ask him for the evidence. I was secretly hoping that he would say that he was mistaken and none of what he said was true so that I could block him like Charlie and I agreed on. But he didn't, in fact he told me to stop by the coffee shop where he works at 9:30 P.M.

Here I am standing outside looking at the 'closed' sign. I can see 2 shadows inside moving around in the dim place. I push the door and get inside.

The guy behind the cash register says nicely: " I'm sorry, we're closing."

Monty says from afar:" it's okay Tommy, he's with me."

He looks at me and says from his place "Just give me few minutes to clean up. You can sit wherever you want."

I nod but I'm too nervous to sit, I walked to the board where they hang flyers. Nothing here is interesting. There's a small stage and a mic. I envy whomever stands there in front of all people, gets their attention and say whatever they have to say out loud. I’ve always had a hard time at school when the teachers asked me to read something out loud or present my presentations. But somehow I survived the awkward moments. 

"We host poetry nights every Wednesday, are you interested?" Monty said behind me, I didn't hear coming. He was light like a panther, or was I too deep in my thoughts and memories that I couldn't hear him approaching?

I look at him over my shoulder and say: "Not really. It requires a lot of ... emotional exposure"

"And that's not your cup of tea."

"No, it is not."

Few moments of silence, there's no sound except for the low music the guy behind the register was playing on his phone humming to it.   
Monty clears his throat: "so... follow me."

He takes me to small office with a desk and PC.  
He closes the door behind me and explains :"It's the manager office, have a seat." 

There is one chair only across the desk and I sit on it silently. I see him moving the mouse and clicks here and there . I try to be as nice as I can to make it up for being rude to him 2 days ago :" I hope I'm not getting you in trouble."

He doesn't look at me but he sighs and keeps clicking:" Anything to put your mind at ease."

I smile nervously, we probably shouldn't be here at his manager's office after closing, he's risking his job for me and that's something nice that I should thank him for later. I want to make sure that the other guy outside is trustworthy and won’t snitch on Monty.

He stops clicking and looks at me over the screen :"Are you alright?"

I nod and he gestures for me to get closer. I stand shakily and go behind the desk where he's sitting and I lean down to get a better look at the screen. It's the recorded surveillance cameras.

I see Zach sitting in an isolated corner by himself scrolling through his phone when someone else whom I can't see his face comes by leans down and kisses him on the lips then sits across from him. Zach looks right and left as if checking if someone he knows might have seen that.

I swallow the hard lump forming in my throat.  
Monty says: "There's another one."

And he goes clicking again until he gets the right recording. This time Zach is sitting and the other guy's face is clear, and I know this guy..

Monty explains :" I remember this one because it was intense and they almost made a scene, I was cleaning the next table beside them and I heard everything. The blond guy tells him something about meeting someone else's parents, I'm assuming he's too in a relationship."

Zach extends his hands and grabs the other's.  
Monty continues: "He was begging him to give him some time to deal with his shit. But blondie isn't having any of it so he tries to free himself."

Zach is holding his hand as if his life was depending on it. The other pulls his hand with force, stands up and snaps at him. We can't listen to what they say but Monty narrates: "He was telling him that he's sick of waiting and sneaking around and that he gave him all the chances" he looks at me: "obviously it's been going on for sometime." Then back at the screen :"Then the blonde..."

I cut him off with a low voice above whisper: "that's Alex."

Don't call him blondie, he's not a stranger, he's not a random guy walking on this earth. That is Alex.

Monty pauses the video and looks up at my face :"You know him?"

I snort and say with a shaky voice :"He's my fucking roommate. He's my fucking.. friend."

And I'm not sure if it just me or the oxygen in the room is being sucked off, suddenly find it hard to breathe and to stay standing on my legs. I'm sweating yet I'm shivering at the same time.

Monty's voice is barely audible due to the sound of my heart beats thudding in my chest like drums. I hear him calling my name but I can't respond because my mouth is busy with taking as much oxygen as it could handle. I'm hyperventilating.

He stands up and I feel his hand grabs my arms and for a second I feel that I can handle it, he seats me on the chair that he was sitting on then crouched on the floor and looks up at me with a scared and lost expression, he straightens up and leaves the room in a hurry. And I find it harder to breathe now, I was wrong, I can't handle it. He left me alone, he ran away. He doesn't want to be connected to my death. I've never thought this is the way my life will end. I'm still too young to die, and too scared to be spending the last moments of my life alone.

Monty comes back with someone after what felt like hours, it was the guy behind the cash register, Tommy.

Tommy kneels down and I hear him reassures me, telling me it's just a panic attack and it'll pass if I listen to him and mimic his breathing. Panic attacks, I've heard of them but never had one. I didn't expect them to be this bad and hard to deal with.

I look at Monty who's standing by the door biting his nails nervously, his face is crumbled and he looks so scared. It's strange to see him like this.

Tommy hands me a brown paper bag and asks me to breathe in it, it doesn't make any sense to me but I comply because he looks like he knows what he's saying and honestly I love life and I don't want to die so I might as well try every possible way to keep living.

"In and out slowly, take your time"

I try to apply his instructions. But I can't breathe so I say in panicking frustration while removing the bag from my mouth shaking my head: " I .. I .. c..can't ".

It doesn't work, just call 911, please.

"Yes you can" he adjusts it back to my mouth "just follow me"

Easy for him to say, he's not the one who's dying of oxygen shortage. 

He inhales and exhales, and I follow along because that's my only option. And surprisingly it's working.

"Good job, you're doing well "  
Tommy praised me and he was so close to clap his hands cheering for me. I'm grateful for the good vibes he's sending. I don't know how many minutes or hours I've been breathing in this bag but I feel confident to remove it and breathe without it.

Once I'm calmed and able to breathe regularly he stands up and pats my shoulder smiling gently. I want to thank him for saving my life but I don't trust my voice and I'm scared to forget how to breathe so I say nothing.

He heads for the door and talks to Monty who was still standing there but not as nervous as before. He's back to his old usual self. I didn't hear what they said to each other but I see them nodding to each other. And Tommy left. It's just me and Monty in this small office.

"Are you okay?" He asks me while getting closer to me.

I shake my head and I fight the tears threatening to flood. I don't want him to see me like this, not after the panic attack, not after not trusting what he said to me about Zach before. 

"It's okay."

No it's not okay, I lost the holding tears battle and now I'm sobbing. I cover my face with both hands ashamed of being this crying mess in front of him. Monty rubs my knee and it makes me cry even more.   
So this is it. This is how 'the one and only good thing in my life' ;as I once described it; ends.

I don't know how much of time I spent crying, I lost the track of time but Monty was there the whole time. He let me cry it out, occasionally passing tissues to me to blow my runny nose. I still have tears to be shed over this but I can control them for now. I wiped my eyes and look at him: "Could you take me home?"

I came here walking but I don’t trust myself with going back home the same way, beside I'm afraid of having another panic attack without having someone like Tommy to help out.

He shakes his head and calmly says :" I don't think it's a good idea, I say you spend the night at one of your friends', cool off a little then get back to your place" of course, he doesn't want me to clash with Alex.

I can't stay at Charlie's, because he'll ask questions then I'll have to tell him about everything and it'll break his heart and seeing him broken hearted won't be good for me. The Jensens are visiting their parents for a whole week. The other few friends I know live in dorms and I can't crash there.

The room must have been silent for ages because he says: "Or you can stay at my place if you want."

I nod quickly before he takes my silence as declining his offer . It's either his place or the streets. 


	5. Chapter 5

The ride home was comfortably silent, not that it was a convenient time to have small talks. My head was still buzzing, I can’t think properly. I was expecting to get back to be a crying mess in his car but I was calm, or more like in a state of complete sedation. I’m not sure what are the things that occupied my mind during our ride but they weren’t about Zach. I kept looking behind the car window at the sidewalks and buildings we passed. We drove for 10 minutes that felt like hours. It was 10:45 PM when we arrived. He switched off the car engine, unfastened his seatbelt then looked at me: “We’re here.”

I deliberately unfasten my seatbelt too following him inside the building.

He unlocks the door and before swinging it open, I hear a guy's voice inside says: “You’re late!"

Monty smiles sarcastically: "Sorry, Mrs. De la Cruz."

Someone was waiting for him while he was comforting me. I feel guilty for messing up his schedule. I step inside behind Monty, and the smell of cooking comes wafting out with the sound of Spanish songs blasting.

The guy calls again from wherever he is:” I had to start without you.” then he finally shows up emerging from a room on the left, which happen to be the kitchen. He wears nothing but a grey sweatpants. He’s more tanned than Monty but they almost have the same body built. He leans against the kitchen's door frame chewing an apple and grins widely when he notices me, says with his mouth full:"Hey you're back!"

I look at him dumbfounded. Am I supposed to know him?! A hot guy like him can’t be forgotten. I’m sure he’s mistaken me with someone else, maybe Monty hooked up with a guy that looks just like me, I should be relieved though because at least I’m his type if he was-hypothetically- gay.

Monty who finally raises his head after taking off his shoes:” For God’s sake cover up! You’re cooking our food."

He smiles not offended by Monty’s comment: “It’s hot!"

You’re hot.

Monty rolls his eyes then points at me: "Diego this is Winston."

He swallowed his bite by now still smiling: "Oh shut up, Monty. We already introduced ourselves to each other."

I can't remember him, I've never seen him in my whole life.

"Both of you were drunk that night."

Oh it's that night, it makes sense now.

"I wasn't that drunk, I remember him. Can't say the same about him though." And he chuckles.

Under other circumstances I would have blushed with embarrassment by his teasing while being shirtless looking like a professional smoky model, but now I'm so drained mentally, physically, and emotionally to care about what he said or how he look like.

“So Winston, are you joining us for dinner? I cooked Enough for 4.”

The mention of food twists my stomach, I don’t think I have the energy to chew or digest anything. Both of them are looking at me waiting for my response. I shake my head with 'no' and I look at Monty for help. I just want to be alone for now, no social interaction with anyone.

Diego looks at Monty and asks with a low voice:” Is he mute now?”

Monty smacks his shoulder and says to him:” save my portion for tomorrow, I’m not hungry either.” then he motions for me to follow him to a room in the right direction and I was grateful for the save.

He switches on the light, and I look around, it's a mess, a complete mess. You can't take one step without stomping on a piece of clothes. So I stand my place while he creates some space for me.

"Sorry about the mess, I don't usually let anyone inside" he says while picking clothes from the floor and kicking the others away with his foot.

So no girls no boys inside, is that his way to tell me he's not dating?! Or maybe he is dating but he doesn't need to let him inside because his room is the one beside this room. Diego's room.

Why am I thinking and analysing his love life?! I should probably worry about mine at the moment.

He looks at me: "You can sit on the bed."

I sit slowly and take off my jacket, it's getting hot in here.

He goes to his closet and looks inside it. I've been in his room before, I can't remember how it was exactly because I was freaking out. But I remember it being messy but not as messy as now.

The walls are light grey, no frames no posters, nothing. You can't figure out his interests by looking at his room. It's just a single bed, one nightstand, closet, and a few cardboard boxes here and there like he just moved in and didn’t have the time to unpack, but wait .. there’s a piano. Okay, he plays the piano, that's his interest.

He interrupts my visual tour by handing me a blue t-shirt and black shorts.

"Here, you can wear this."

"Thank you."

That was the first thing I say since I broke down at his manager's office. And it surprises me how broken my voice sounded.

He goes back to the closet and retrieves a blanket then heads for the door.

"Call me if you need anything. "

"Where are you going?" My voice sounds desperate now.

"I'll take the couch so you could rest properly."

But I don’t want to sleep alone, not tonight. The nightmares will lurk into my sleep. How do I ask him to stay?! I'm not even sure if he'll be comfortable sleeping next to me. I don't want to make things between us awkward. Suddenly I get it, when kids ask their parents to stay with them or let them sleep in their room and never leave them sleeping alone, because they don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. And the fact that I'm not in my room or sleeping in my own bed makes me feel less safe.

He asks cautiously with furrowed eyebrows: "Do you .. want me to sleep here?"

Did I say that out loud or did my desperate expression give it away?! I nod slowly waiting for a reaction of some sort, he'll either point out my audacity and refuse my request then he will laugh about it with Diego, that would be embarrassing! Or he'll..

"Okay."

He's okay with it. As simple as that. I didn't expect that. He retrieves a pillow case and pretends to be busy with the sheets and pillow cases while I get dressed behind him, and I appreciate the privacy he's giving me. The shorts is barely covering my knees, the t-shirt is slightly loose but it fits comfortably.

I lie down while he switches off the light, the room is dark and I feel the bed dipping on my right side. His bed isn't really spacious, we could hardly fit together, our shoulders touch when we're lying on our backs but I'm too tired and broken to care about it. If the whole cheating thing didn't happen I would have probably be swooning right now. In fact if it didn't happen I wouldn't be here lying in Monty's bed in the first place.

“Goodnight” he says then the bed creaks softly, he flips on his right side, now his back is at me.

I mumble: “Goodnight.”

I find it hard to sleep, the bed still feels unfamiliar but mainly because I was upset, I'm still hoping to wake up from this nightmare and find myself in my own bed wrapped in Zach's familiar arms. I'm not sure how to feel about him after today, I want to hate him but I can't, the funny thing is I hate myself when I'm supposed to hate him. How could someone hate themselves when they're the victim? That doesn't make any sense. I try to think of reasons for him to cheat. Was I too much on him? Was my dramatic life too much for him? If so, why didn’t he say something? Why didn’t he just tell me to keep him out of my drama? Wait, then that would make him a shitty unsupportive boyfriend. Maybe it’s something else that I can’t pinpoint at it now but I will find it out.

And then there's Alex, sneaky fucking Alex. How could he hide his love like that?! How could he managed to put out the fire of his jealousy when he was few meters away from my room listening to us making love almost every night?! If I were him I would have gotten mad. Now that I think about it, every time Zach and I had a mild disagreement he always took Zach's side even if he was wrong. While everyone else were either neutral or took my side, the right side. And then there were times when he got uncomfortable whenever I kiss or cuddle with Zach on the couch. But I thought he was being his usual self, annoyed unimpressed Alex.

I feel Monty shifting to his other side facing me, then a warm hand lands on my shoulder.

He whispers: "Are you okay?"

I was crying, I wasn't aware of that.

He withdraws his hand and I want to tell him to put it back, I'm dying for any kind of physical human contact to ground me. But again, I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. Sleeping next to me is something and wanting to be touched or held is another thing.

He switches on the bedside lamp, and the room is dim now. He looks at me propping himself on his left elbow but I keep looking at the ceiling. I can’t look at him now.

"How am I going to .. to survive this?" I asked and the stream of tears wetted the new pillowcase he just put on.

"You'll survive it just like everybody else did and do."

I probably sounded depressing and dramatic. He doesn't understand my situation, Zach was my rock, my backbone, he's ....

"I know what could help you out."

He cut off my thoughts and throws the blanket away, gets up and leaves the room.

The door is still open and I can hear him in the kitchen not far away saying :

"Do we have ice cream?"

Diego answers :"No"

Few moments of silence.

"Yeah? And what's this?"

“Put that back, that's not ours! she'll be mad, I swear to God Monty, put it back hey ..."

And he storms into the room almost running and calls out to Diego :" I'll buy her a new one."

Then he slams the door, locks it with the key in case he was being chased by Diego. He looks at me and burst in laughter like a little kid, I can't stay gloomy after this so I chuckle. And that's the best I can do in my current state.

He sits beside me and hands me a spoon and the ice cream. I don't feel like eating but I can't do that to him after he stole someone's ice cream for me.

I eat some and he does too, I try to start a conversation:" So, whose ice cream is it that we stole?"

"We didn't steal it, we borrowed it" He stops then says :"Martina, Diego's girlfriend."

Okay, so Diego and him aren't together. Good to know that.

"I hope she won't miss it."

"She won't , she doesn't even live here.” He eats a spoonful of ice cream then say :" well, she kind of does, I mean she spends most of her day here and her stuff are all over the place" he stops and points at the piano with his spoon: "Do you see that?" I nod "Do I look like someone who plays the piano?”

You look like everything perfect.

I shake my head because that’s the answer he wants.

"It's hers, she doesn't have enough space at her place so she brought it here."

“You’re okay with that?”

“We made a deal, I give her space to store and she makes me lasagne every Friday for dinner.” he shrugs and I giggle at how typical of a guy he is, thinking about nothing but his stomach. He justifies himself: “She makes the best lasagne and she won’t give me the recipe, said it was a family heritage" he scoffed and I laugh.

“You cook?” suddenly I’m interested in every little details related to him.

“Of course.”

And he talks to me about cooking, and the things he’s good at making , he told me that Diego and him don’t order takeouts a lot, they make their own meals together almost everyday. I can’t help but wish to be a able to taste his cooking someday.

I feel relaxed for the first times in days as if I wasn’t crying few minutes ago. I love this, I love the idea of spending my night with him talking about random stuff while eating a stolen I mean burrowed ice cream. It’s weird how I can get this comfortable with someone I barely know. I remember how I found it hard to start a friendship with Charlie and the Jensens when Zach introduced me to them. It took me few months to act myself with them.

After the ice cream we slept instantly, the conversation exhausted us, not that I did much of it. It was mostly him talking and I made a note of appreciation for that.

***********

I'm in a boat in the middle of the ocean, the boat keeps rocking and I hold on to steady myself. I call out for mom and dad, within seconds their bodies float, the blue ocean is coloured with red now, and I scream at the top of my lungs but I can't hear my voice.

The boat is rocking more violently now, and I feel like I'm about to fall, a bloody hand emerges from the sea and pulls me down, and I sink. I sink into the dark huge depth of the ocean.

My eyes snap open, and the room is dark but I can see a figure hovering above me. And I can't breathe. I hear Monty says: "Hey hey, it's just a dream."

His voice sounded different, deeper than usual. I must have woken him up with my kicks and whimpers.

I'm still struggling with breathing. I can now feel his hand on my shoulder, the hand he was shaking my shoulder with to wake me up, that explains the rocking of the boat. I try to reach his hand fumbling around, once I found it I hold and squeeze while trying to regulate my breathing. I still feel like drowning, I'm not sure if I'm awake, this could be part of the nightmare so I keep holding his hand like it's the only string that keeps me from drowning.

He switches on the bedside lamp with his other hand, the lighting isn't bright but I find it hard to keep my eyes open.

"Winston?" He sounds concerned, I should open my eyes but I'm scared.

He calls me again and I feel obliged to reassure him by opening my eyes.

His face is blurred but I know it's him. It's not the monster that pulled me into the water. I loosen my grip just realising that I was holding his hand. He withdraws his hand gently and I was so close to yank it back. I see him moving away leaving the bed and the room. I close my eyes thinking he probably going to sleep the rest of the night on the couch like he wanted to do before I acted like a scared little kid. I can't blame him. Why does he have to take care of someone who he has just met few weeks ago?! But he comes back within seconds pushing all my thoughts away.

"Here, drink some water."

I open my eyes at the sound of his voice. It's no longer deep like he sounded when he woke me up, everything is still blurry, my eyes are full with unshed tears. I sit down and wipe my eyes with the back of my hands then I take the glass of water with shaky hands. My throat is dry, I can't remember the last time I had a sip of any kind of liquid.

While I was still busy with regulating my breathe I felt him brushing the wet hair strands away from my sweaty forehead, and I feel the warmth radiating from his finger tips, I lean to the touch involuntary. And I think what I did was screaming ‘ _I’m desperate for your hold’_ because he wrapped one arm around my shoulder and I threw my head into the crook of his neck.

What am I doing?!

My heartbeats starts to quicken the moment I felt the heat of his skin and the smell of it, I close my eyes trying to take as much of his comforting scent and warmth as I can. I need to memorize this to relive it in my head whenever I’m alone. This is what I need right now. I don’t know for how many minutes he held me but suddenly my cock starts to show its interest at the very wrong timing.

My breathing is back to normal now so I peel myself away from him, thanks to my cock.

I wonder if holding me did anything at all to him like it did to me. I look at his face to find out but he doesn’t seem affected in the slightest. Such a disappointment.

He clears his throat: “We can’t have you suffering from another panic attack. “ he smiles a little.

Funny how he feels the need to explain his innocent embrace when I have to explain the bulge forming in my shorts .. his shorts. I need to take care of it before he notices.

"Can I .. can I use the bathroom?" I stutter with a sniff.

"It's the door on the opposite side"

I stand up and leave the room, the narrow hallway is dark and quiet, but I can hear Diego's snoring behind his closed door. I get in the bathroom and lock the door just in case. I take off the shorts, look at my half hard and curse. That embrace could have been longer if it wasn’t for you.

I urinate, then wash my hands and face, I shiver as the cold water contacted my skin making my cock soften at the uncomfortable feeling.

There's a huge sweat stain descending from my neck almost reaching my abdomen, the back side of the t-shirt sticking to my skin. I feel disgusting.

I look at my reflection on the mirror and I find the most miserable person looking at me. How did everything turn upside down in a matter of minutes while looking at the recorded surveillance. But it didn't, it started the moment Monty decided to slap me with facts. But wait .. he told me about Zach when he saw the necklace, what if there was no necklace, would he have told me? Or would he have left me in the dark like the stupid idiot I am.

A soft knock on the door dragged me to reality. I open the door slightly to find Monty with a clean white t-shirt in hand.

"Change your shirt."

I take it gratefully and close the door. I splash my body with water, there's a towel hanged on the metal bar, is it wise to use it? Better not, drying with toilet papers it is.

I go back to his room after I put on the clean t-shirt that Monty has given me, and I find him spreading new clean sheet while the one we were sleeping on is balled and thrown on the floor beside his legs. Sleeping with me when having a nightmare is like sleeping with a kid who's potty training, except that the kid won't necessary wet the bed, but for me, I'll definitely sweat through it.

I should have warned him. I stand at the door and say apologetically :" Sorry about the sheets."

He looks back at me not because I startled him, the bathrooms door creaked like an old castle’s door, but because he wanted to make sure I'm okay and I try to crack a smile to reassure him, I'm not sure if I succeed though. He smiles and say : "Nothing a washing machine can't handle"

************

I wake up alone in bed, I sigh in disappointment. I don’t know what I was expecting, to be waken up with morning kisses and cuddles?!

I hear muffled voices outside, I stand up slowly and I open the door heading for the bathroom but I couldn’t help myself listening to their conversation.

They’re in the kitchen, Monty, Diego and a female who I assume is Martina.

Diego says: “ So you two are like dating now or just messing around?”

“What?!” Martina exclaims with a thick English accent “you can’t date him! I talked to Julie for you and she’s coming back to city this weekend!”

He’s dating Julie, Julie can’t be a guy name, right?! My heart drops at the realisation.

Monty says with hushed voice:” Keep your voice down! I’m not dating _or_ messing around with him!"

Diego says:” You want to tell me that he slept in your bed twice and you haven’t done anything with him? Come on, I wasn’t born yesterday.”

“The fuck is the matter with you?! He was drunk the first time, completely wasted, and yesterday ..”

“Yesterday he didn’t seem drunk to me" he chuckles.

“He wasn’t...” he stops then trails off “he’s going through shit, okay?”

“I’m going through shit too, can I sleep in your bed?”

And I hear a smack loud sound, then Diego :” ouch! I’m just teasing him. ” It was a smack from Martina. I like her.

She says something in Spanish that I couldn’t get, but I think she was scolding Diego for his comment, she doesn’t take jokes lightly. Diego replies in Spanish too and suddenly the three of them switch to Spanish, Damn ! I Wish if I learned Spanish in school instead of French.

I feel bad for putting him in this position where he has to explain himself. I shouldn’t have agreed to crash here. I should have slept on a park bench, not that I hadn’t done it before.

What am I doing?! I’m such a jerk. He was nothing but nice and kind to me while I’m here eavesdropping to his private conversation.

I close the door quietly, count to 20 slowly then open it with a loud noise to let them know I’m awake and I can hear them now.

A screech of a chair, then Monty comes out from the Kitchen :” Hey, you’re awake!"

I smile at the sight of him with dishevelled hair, doesn’t look like he was awake for a long time, he looks cute though, I say: “Good morning."

He smiles awkwardly: “Good morning, I hope we didn’t wake you up with our voices."

How innocent, you didn’t wake me up, but I heard almost everything.

I shake my head to put his mind at ease.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah" I run a hand through my messy hair then I point at the bathroom :” excuse me I have to..”

“Take your time, once you finish come to the kitchen for breakfast. “

He invited me to have breakfast, he didn’t offer me a ride to get rid of me, maybe .. no definitely he doesn’t mind me staying more.

I finish from the bathroom but I stay 5 minutes longer, to give them the chance to finish their previous conversation before I interrupted them.

I walk into the kitchen feeling out of place. What am I even doing? Staying the night then meet them wearing his clothes. Now they surely think he’s lying. I really want to confirm his story and tell them there’s nothing between us, although I wish if there was but then I’ll have to explain myself and how I knew about it. the three of them greet me with genuine smiles and I relax at that.

There are 3 chairs only, Monty stands offering his chair. chivalry isn’t dead after all. God I need to shut down my thoughts.

Martina stops him:” no no, come sit here"

She leaves her chair for me and sits on Diego’s lap who welcomes her weight gladly by wrapping his arms around her. How romantic, I want Monty to take notes because he’ll be doing that to me in the future after he gets rid of Julie. Damn, stop these creepy thoughts.

I take her place after muttering a thank you.

“I’m Martina.” she extends her hand over the table and I shake it warmly and say: “Winston.”

“I like your hair.”

I smile at her compliment and I blush a little when my eyes met Monty’s. I’m not imagining it. He breaks his gaze quickly and looks at his plate the moment I caught him staring.

The breakfast was pancakes, eggs and bacon. I took the pancake because it’s the lightest on my stomach.

They talk about random things, their plans for today, they don’t direct any personal question at me and I’m grateful for that. Monty didn’t look at me the whole time and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

My phone which was in my pocket starts buzzing, someone is calling. I take it out and it’s Zach. I look at Monty nervously asking for some directions, not sure what to do. And now he looks at me with a look that I couldn’t understand. But I take it as ‘ _deal with it_ '.

“Excuse me, I have to take this.”

I leave the kitchen and go to the hall, I pick up and try to sound neutral because I don’t want him to suspect anything now.

“Hello?”

“ _Hey babe, are you okay?_ ” he sounds worried.

“Yeah. What’s up, Zach?”

“ _Alex said you didn’t come back home last night so I wanted to check up on you._ "

So he told him I wasn’t there and he probably pretended to be worried about my whereabouts when he didn’t even bother and text me.

“I’m fine, I stayed at my friend’s place”

“ _Okay, cool_ ” he stays silent then says :” _I miss you, can I see you today?_ ”

I feel like avoiding him, I’m not ready to face him yet:” I ...”

And before I come up with a lousy excuse of why I can’t see him, I hear Monty’s laughter in the kitchen, so I sum up my courage:

“Yeah sure, you can come by.”

This is it, it’s time to end it.


	6. Chapter 6

After breakfast, Monty offered to give me a ride home but I declined, he had done more than enough for me so I called an Uber.

Fortunately, Jonathan texted me saying that he’s taking the day off for whatever reason he has, good, it’s the perfect timing.

I walk inside the apartment expecting Alex to be still there fussing around before leaving for his class late like always, but he wasn’t there. Another perfect timing for him to be a decent human being and go to his class on time. Good for the son of bitch because I don’t know how to deal with him.

I go to his room looking for a cardboard box to start collecting Zach’s stuff and I can’t find one. I see a box but it’s not empty, I’m very tempted to steal the box after emptying its contents, but is Zach worth it? No, so what should I do? Black garbage bags it is.

I go to my room with a huge black garbage bag that I retrieved from the kitchen cupboard and start throwing his stuff inside and it hit me, most the stuff in my room are his, he was basically living here, that’s how close and intimate we were. I sit on the edge of my bed with the bag in my hand, this is harder than I thought.

Am I really ready to let him go?! What if I ended up needing him more than he needs me.

It’s 9 AM, he told me he’s stopping by after his 1 o’clock class, I have enough time to finish this task and prepare myself and think it thoroughly .

It started to drizzle the moment I left Monty’s place, but now it’s pouring outside adding more depression to the atmosphere.

I hear the door of the apartment being opened and closed, I go to check who’s there and I see Zach standing there taking off his wet shoes and coat without paying attention to me: “Shit, the weather is crazy outside. Did you know it was going to rain this heavily?”

He wasn't supposed to come now, I needed the time to finish what I have just started, collecting his stuff and sort my thoughts before talking with him. Why is he here now?!

“You’re early" I say coldly and I go sit on the couch.  
Still busy with drying himself he says: "The class was cancelled so I thought to stop by earlier."

He finally looks at me smiling, but his smile drops and I believe it was because of my expressionless face. He probably was expecting me to go running and hug him, tell him how much I miss him after being busy for a whole week. But I'm not going to do that, not with what I know about him and Alex.

“Aren’t you going to hug me?” he says that with open arms but still standing his place. Testing the water. I don’t move an inch and I look down at the floor.

“Winston, is everything alright?”

I reply with a low but audible voice while still looking at the floor: "I know about you and Alex."

I don't need to see his face to tell that he got that shocked expression on. The room is silent but I swear I could hear his heartbeat or .. is it mine?!

“What?” he asks not trusting his hearing ability. Or maybe he wants to buy more time to come up with lies and excuses.

He asks quietly but cautiously : "What about us?" 

Oh the old cheaters technique, he wants to know what I know exactly and take it from there and apologise for it, so supposedly I tell him that I saw him just hugging Alex in an extra friendly way, he would swear that's the only thing he did. But if I tell him that I saw you kissing him and begging him for a chance to deal with me, what would he say?!

"How far did you two go?" Still asking with a low but firm voice.

He doesn't reply, probably still shocked by my approach, so I rephrase my question and try to cut to the chase: " Did you two ... fuck?" I’ve already put a 90% possibility that he fucked him, and the rest 10% is the tiny chance that maybe, just maybe they weren’t animals and actually had some self control before they deal with Charlie and I.

Zach breaks down and comes quickly and kneels on the floor in front of me : "Winnie, I swear it was an honest mistake, we were both drunk, it was a one time thing, we regretted it the moment we woke up."

So they did fuck. It wasn't just kissing, holding hands and begging. 

"When did .. it happen?"

Zach holds my hands and he's trembling, is he scared? Or nervous? I feel his trembles running through me, he quickly answers :" doesn't matter, all that .."

I yank my hands aggressively from his and stand up abruptly shouting :"It matters to me! It fucking matters to me! I want to know when did I fuck up so bad for you to do that."

here I am again, blaming myself for his own mistake.   
I can't remember the last time I screamed this loud. My throat hurts so bad, it's either the fact that I've used a loud tone that probably injured my vocal cords, , or maybe because I'm fighting this lump that starts to form the moment he broke down correcting my suspicions.

He looks at me from his place on the floor with a shocked expression. He has never seen me this angry, never heard this tone of voice before. And I think he's realising how much he messed up just now, he doesn't seem to have the answer to my question.

"You didn't fuck up! I did, And I regret it, please, please Winston" He says with tears in his eyes.

“When did it happen?” I ask again with persistence.

“2 months ago, when you left with Jonathan to New York.” He looks away feeling ashamed. 

And it all made sense, I left for 3 days and I remember how weird Zach was acting the night I came back, he was very emotional that he cried during sex, he told me that he's struggling with school and I believed him. So, not only a cheater, a liar too.

I cool off a little and I smile to myself: "I expect this low behaviour from Alex, but not from you, Zach" I look at him remembering all the good times we had, every time he put me before him, every time he helped through the shit I have with my family that only him know about. Why did he have to ruin everything?!

He stands up quickly and comes closer not daring to touch me again: "Winston, please, we can fix this, _I_ can fix this, I need.."

"You can't fix anything! You can't fix a broken glass" I lost the edge in my voice by now.

An optimistic would say we collect the shards and glue them together, but will it look the same? Will it function as before? I doubt it.

Once you break the trust there's nothing to fix. As I said before, cheating is a slip that a relationship will never recover from.

And he’s close to me now and I feel disgusted by his proximity, in fact I feel disgusted by his mere presence around me: "I think.. I think you should leave."

"Winston.."

I interrupt: "just leave. I'll collect your belongings and you can come tomorrow morning to collect them, I'll leave the door open for you."

Or you can ask the guy you fucked behind my back to open the door for you like he did with his legs.  
But wait, why bother and take his stuff out, he'll just need to move them to Alex's room.

Zach stands his place without moving, waiting for me to rethink it and maybe forgive him and take him back. I look everywhere but his direction. He takes the hint and heads to the door after snatching his jacket from the hanger and leaves.

Once I heard the door click, the stream of tears flood my face, I was impressed by how long I kept my composure in front of him except for that outburst . But now I'm alone. I collapse on the couch, bring my knees up, put my head on them and weep like a child.

**********

  
I don't know how and when I gave in to sleep, my head hurts and my back too, sleeping on the couch with the fetal position isn't really smart.

What time is it?! I look at the clock hanging on the wall and ticking it's 6, and I guess it's 6 in the evening because it's dark outside. I slept for 8 hours. Great! Now I won’t be able to sleep the night. I hear Alex moving in his room, when did he come back?! He sure knows how to be sneaky. I get up and go to my room, someone else might have knocked his door and maybe punch him for being a shitty person but not me, dealing with Zach was enough as for Alex he's not worth my time.

I check my phone and I find a text from Jonathan sent at 1PM :

" _photoshoot tomorrow, be there at 9_ "

I contemplate sending him an apology and tell him that I'm sick and need tomorrow off, but I thought I could use the distraction.

Then another text from Monty just checking up on me, sent at 3PM I want to ignore him but that would be rude after everything he had done for me, so I text back:

" _I'm good, thank you for everything_ "

He replies immediately as if he was waiting impatiently for my text:

" _can I call you_?"

I don't want to talk about it if that's why he's calling, this isn't how I deal with my problems. I usually cry it off for days until it's no longer a problem.   
So I try to be as nice as I can :

" _I rather you don'_ t”

He sends a thumbs up emoji and that's it.  
I couldn’t sleep that night so I spent my time resuming what I was doing before I was interrupted by Zach’s arrival, which was collecting his crap in the garbage bag. Of course I stopped occasionally to cry and weep whenever I came across something with good memories, like the Coldplay tshirt, I remember when he bought 2 t-shirts one for me and one for him at their concert. And that white sweatpants with turmeric stain, we cooked turmeric cauliflower curry together in my kitchen, and I remember trying to spoon feed him when a piece fell down on his pants. I convinced him to take it off and wash the stain before it dries, and he did after a lot of persuasion, he thought I purposely dropped that piece to make him strip. I miss how simple and flowy my life was with him. 

In the morning I made sure to lock myself in my room until Alex leaves for his class, it was 7 when I heard him rummaging in the kitchen, probably fixing his breakfast before leaving. I wait for him and I don't leave my room until I hear the door being shut. I wait 10 minutes just in case. Funny how I'm going my way in avoiding him when he's the one who should do the avoiding.

  
At the studio, Jonathan was taking shots when the model whined: “I’m tired and thirsty.” . The shooting started 30 minutes ago.

I can see that Jonathan is restraining himself from rolling his eyes :” Few shots left, Winston bring him a bottle of water.” 

He wants to shush him with liquid, good idea.  
"I don’t want water. Do you have soda?” he asks.

I say:” Yes, I’ll bring it right up.”

And I don’t move for few seconds waiting for his ungrateful ass to tell me what kind of soda he wants because God forbid we only have the ones he doesn’t like. But he doesn’t specify so I go to the small refrigerator and fetch him one, and before closing the refrigerator door the soda bottle slips from my hand and hit the hard floor shattering to pieces.   
I hear him giggles from distance, I fail to see the humour in this situation. 

I grab another one and go to the whining model and before I hand him the bottle it slips from my hand again and shatters like the first one. But this time part of the liquid spilled on his shoes, or the shoes that Jonathan rented for his photoshoot. 

"Fuck! Watch it" He shouts. 

Suddenly I’m nervous and slightly shaken by what’s happening, I Don’t know what’s wrong with me.  
I look at Jonathan to see how mad he is but he isn’t looking at us, he’s in his own world looking at his camera like nothing is going on around him. 

He says absentmindedly: “it’s okay Victor, we’re done with the first part of the shooting, let’s take 10 minutes break then we’ll start with the second outfit.”

He looks at me and he doesn’t seem angry or annoyed in the slightest:” Winston is his second outfit ready?” I nod “good.".

Victor huffs and goes to the couch where models usually take their break.

I bring a towel and sweep the floor cleaned.  
once I finished I sigh loudly and stand slightly close to Jonathan in case he needs me to prepare something, he clears his throat and asks while adjusting his camera settings without looking at me:  
"Are you alright?"

I was surprised by his question, he never asks me how I'm doing at all, he always barges in the studio shouting his orders or he goes straight to his office and lock himself in. 

I say: "Yeah" I lied, I’m not okay

"You look terrible." He's still busy with the camera  
And I was so close to apologise for that but I say instead: 

"I’ve got some things going on."

He looks at me now for a brief second with a look that I can't understand and just when I thought he would say something about hanging in there and the storm will pass by, he looked back to his camera and says: “go check up on Victor if he needs anything.”

After we finish the photoshoot, I put everything back to its place, Jonathan calls for me at his office, I go there and stand at the door waiting for him to give me his orders.  
He puts down the papers he was reading and looks up from the rim of his glasses: " You can take the rest of the week off"

It was Tuesday, I try to object but he beats me to it and takes off his glasses while messaging his nose bridge :"Just deal with your mess and come back, I can't have you walking around like a Zombie."

I knew that my excuse wasn't good enough for him.  
"I can work, I promise you my personal life won't affect my performance. "

"I know I know" he tries to calm me down "we don't have much work this week anyway. If something came up and I needed you I'll text, alright?"

"Is this about spilling soda? It was an accident. I’ll apologize to Victor.“

He chuckles and it’s very rare to see him like this :” Trust me, I could care less about that whiney son of bitch."

I don't want few days off, doesn't he realize that I'll die of over thinking. I could use the distraction this job provides. Beside, I can't afford unpaid off days . And as if he read my thoughts he says: " I won't cut off anything from your pay check, you don't have to worry about money."

And that's the most generous kind act I've witnessed from him. It's strange to think of him like a sympathetic human being.  
He wears his glasses and goes back to reading his papers:" just tidy the place and you can leave."

***********

  
It was Thursday, I was on the couch flipping the TV channels wishing to find something interesting. I don't have anything to do, it's sad how someone would be so invested in work that he forget the things he used to enjoy during his off days.

If Zach and I still together I would have probably call and ask him to come over, we would watch a movie not necessarily an interesting one, just a random movie played in the background while we make out on the couch. Then we'll move the ‘party’ to the bedroom, he'll fuck me until I scream with pleasure. Then ...

A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. I'm grateful for the interruption because I should stop thinking about Zach. This is probably Mr.Gibb needing my help with his microwave or TV as usual. He misses the right buttons all the time. Maybe I should mark them for him and save us the trouble of knocking my door even at night.

I open the door and it's not Mr.Gibb. it's someone else, someone I wouldn’t expect him to stand at my doorstep because he never asked about my address.  
I say with surprise: " Monty!"

I don't know why but my heart is racing at the sight of him standing at my door, most likely because of that night with him and his embrace, and suddenly the place feels so warm.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything"

Other than my thoughts about Zach, no you're not. 

"No, not at all"

We're still standing, he raises his hand carrying a brown paper bag with the cafe's logo he works at: "Brought food with me."

I'm not really hungry although I haven't been eating much, I manage to make one or two sandwiches a day and that's enough to keep me alive.

"You .. you didn't have to." The place feels warmer now by the fact that he didn’t just come all the way to my place, he brought food too. How sweet could he get?!

He says with a light tone: "No I didn't, but it seems my third job is to take care of you when you're drunk or starving yourself. "

I blush and I can't suppress my smile.  
He smiles back then raises his thin eyebrows: "So are you going to invite me in or should I take my food and leave ?"

Oh shit, how rude of me.

"Please, come in" I let him inside and I hear him explaining himself while shrugging off his jacket:

"I was going to call you but I wasn't sure you would take my call."

So you decided to show up unannounced, great! Just when I look terrible and my hair isn't having a good day, how could it have a good day when the person who owns it isn't?!

he walks in the small narrow hallway while inspecting the apartment looking up and down, left and right then says:" Jonathan told me you come from a very rich family..." then he stops and looks back at me:" no offence, if this what a rich parents provide for their son I don't want to see what it's like when they declare their bankruptcy."

I should be offended but I laugh instead, he's right. The apartment is really small compared to his and Diego's. The yellow paint is old and the walls are cracked here and there, the rooms and the one shared bathroom are really small.  
Honestly I didn't expect to survive living here considering where I come from but it's not like I had another choice, actually I do have another choice but it's complicated and undebatable.

He sits on the grey old couch and I stand there with my hand resting on the back of the armchair to steady myself for the upcoming lie: "This is what I get for going against their order and drop out of law school" and that's the lie I tell everyone whenever they ask me about my rich family. I feel bad for lying at him but I can't tell him the real reason. He's not close enough. Yet.

He sighs and says with a gentle tone to assure me :

"They'll cool off, they can't stay mad at you forever."

"Seems they can and they will, it's been almost 2 years"

"Wow, is law school that important to them?!"

No, they could care less about what school I get in.   
He says: “They're rich they can hire the smartest lawyers, they don't have to force their son to get into law school.”

I don't feel like lying anymore.

I smile and say: “Exactly what did Jonathan tell you about my family's wealth?" 

He scratches his eyebrow: “Well, he put it like this, hiring you was like hiring Eric, Donald Trump's son."

I burst in laughter and he follows me. It's true that Jonathan comes from a rich family too but his isn't as rich as mine. I remember the way he used to treat me the first months of my job as his assistant, he was harsh and very strict it was like he had the wrong impression about me and thought I was the representation of a rich boy stereotype. But later on he loosened up a little.

Once we stopped laughing he says quietly: “You know, my second photoshoot was yesterday."

Yes, I remember Jonathan telling him about scheduling another photoshoot for him later. But will you look at my luck, just when I take few days off he scheduled him. So, I didn't get to see him shirtless or giving the camera one of his sexy looks.

"I came earlier than expected to catch up with you before Jonathan arrival, but I found the studio locked. I thought maybe you slept in like the first time," he stops and smiles to himself, probably remembering the state I came in that time "But when Jonathan arrived and did all the preparations by himself I asked him about you and he told me you had few days off." He looks at me :" so, I was a little bit worried."

Why would you be worried? You literally texted me daily asking how I'm doing and I kept telling you that I was fine in every text. 

He clears his throat and looks down at his hand :

"Actually, felt guilty too" 

"Why?"

"For letting you know about the whole cheating thing like that. I should have ...."

I interrupt him: "There is no nice way in exposing a cheater!" 

stop feeling guilty for opening up my eyes and enlightening me about my situation. 

"No, there isn't" he stops for seconds then say :" you know in the cafe where I work, we host a relationship expert once a week, during the session people can send him messages anonymously via an application and he answers them publicly. So I sent my question and it said ' _a friend of mine is being cheated on, should I tell him_?' “

He called me a friend! A friend. Not a random guy working for my friend Jonathan. I hold my smile because this isn't the time for grinning. I'll celebrate this later when I'm alone.

"So what did the expert say?"

"He said not to interfere, said that protecting my friend and their heart is way important than proving a point, and maybe it's a one time mistake and the cheater regrets it already. There's no point in exposing them."

Son of bitch! And he calls himself a relationship ‘expert’. If only I was straight I would fuck his wife and see how it feels to be the idiot one. Probably someone is doing that right now and he doesn't realize it.

"But you didn't follow his advice" I said that grinning.

"I was following his advice until I saw the necklace. Because I put myself in your shoes and if my partner was cheating on me I would like to know about it."

Partner. Not boyfriend, not girlfriend. No specification, just generalisation, way to go with being vague. 

Anyway, who would cheat on someone like him?! Trust me, if I find out he's straight I might turn to a girl just to be with him. I should probably calm down, this is extreme even for me. 

He says with a fake whining tone : "Are we going to eat or what?!"

We sit beside each other, he hands me a club sandwich and he takes one. I unwrap it and the smell of turkey meat hits my nostrils, I close it and put it aside. He looks at me with a questioning look.

"I'm sorry, I can't eat this, I'm vegetarian."

He stops chewing his food and says with a full mouth: "Oh, I forgot you people exist." It seems that bad manners travel fast among friends. I’m referring to Diego. 

But it’s okay, Monty is hot, he can act like an animal and I would still find a way to swoon every time he looks at me.

He takes my sandwich, opens the top bread layer, removes the turkey meat slice then put it back and says :" Problem solved, now eat."

He sounded like one of those moms and their kids that I come across in fast food restaurants when they complain about finding a pickle or a slice of tomato in their burger. The moms would do the same exact thing Monty just did.

I chuckle at that thought and take the sandwich from his hand and our fingers brush together, a hot wave washed over me but when I look at him he doesn't seem affected by it in any way, he's eating his sandwich like it’s the most interesting thing in the room. Definitely straight. 


	7. Chapter 7

We ate the sandwiches in silence, I want to say something but my head feels empty around him, I want this friendship to work out so bad that I’m scared to say the wrong or stupid thing to him that will push him away. Few knocks on the door interrupted our silence, I excused myself and opened it, it was Mr.Gibb.

"Hello Brandon." He says behind his huge glasses. Yes he calls me: Brandon, Matthew, sometimes Kyle. But rarely Winston.

"Hello Mr.Gibb."

"Would you mind walking Poppet for me?"

Poppet is his dog. A chug -a mix between Chihuahua and pug breeds- . I usually walk it for him when the weather is cold because Mr.Gibb can't handle the cold.

I smile apologetically:" I'm sorry, I’ve got company now, maybe tomorrow?"

And I hear Monty's voice behind me getting closer: “Actually, we could use some fresh air."

Mr.Gibb looks at him suspiciously :"Who are you?! I don't want you to touch my Poppet."

I say quickly to clear the damage the rude old man has just caused :"It's okay he's a friend of mine, we can trust him."

And I look at Monty with the corner of my eye and he smiles at the mention of him being my friend.

We're equal now. You called me a friend and I did the same. It's official. We're friends, at least in my world.

Mr.Gibb relaxes a little with Winston reassuring words, he takes out his wallet and hands me $2 .

"Here Brandon, these for walking Poppet."

“Thanks!”

I take it quickly from him because I sensed that Monty wanted to comment on the wrong name.

Once Mr.Gibb leaves to get his dog I look at Monty: “Yes?” which means you’re allowed to comment or ask any question before he comes back.

We put on our coats and he says: "I thought your name is Winston."

I look downward pretending to be busy with my hands, he’s so close in this damn narrow hallway: "He doesn't always remember my name, I'm Winston, Brandon, Matthew and a lot more."

He points at the money in my hand : “And he pays you $2 for walking his dog? does he think we live in 1940s?"

I button up my coat and chuckle:" Stop being mean, sometimes he doesn’t have a good grasp of our time, he thinks we‘re in the 60s or 70s" 

"So how do you spend these $2?"

"I don't, I collect them separately and once they reach $10 or $20 I go up to him and tell that I saw him dropping them while walking, or that I borrowed them from him last month and now I'm giving it back."

"And he believes you?" 

"Every single time, the medications he takes mess up with his head a little so it’s easy to convince him with anything I want.”

He looks at me with a relaxed expression, and a shadow of a smile drawn on his perfect thin lips. "Look at you, acting like a saint."

I blush and fumble with my leather gloves: " it's just the right thing to do, you know?" I should wear them quickly before my hands break in sweat. Wetness and leather are not friends. God where's Mr.Gibb? What takes him so long?

"Does he live alone?"

I nod:" He doesn't have any relatives or friends"

"What about a wife?"

I shake my head :" no wife no husband for him"

And I purposely mention the ‘husband’ for a reason that I don’t understand. Maybe I want the sexuality subject to be brought up and make him comfortable to talk about it now or in the future.

I button up the last button and I feel the need to say :" The world is cruel we need to take care of each other. I might end up like him someday, no family, no friends, no partner, and I would like it if someone was kind to me and help me out."

Monty was already wearing his jacket he says with a serious tone:" There's no way someone like you would end up being alone."

I'm not sure what he's implying but judging by the warm intense look he's giving me, I think he’s complementing my look or my personality.

I blush and scream inside: what are you?! Stop confusing me? Are you straight? Bi? For god sake give me an obvious signal.

We left the building with Poppet and walked for 5 minutes in complete silence, I don't feel like talking, and he seems comfortable with it. Poppet walks ahead of us with his tiny legs while I’m holding his leash. 

Monty clears his throat: "So, what happens now?”

I look at him: “ We walk him for 10-20 minutes around the block then we get back.”

He shakes his head smiling and I’m confused so he explains more: “I meant what will happen between you and your boyfriend.”

“Oh!” am I stupid or he wasn’t clear enough?! He seems to be unclear with everything, including his sexuality. 

The last few days were like hell, I thought I can get over him quickly given the fact he’s a cheater, but I thought wrong. You can’t erase someone just like that, I believe the greater the love the greatest the suffer. 

I was lost in my own thoughts that Monty took my silence as a pass to his question.

"Forget it, this is none of my business.”

I say quickly:” no no, it’s fine really, it’s just .. I’m lost and I don’t have an answer to your question now.”

He nods in understanding. I proceed:” what would you do if you were in my place?”

He thinks for few moments then shrugs :” I’ve never been in a long term relationship. “ he stops “ I guess I’ll follow my heart, and my heart will always tell me that once a cheater always a cheater.”

I don’t reply and I let myself get lost in my thoughts again.

“But that’s just me, maybe you’re the type of person who believes in second chances" He said.

“You don’t believe in second chances?”

“Not everyone deserves them, and some mistakes can’t be forgiven.”

This conversation is way too serious for my liking so I change the subject:” How did you find my address?”

He smiles and looks at his walking feet:” I have my ways."

I don’t press it but I assume he asked Jonathan for it, since they obviously talked about me and my family. 

He suddenly stops in his track and says: “I’ve just realised something."

I look at him thinking: realised what?! That you haven’t kissed me with those perfect lips, I wonder if they are soft as they look or rough like other guys', not that I walk around kissing guys, that’s what I hear others say. 

"We've never introduced ourselves properly."

He's right. We know each other names because Jonathan called us by them.   
He stops and I do the same. He extends his hand: " Montgomery De la cruz, but call me Monty. "

I grin at him shaking his hand: "Winston Williams"

And I wish if the weather wasn't fucking cold, because I just lost my chance of feeling his bare palm. Damn you, gloves.

We resume our walk, back to silence

So what now? After this whole thing with Zach and heartache ends, will he retreat from my life? Is he around because he’s stuck with me after telling me about Zach?! He can’t do that, he can’t leave after this whole thing resolved, I’m starting to get used to the idea of him texting me and checking up on me. It’s nice to feel cared by someone who isn’t fucking you. Yet.

This could be our last walk. I can't lose this opportunity to pry more on his life so I ask: “What does Monty live for?"

You can know a lot about someone based on their answers. Some people will go big and say fame and money, others will live for the world peace. Others will stay confined in their little world -which is fine- and say love, or ..

He buries his bare hand in his jacket's pocket and I desperately want to offer him my hand for warmth, but I should keep the creepy offer to myself

"Football."

He answered so simply and so quickly which means it’s a big important part of his life.

"You play?" I couldn't hide my excitement.

He shrugs and says: "Yes, I mean .. I was but I'm banned from playing until further notice " and before I ask about the whys and hows he continues:" it's complicated.”

When someone pulls the 'it's complicated' card, it's their nice way to tell you to stop asking and mind your own business. 

"What about you?"

I take a deep breath and the mixed good and bad street scents attacks me but I smile :" Photography"

"Oh that explains your job."

"You thought my dream job was to work as an assistant for someone like Jonathan " I snort "please!"

He laughs and shakes his head :"He's not that bad outside the studio, he takes his job seriously that's all."

I agree with him after our last encounter but I'm not going to discuss this with him and waste this precious time. I should know him better before it ends. I should say things that will make him come back to me. But I'm not sure what to say. It’s very hard to try to impress someone who is impressive himself. I’m just interested in his life, I want to ask him 100 question a minute.

"Any siblings?" I ask.

"One sister, younger than me"

"How does it feel?"

He jokes: "To fall from heaven?"

Was that a joke?! because judging by your perfect face, hot body, nice personality and Latin blood, you look like an angel to me.

I chuckle: "No silly, how does it feel to have a sister?"

He grins widely: "When we were young it was like nah one of us must go, leave the house to live with grandparents or something. We used to fight all the time over the silliest things, one time we fought because she was breathing fast and consuming my oxygen.” We laugh at the stupidity of child Monty. He calms down :” but as we got older we developed an unbreakable bond." his grins disappears "we grew up with an abusive father, so we learned how to stick together and get each other backs."

I never took him like the kind of person who grew up in an abusive household, he’s too kind and compassionate .

He needs a hug, he probably needs a hug right?! Should I give it to him, or stop being creepy and act natural?q

"And how does it feel? To be the only child?"

He asks and I put the idea of hugging him for later.

"Very lonely."

He looks at me and now I want to be hugged by him. Being the only child didn't really bother me, it was just lonely most of the time. Especially during school breaks. My parents used to send me to camps to make friends but I never did, kids were mean and they were already formed in groups of friends so it was hard to get inside those circles. 

Poppet stops in the middle of the his walk, squats and he's doing what I was scared of, shitting.

We stop and I look away disgusted by the view and the smell now while Monty is looking at him with a sour face. 

I put my hand in my pocket and takes out a small plastic bag that I always carry with me whenever I walk him. I don't want to get fined for leaving 'my dog's' shit on the sidewalk.

"Here." I extend it to Monty.

He looks at the bag then back at me trying to figure out what I'm asking him to do. Then he exclaims:" Hell no! You pick it up!"

"Come on, I always do."

"Not my problem, it's your neighbour’s dog."

"True but it was your idea to get 'some fresh air' remember?"

"I didn't sign up for this" he says pointing at the piece of shit laying on the ground that soon will attract flies.

"Just do it, for God's sake my boyfriend cheated on me."

"Are we having a sympathy contest now?! Okay. Last week I got stood up by a blind date. She probably walked in and saw me then left."

I laugh: “ That’s hardly the same!”

But there's no way someone would see his face and stood him up. What's wrong with people these days?!  
Wait! Did he say 'she'?! I suddenly feel like picking up Poppet's shit and throw it angrily at the nearest wall.   
I should have trusted my gaydar. They weren't wrong signals, he was straight from the start. It’s not just Julie, Martina didn’t drag him into dating her friend, there are more of them that he voluntary dates.

He takes out a coin from his pocket and says smiling like he didn’t just murder the idea of him being gay:" I know how to end this argument." he flips the coin and it lands on the back of his hand, he covers it with the other and asks me :" head or tail?"

Doesn't matter anymore, you're straight, you're dating girls, I'm going to pick Poppet’s shit by myself like I always do. Just leave and never show your perfect face again. Because I'll be seriously considering a gender transformation for you, Mr.’Straight with mixed signals’.

"Head." I say quietly.

He uncover the coin:" Fuck, it's tail!"

I won, I should be happy, but I'm busy with my disappointment. 

"You must be happy!" he says rolling his eyes while taking the plastic bag from my hand, with closed eyes he picks it up and jogs to the nearest bin to throw it. He rubs his hands on his jeans in disgust as if cleaning them.

Few drops of rains promising of more wetting the sidewalk. 

"I think we better get back" he says. I nod in agreement. 

We walk in quick pace until we reach the building where I live. I ascend the stairs expecting him to follow. But he's standing at the building door.

"Aren’t you coming up?" I asked stopping at the third step.

"I should get back to my place before it pours heavily."

"Alright." I said with a hint of disappointment. 

"It was nice seeing you, Winston.”

It was nicer seeing you, trust me.

"You too, thanks for stopping by and for the food."

“It was nothing.”

It was everything. I feel like talking and stall him more but I don’t need to because -call me crazy- he doesn’t seem like he wants to leave.

He looks around the place as if there’s something interesting laying around here and there. 

“So, text me if you need anything.”

I feel like taking out my phone and text him right here at this moment to tell him that I need him right now, in my bed!

Concentrate, horny Winston. This guy is straight.

I say: “I will.”

“Good, take care of yourself. “ He waves his hand with a smile then leave. 

I look at Poppet who was sniffing between the stairs rails :” Oh Poppet, what should I do?!”

I dropped Poppet at Mr.Gibb's apartment who was about to give me another $2 because he forgot that he gave it to me in advance. 

Once I closed the door of my apartment and hung up my coat, I was humming a song when I heard someone clearing his throat. 

To my surprise I found Alex, sitting on the couch looking nervous. I haven't seen him in few days. He stands up and straightens his shirt to calm himself for my confrontation. 

I pass him heading to my room but he stops me:" Winston.."

My back is facing him. 

"Can we talk?"

I spin around and look at him with a bored expression. He wants to talk. Now. but he didn’t want to talk when he slept with my ex and stabbed me in the back with their secret meetings.

"Please, it won't take time."

I nod and sit in the armchair, I don't feel like sitting in the same couch he's sitting on.

I keep gazing at him, and it must have made him uncomfortable. He's more nervous now looking around trying to figure out how to start this conversation. So I decided to help him out a little: "Why Zach?"

His eyes widens for a split of second, my question has knocked and scattered every thought he was preparing. He licks his lips stalling: "Zach and I have a history together before you came to his life.."

They were high school friends. That's all I know. I know nothing about any kind of history between them.

He continues:" After my failed suicide attempt.." he stops and I sympathise with him for a moment because this topic is a very sensitive one. Alex, Zach and the Jensens never talked about it in details. All I know is that he got depressed after a classmate committed suicide, Justin told me that Alex dated her for a short period of time and he considered himself responsible somehow for her death. Alex continues: Zach was the first and only one there for me, he helped me in so many ways, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Everyone else tried to distanced themselves, they didn't want to be associated with the weird depressed kid who failed at pointing his gun to the right place. I was too complicated for everyone, no one wanted to be friend with me, they thought I would do it again if they said the wrong thing.." 

And I see a single drop of tears travels his cheek, he wipes it immediately, and exhaled: "That night, the night we ... we did it, we were both drunk, I started it, he tried to stop me but I was persistent so he gave in to me."

Am I supposed to forgive them? Is being drunk a good excuse for cheating?

I play with my fingers and say: "So that was a one time mistake. What about ... your secret meetings?"

I look at him because I want to see how his expression went from sad and depressed to shocked and guilty. He probably thinks I hired a private investigator to track Zach and fill me up with pictures and videos of their meetings. I'm not that creepy. I just happen to know the barista who works at the place where they had their secret meetings. Beside I don't have the money to hire one. Use your brain, Alex. 

"I know everything Alex, you don't have to lie."

He quickly says: "We met, yes, few times. He didn't want to meet me secretly but I kind of pressured him" he runs his hand through his blond hair and I hate the color of it now, every time I look at it I remember that night when I was in Monty’s manager’s office looking at the recorded surveillance. He says: "I gave him the impression that if we don't end up together I might try it again .. "

Try what you piece of shit?!

"Try to commit suicide." 

How low could you go, Alex? 

"I didn't precisely threaten him with suicide, he somehow concluded it and I never corrected him or assured him that I won't do it."

Again, how fucking low could you go?!

I ask:" Does Charlie know?"

Poor Charlie, he probably doesn't know because yesterday he sent me a meme then called me up laughing to make sure that I got it and that I was laughing at it too.

"No, I'm not ..."

I interrupt : "What are you waiting for?!" 

"I needed to have this conversation with you before telling him. I need to know what will happen between you and Zach?"

"What does Zach and I have to do with you two?"

He looks at the floor: "If you manage to forgive Zach and stay with him, then I'll keep the cheating thing between the three of us"

Why does he expect me to lie and hide something like that for him from Charlie?! I like the faith he puts in me although it's not really in its right place.

"And if we're over?"

He slowly raises his head, his blue eyes are full of tears in a matter of seconds and he says sobbing:  
"Winston, I love Zach so much, I can't .. I can't imagine my life without him.... please."

Please? Is he begging me to stay away from his way? Am I a threat to his happiness?!

"I can't get over him, I can't see him with someone else, I would do anything to have him! I need him so bad! He's my rock."

He was my rock too until you came between us.

He finishes his pathetic speech, still sobbing while wiping the unending stream of tears. Once he calms down I clear my throat to get his attention. He looks at me with puffy red eyes.

I nod slowly then I stand up, my eyes stings with tears but I'm not going to cry in front of him, I say quietly :" just .. break up with Charlie as fast as you can, don't lead him on anymore."

And that was my way to give him the green light. To tell him that Zach and I won't be together, and he can go and fuck him with clear conscious.

He nods in understanding, and I go to my room before I break in tears.

  
**********

Next day Charlie texted me in the afternoon ..

  
_"Hey Winston"_

_"Hey Charlie, what’s up?"_

_"I don't know .... "_

Those few dots at the end of his text doesn't seem good, probably Alex did his part of the deal. 

I call him immediately, he picks up, his voice sounding different: "Alex broke up with me." He was crying.

This is what I hate about break ups, the first few days/weeks, they’re the worst and the hardest. 

"it's okay Charlie" no it's not, but it'll be "would you like me to stop by?"

He sighs :" I could use some company, we could recover together."

Oh so he didn't just break up with him, he told him the full version. The truth. I'm impressed by Alex's integrity .   
Anyway, I did half of my recovery time in Monty's bed. I love how dirty that sounds although nothing happened except me sweating through his sheets .. oops that sounded dirty too. And the other half I did it crying alone between my couch and bed. I'm done recovering. I'm good.

"Sure, I'll be there in 30 minutes"

I hang up and got dressed, then I stopped by the nearest convenience store to Charlie's place and bought two boxes of ice cream. Which reminds me ..

" _Did you buy Martina her ice cream?_ " I texted Monty once I was outside the store with the plastic bag in my other hand. Then I went to Charlie's place.

He opens the door and throws himself at me. I hug him back tightly. I expected him to be a crying mess but he seems better, puffy eyes, red nose but no tears. Good, I wouldn't know how to deal with crying Charlie. 

He pulls away to watch my face while holding my shoulders and asks :"Are you alright?"

He's worried about me, how could Alex cheat on him?! He's such a sweet guy, too precious for this cruel world.

I nod with a small smile, we get inside and head to the kitchen. I take out 2 spoons.  
He comes and sit on the island just like I did the other day, I was troubled and now he's troubled. Actually both of us troubled but I moved on, I cried myself to sleep multiple time then Monty came to the rescue.  
while I was leaning against the sink   
He sighs and takes the spoon and the ice cream from me: "I saw that coming. " 

We all saw it coming, Charlie. 

He digs his spoon in the ice cream and say while looking downward :"You know, my mom didn't like him when she met him, said he doesn't seem like he'll be sticking around for long, dad disagreed with her though."

"Mother's instinct never mistakes"

He snorts "Exactly.” He sighs: “ I was so close to get a tattoo of his face on my back."

I almost chock in my ice cream :" Charlie, please .. never get a tattoo of your significant one's name or face. That's an advice for the future"

"What future? I don't think I'll be dating anyone anymore, celibacy doesn't seem like a bad idea."

"Don't say that. You're a great guy, you'll come across someone special one day.”

He sighs not entirely convinced with what I said, so I add: “It’s not like you lost Romeo."

There I said it. I roasted Alex. 

"Let's make a deal" he suggests excitedly.

He's partially back to his old self. I'm glad.

"Which is?"

"In 20 years if we don't find love we get married, you and I.”

I think for a while, I wasn't really the kind of guy who dates a lot, Zach was my first official boyfriend. I've been with some guys in high school but they were just for fun, nothing serious. They wanted sex, I wanted sex and comfort so we messed around. After Zach I'm not really sure how to start the whole dating scene. Do I go to gay bars? Or better engage is online dating sites?

I suggest: "We don't have to get married, we can live together as friends."

"But I want marriage! I want kids and family.”

“I can’t marry you.”

“Why?! I’m not hot enough like your Asian ex?” 

You should see my new crush, the hot Latinx.

“You know what, we don’t have to get married” he says “we can live together as friends but you’ll include me in your will. If I can’t find love I want to die rich.”

I roll my eyes "how many times do I have to say that my family is rich but I'm not"

"They won't stay mad forever"

This is what Monty said, suddenly my heart beats faster when I remember him sitting on my couch eating his sandwich like he belonged there. It was a very domestic view that I could get used to. 

Charlie's smile vanishes and was exchanged with a serious expression: "How are you so... calm about what happened? It feels like I'm the only one here who got cheated and dumped."

Should I tell him about Monty? Or is it too soon to talk about it? We're supposed to recover from this but I don't feel as broken as I should be.

A click of a door being opened, thank God. The welcomed interruption .Brenda comes out of her room and in the kitchen wearing nothing but black panties with her huge breasts bouncing free.

Forget about the welcomed part, this isn't what I want to happen.

Once she realised I'm in there she curses and try to cover herself. 

Charlie quickly says:" It's okay Brenda, he's gay."

What the hell?!

She relaxes a little and walks to the fridge without covering anything, her body is mostly covered with tattoos, faces of people, symbols, and phrases. And I find myself fascinated by the art on her body, I can't stop looking, someone might think I'm lusting after her but I'm not. She takes a bottle of water and goes back to her room.

I look at Charlie :" What the hell was that?"

"I know, right?!" He shakes his head :"pfft! straight people with their fucked up gaydar. With that hair and the pink lip gloss it’s stupid to think you’re straight when in fact you’re as straight as a cooked spaghetti!"

" I'm not wearing lip gloss!"

"You're not? So you got cheated on with those lips! Damn you, Zach Dempsy! How stupid are you?" Then he winks and kisses the air.

"Don't change the subject!"

"What?" He asks cluelessly with the spoon inside his mouth "Winston that's Brenda, you met her before."

Idiot!

"I know who she is. What's with the 'he's gay'?"

"You're gay, Winston. Relax it's not like you'll get turned on by the boobies and turn straight for them" and he chuckles, he finds himself funny. Great.

"I know, but .. does she know you are bi??"

He stops giggling, oh now he doesn't find himself funny. He comes down from the island with a panicked face and gets closer to me, he says with a hushed voice:" Shhh, keep your voice down!"

"She doesn't know! Charlie that's creepy, she walks around you like that thinking you're gay!"

"I know I know, I'm scared to tell her the truth, she saw me with Alex and assumed I'm gay, so I never corrected her." What a lousy excuse.

He asks and his face looks hurt: “Don’t I look Bi to you?"

I'm not sure how Bi people supposed to look like.

I look him up and down not sure what to say to him.

He says: "Don't worry, I avert my eyes every time she walks naked in front of me."

"What an innocent son of bitch you are."

He flutters his eyes few times living up to the innocent description.

He leans against the sink beside me and gets back to his ice cream.

_Ding_

I take my phone out, a text from Monty, I find myself smiling:" _Shiiit completely forgot about her, thanks for the reminder Winnie ✌🏼_ "

Winnie .. Winnie .. Winnie.

Stop it, stop calling me Winnie, Stop luring me with your charm. I can't fall for you.  
I should block him, erase him from my life. but I don't want to.

“Charlie.."

"Hmm?" 

"I think I'm falling for a straight guy."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 18+ stuff 🤐🔞🔞🔞🔞

I left Charlie's place after he spent half an hour lecturing me why it's a bad idea to fall for a straight guy, then he lectured me for another half an hour about the importance of healing and slowing down without jumping into relationships because I've just came out of a long-term one. He kind of has a point. He said what I'm feeling isn't love but attraction because Monty was caring in a time I needed comfort, then he advised me to put it aside and never give it a thought at least for now. But he's wrong, I know the difference between love and attraction. Attraction is me admiring his body, look and maybe fantasize about him from time to time. Love is thinking about him and replaying every moment with him, love is wondering what he's doing every time he comes across your mind. He might be right about how fast I’m going but there's something about Monty that makes me drawn to him. The guy was nothing but nice and gentle with me since day one. Well, not entirely nice, because I still remember the hickey incident, what was that about anyway?!

_Ding_

" _Your mom can't reach you, did you block her?! call her as soon as you get this_ " 

A message from Dylan, my cousin. 

The whole point of blocking someone is not wanting to hear from them, why do I have to call her?!   
I'm just going to ignore his text and he’ll go away.

**********

The room is hot and dark, I'm drenched in sweat and the fact the he glued himself on my back doesn't help. He's burning hot too and our bodies sweat are mixed together due to our proximity, I don't know how we ended up here, I can't see his face but I know it's Monty.

He thrusts in with delicious force and I moan mostly from pain. He's bigger than I'm used to but I don't mind the slight burn. Because soon it'll be covered by pleasure, and pleasure only.

I need to hold into something, I hold the sheets till my knuckles turn white, I pant gathering as much oxygen as I can, I don't want to tell him to stop and let me breathe, I need him to be fast and hard. I can take it, I can take whatever he has to offer, he thrusts repeatedly with much force and grunts, I can't help but moan his name in pleasure now. 

His left arm is circling me from behind, not allowing any space between his chest and my back, while his right hand travels between the bed and my body. He holds my cock and squeezes whispering in my right ear :" You're not allowed to come until I say so" I nod quickly, ‘allowed’ it’s an order that I should comply to, but my body betrays me the moment I've realized that I'm under his control. I shot my cum to the sheets moaning his name.

I open my eyes slowly and the room is no longer dark. I'm not naked and I'm alone in my own room. That was a wet dream. I can't remember the last time I had one of these. I sit up and cover my face with my hands feeling the stickiness in my boxer. I replay the dream again and I'm starting to forget some of the details but maybe if I revise it once more it'll stick to my memory and I can ...

Shit, I'm getting hard by thinking about it. 

I don’t want to jerk off only, I want something inside me to relive the dream. Shit, I wish if I’ve kept Charlie’s gift!

***Flash back***

It's my birthday, we’re sitting in the living room, Zach on the armchair and I’m sitting in his lap due to the lack of space and because I want to sit in his lap, Charlie on the floor, Alex and Clay on the couch while Justin prefers not to squeeze himself between them so he’s sitting on the backside of the same couch like a monkey. 

"Open my gift first!” Charlie said with excitement.

"Mine last!" Zach says and everyone wow and laugh. I blush at their implication of his gift, they expect it to be a good fuck but Zach ruins the fantasy for them: ” Fuck off guys, I got him a real gift!” and he points at the biggest wrapped box.

I take Charlie’s gift and unwrap it, it’s a cuboid white box, I open it and my face heats up at its content.

"What’s in there?” Alex asks with curiosity of his boyfriend’s gift to me. I fumble with the box and Zach takes a look at it behind my shoulder then looks at Charlie: "Seriously?! he doesn’t need a dildo! He got me!” 

Justin says:” Every gay guy needs at least one dildo.”

Clay who was busy cutting and passing everyone a piece of cake adds:” so every straight guy needs a sex doll too?”

"Only straight guys like you who can’t get laid, Clay." he extends his hand to take his piece of cake from Clay who pulls it immediately after hearing his comment “hey my cake!”

Justin and Clay wrestle each other while Alex looks uncomfortable beside them

“I don’t need it" I shake my head.

Charlie says: “Sure you do, what if Zach busy with college and stuff or away visiting his family?!”

"I’m sure I can wait for him." And I place a small peck on his lips.

"Do I have to bring you another gift now?” he whines.

"No need, consider it accepted ” and I pass him his gift, he smiles happily and shakes the dildo in the air and says: “ Alex and I will have a lot of fun with this."

***End of flashback***

I don’t have a dildo so I have to improvise, I lie down still closing my eyes and I let my hand shifts to the south, under the waistband of my boxer. I circle my semi hard cock and give it few strokes. Imagining it’s Monty's hand, I squeeze the base hearing his voice in my head commanding me not to come, I'll obey his order this time. I play along and whimper:" please, please" I'm begging the imaginary Monty, the one in my head.

" _Not now_ " he says with a deep low voice.

"I'll do anything to come" I pant.

  
" _Take it off!_ "

He’s referring to my boxer, I comply and strip out of it.

“ _Where’s the lube?_ ” he asks.

"I don’t have any, just use your spit” in fact I have one in the drawer of my nightstand but I think what I’m about to do doesn’t need lube, it’s better with spit. Beside I want to relive the dream, I need the pain and using lube won’t give me pain.

I bring my left fingers to my mouth and suck them off.

“ _Suck them real good, be generous with your saliva_.”

After wetting my fingers with my saliva and insert one finger inside. There was resistance but it went in eventually after repeating the inside outside motion.

I beg:" I need more!"

He shoves another finger and now it's two filling me. He scissors me preparing my hole for his cock, but in reality I'll just add a third finger and imagining the three fingers as his cock. Probably that downsizing of the real cock but I have to make do.

He whispers in my ears: " _Ass up, face down_."

And I do as I was told immediately, now I have two free hands.  
The right one will fuck my ass and the left one will stroke my cock.   
But in my head, the right one is Monty's cock and the left one is his hand.

The third finger is in now, it stings but I moan in pleasure, the other hand is working on my shaft quickly.

My breathe is quicken with ever thrust and stroke of his hand. 

" _Who's my good boy?"_ he whispers again in my ear.

"I am! I am your good boy!" I hardly form my words.

" _Do you want to come?"_

"Y.. yes!"

" _Then beg for it._ "

"Please, Monty."

' _Please what?_ "

"Please, let me come."

With that, my cock twitched and my hip jerked and I spilled on my sheets. 

I take out my fingers and lower my ass until I laid flat on my stomach in the small puddle of cum. I'll worry about cleaning later, right now I just need to relax and regain my composure. 

And I wonder if this what imagination feels, I bet the real thing will feel one hundred percent better!

I close my eyes and drift into a deep sleep. 

************

_Ding_

I open my eyes lazily, grab my phone and check the time, it's 1:30, wow I slept 2 hours. My body is so relaxed. I needed that kind of release. 

  
I open the text, it’s from Dylan:

" _You're ignoring me now?! Call her for God's sake, she calls me every hour asking about you!_ "

I sigh, I'm very tempted to block him too but I can't. He's the only family member I'm still in contact with.

I text back :" _any idea what she wants?"_

  
He replies immediately :" _don’t know don’t care! just call her_ "

I roll my eyes, does Dylan know how to block someone? If he does he should block her too if she annoys him that much.

And when I was typing my reply telling him to block her he sends:" _Winnie, we need to talk_."

  
I erase what I was typing " _Okay, I'll call you in 20 minutes_ "

  
 _"No I need to see you, can we meet somewhere?_ ”

This doesn't seem good. Sure we still text each other from time to time but we never meet after the whole ordeal with the family.

  
I texted him the address of a cafe in the opposite side of the one where Monty works. Meeting Dylan is pessimism, I know nothing good will come out of it. In case I need comfort after whatever he has to tell me I know where to go, I'll just have to cross the street and find it. And I thought I might just stop by and say hello or at least catch a glimpse of him rocking that black apron he wears while preparing the customers’ orders. Maybe my next masturbation session should include the apron thing. I smile at myself remembering the dream.

I need to take a shower, I hear the TV on, Alex is there, so I can’t run naked to the bathroom, I need to put something on. I wear my soiled boxer with a shirt and I leave my room and find him on the couch watching a repetition of a game show from last night.

I'm not really comfortable with him around me after our last encounter. But I can't do anything about it. I need him to pay half the rent, so looking for another place is out of the question.  
"Hey." he says sheepishly.

I can be civilised I won't be rude "hey."

  
I head to the bathroom but he stops me: 

"Have you talked to Charlie?"

  
And for the first time I see a worried look that I never seen before in his eyes.

"Yeah, I was at his place yesterday "

"How is he? Is he okay after ... ?"

He'll live Alex, don't flatter yourself.

"He's fine. Heart broken but he'll get through it."

He nods. So I walk to my destination, the bathroom.

"Winston.”

  
What now?! I stop and look at him.

He fidgeted with his fingers: "I've never apologised for what we did to you and Charlie” he raises his head: “ sorry about .. everything."

I nod not sure of what kind of reply he’s expecting from me, the wound hasn’t healed yet. 

"And I really don’t want this to get between our friendship.”

You’re asking too much from me.

But I nod again to end the conversation, it’ll never be the same for us. You stabbed me in the back and I can’t trust you as a friend anymore. 

I take a cold shower because my cock started to show interest every time I think about what I did couple hours ago, I can't come for the third time, it's too much for me. But my hand disagrees and now I'm stroking myself under the shower picturing Monty in my head.

I dress up a little too fashionably to compensate the bad image I had represented to Monty 2 days ago when he visited me unannounced.

I descend the stairs then I go under the staircase where I keep my bicycle, I hear the building door closing while I’m crouching to unlock my bike, someone just came in, I look at them and it was Zach.

My heart did a weird thing that I couldn’t understand when I saw him. Maybe Charlie was right, I shouldn’t jump into anything until I’m completely over him. Zach was about to take the stairs when he saw me standing from my place, he stops and we look at each other. He doesn’t seem to be doing fine, it seems like he lost some weight in the past few days, but I could be mistaken maybe I’m just imagining it.

  
“Hey.” He says tiredly. 

“Hello” 

He’s silent in what it feels like ages. I break the silence and say:” Alex is upstairs.” And I walk toward the door with my bike beside me.

He quickly blocks my way and shakes his head while still looking at me with that tired look :” I’m not here for Alex, can we talk?”

“I have to be somewhere else, excuse me.” 

I know exactly what does he want to talk about. I can’t let him confuse me. I made my decision and I think it’s the best for the three of us. Zach, Alex, and I.

I gently push him and I feel like I was pushing a feather, he isn’t making any effort to stand his ground. Or he’s too weak to do so.

I keep walking and he says with a shaky voice :” After everything we had, don’t I deserve 5 minutes of your time?”

I stop at his tone. He’s right, although I’m still angry and disgusted with him, we deserve a quiet talk, a proper closure. I support my bike against the nearest wall and go to the stairs and sit on the third step looking at him while he was looking at the floor. 

“I’m listening “ I say while clasping my hands together to hide the slight tremble.

He sighs and comes closer to sit beside me, I feel like standing up and keep few meters distance from him but I don’t. 

He starts: “ How have you been?”

“Good I guess. You?”

He sighs: “I haven’t been sleeping or eating since ... we had that conversation.” It wasn’t a regular conversation, it was a break up, you can say it Zach, no need to sugar-coat the reality we live in “I can’t study or even pick up my phone when mom calls to check up on me.”

He’s not lying, he looks like a walking corpse dug up from the grave.

Sorry Mrs.Dempsy, not only did I ‘turn your son into a homosexual’, I’m also making him fail his classes while starving.

I don’t say anything because I don’t know how to respond to his misery, I had it worst. he proceeds : “I hope you spent the past few days thinking about us."

I say monotonously: “There’s no us, Zach. not anymore.“

“Winston” he looks at me while I look upfront avoiding his face: “I fucked up, I don’t expect you to forgive me instantly, I’ll wait. you can take as much time as you need, if it takes you years to forgive me I’ll wait. But please...please forgive me."

He’s making it hard. 

I shake my head and I say quietly:” This isn’t working."

“Tell me what to do to make it work for you! “ 

He sounds desperate and it pains me to say: “You can’t do anything! I’ll always remember what you did when I look at you. If I call you one day and you don’t pick up because you’re napping or taking a piss I’ll always expect you to be fucking someone else.” I stop to take a deep breath “It will be exhausting, fucking exhausting! For both of us.”

He leans forward to meet my eyes: “It doesn’t have to be, I swear it won’t happen again, ever.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Because I’ll never drink, I’ll never sip from a glass of alcohol. "

I smile at the irony, few weeks ago I was begging him for forgiveness, I promised him not to take one sip of alcohol, and now he’s doing the same.

“Zach please.."

He buries his head in his hands realising that nothing could fix this, it’s over. and I silently beg him not to cry. I don’t want him to cry, I don’t want to cry myself, we’re supposed to be done with crying. Few minutes passed and he’s still covering his face, I say with a low voice: 

“Alex loves you."

I’m not sure if he already knows it, but I’m telling him anyway just in case he thought that night meant nothing, it did, at least to one of them. He removes his hands quickly and he wasn’t crying, good.

“I don’t love Alex!" Zach says in a loud voice near shouting.

I want to shush him because I’m afraid Alex would hear him and get hurt, he sees my expression and understands my concern so he lower his voice: “I love you! Only you, Winston.”

Alex’s image passes my mind, crying with those innocent blue eyes begging me to stay away and give him a chance with Zach.

"Alex needs you." 

“And you don’t ?” 

I need you, I fucking need you so bad.

I say nothing to his question because admitting the truth could give him a false hope. We stay in complete silence for couple of minutes, it was quiet except for the muffled sounds coming from the tenants living in the building. 

He shakes his head ending the silence:” I can’t be with him, he’s the reason of this whole mess.”

“Don’t put it all on him, I think both of you are equally guilty.”

He sighs: “If I had one chance to erase one mistake from my whole life it would be that night.”

My eyes are burning with tears, I didn’t miss the change of tone in his voice. I try to hold them as much as I can but a single drop travels and I quickly wipe it. 

“I’m sorry." I stand up, take my bike and leave him behind without looking at him.

My heart ached at the sight of him broken like that. For a split second I felt like forgiving him, as mush as I hate what he did Zach is .. was my haven. There was always a warm aura around him, and I think Alex fell in love with him for that exact reason. Remembering what Alex told me 2 days ago made me make up my mind. I wanted to be selfish and forgive Zach but knowing Alex’s history with depression I feel responsible somehow about his mental health. He begged me to stay away and I told him I will. I’m keeping my promise.

I go to the coffee shop where I'm supposed to meet Dylan. I sit on the outside table to get a better look of Monty when the door of his coffee shop opens by a custom. He's behind the cash register now. I feel creepy but I can't help it. We're friends right? Friends observe each other.

Dylan is 15 minutes late, I'll wait 15 minutes more if he doesn’t show up I'm leaving. He needs to realize that people's time is precious.

I take out my phone and text him: 

“ _where are you?”_

And just when I pressed the ‘send' button I hear a roar of a fancy car fills up the whole block, I raise my head to admire the source. I'm not into cars but I like to see these fancy machines, although they keep reminding me of the luxuries I left behind. I can't see the driver because the windshield is tinted. He gets out of his silver Ferrari and closes the butterfly door locking it with his automatic key, he comes closer and I expect him to head for the door that I'm sitting beside it. The closer he gets the clearer his face is, I know those scarred cheeks with teens acne. It's Dylan.

He stops at my table blocking the afternoon sun, he smiles and takes off his ridiculously expensive sunglasses. An anger wash over me. I don't return the smile instead I say:" They bought you with their money, didn't they?"

His smile vanishes and say:" hello to you too , cousin."

He sits down and I feel like getting up and leave him there. But I need to know what happened, how did he went from being on my side to theirs?! Or more accurately how much they paid to get him to their side? Judging by the car which is probably costs like a million dollar, they paid a lot.

He sighs putting his glasses on the table :"I don’t have a boyfriend who hands me monthly allowance."

"Fuck you, Zach never put a penny in my pocket!"

And I was so close to tell him that he's no longer my boyfriend but I didn't. It's none of his business. And I don’t want him to spread the news in the family and make me look the vulnerable one. 

I shake my head in disapproval: "Fuck, Dylan I thought we were a team, that we were in this together!"

He suddenly loses his shit and says: "We are in this together but do you have any idea how hard it was to live here without financial support?! I had to work in fast food restaurants and still couldn't afford my daily meals at the end of the month. Winston, my landlord locked me out one time because I was behind in paying my rent. I slept on the park bench! Then I started working as an escort just to cover my rent for one of the shittiest apartment in the city! It was humiliating! Me .. Dylan Fucking Williams worked as an escort!"

He goes silent for few minutes to calm himself down after making a scene and attract the attention of the passer-bys. 

He leans closer and says with a calm voice: "We can't win this, this is way above us, we're nothing compared to the authority they have."

And now it’s my turn to lose my shit: "You can't, but I can and I will"

I hit the table in frustration and the pain electrifies my whole body but I pretend to be solid and unaffected. 

He flinches then shrugs: "Suit yourself, keep fighting this losing battle if you want, but don't you dare judge me before you walk in my shoes!"

I walked in your shoes in fact I'm still fucking walking in this shoes. When you're bathing with their dirty money I'm still struggling with it from time to time.

Why is he acting like I have it easier?! Does he really think that Zach spends money on me like a sugar daddy?! This is ridiculous. 

I don't reply to what he said, I'm done discussing this with him. I can't win him back. I take a sip from my coffee with trembling hands, I hope he isn’t observant enough then I ask: “So, why did you want to see me? It wasn't to show off your Ferrari and show me what I'm missing out, was it?"

He looks down and takes a deep breath :"No, your mom is sticking to my ass, you have to call her."

I muster all the cold emotions I could get: "I won't, anything else?" 

"Winston, He's dying, okay? He might be dead while we're having this conversation right now."

"Who’s dying?”

I think I have an idea of who he is talking about but I feel the need to recheck.

"You know who! Grandpa!"

My heart beats faster and my body shakes a little, am I scared of a dying old man?!

"And you're telling me this because...?"

"You have to see him, to forgive him."

"Did you actually pull me from my peaceful state of mind, to tell me this? To ask me to forgive him?"

"There's no way you're living in peace when hell is breaking loose in the family because of what you did" then he corrects himself " what _we_ did."

I look away, squinting at the cold breeze that hit my face.

"Think it over, but don't take your time because he doesn't have much time left, let the man die in peace."

I gulped, I want to slap him for the last part of his sentence, ‘let the man die in peace’ what about my own peace?!

He stands up preparing to leave but I ask:

"Did _you_ forgive him?"

He stops moving for few seconds, and I know that my question has affected him. He wears his sun glasses and says :"It was good to see you, Winston. "

  
I don't look at him but I snort, I'm still looking away not wanting to meet his eyes, i don't want him to see the tears forming in my eyes. Just leave already.

He gets in his car and the engine roars then he leaves with the looks of people admiring his car. 

I inhale shakily, then I cover my face with my cold icy hands.

I feel my phone vibrates in my pocket. I take it out and it's Monty's name in the screen. For a second I feel like swiping the red button to decline his call but then I look across the street and he's standing outdoor leaning against the glass wall of the cafe with the phone on his ears while looking at me from his place and a cigarette in his mouth. I didn’t know he’s smoker. Then I remember the whole purpose of meeting Dylan here.

I clear my throat and I press the green button :" Hello?" 

He takes the cigarette and blows the smoke in the air, he says with a light tone :" _Your new boyfriend has a nice car_."

Did he see Dylan and his car? For how long he's been standing there.

"He's not my boyfriend, he’s my cousin."

" _Are you alright?"_

I shake my head while looking at him across the street not daring to say anything because my voice will betray me.

" _My shift ends in 1 hour, can you wait?_ "

I whisper with a shaky voice " I can't hold myself."

And those words could mean a lot of things but in my context it was about breaking down in tears. How embarrassing would it be to be a crying mess here alone?!

He quickly says: " _Okay, just give me 5 minutes._ "

Then he hangs up on me and I see him going inside. I watch him talking to the guy behind the cash register now, then goes where I can't watch him anymore. 

In 3 minutes his jeep takes the turn of the corner where the cafe he works at is located few stores away.  
He parks in front of me and motions for me to get in.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️ WARNING ⚠️ 
> 
> * Mention of child sexual abuse. 
> 
> * Self-harm.

"Where are we going?" I ask once we left the city and the road was almost empty from cars. 

"Have some patience." he smiles at me then looks back at the empty road. Oh I have some patience, in fact I have a lot of patience because if I don't I would have probably asked you to pull over and gave you the best blowjob you'll ever get in your entire life.

We finally reach our destination after a silent ride, the beach.

It's fall, no one visits the beach except the crazy ones, like us.

I look at him unable to supress a smile: "Really, Monty?"

He smiles back: "Yes really, come on!"

He gets off the car and I do the same, the smell of salty water and the sound of seagulls competing with the sound of waves fill the place.

I can’t remember the last time I visited the beach, whenever Zach and I needed a swim we went to the swimming pool.

We take off our shoes, leave them in the car and walk on the sand which was colder than expected but my feet got used to it immediately. 

Monty stops few meters away from the shore. He puts his hands in his jeans pockets and says: " Now scream."

"What?" I stand beside him with a questioning stupid smile not sure of what he said.

He points with his chin: "Scream at the sea, tell it whatever bothers you."

I chuckle at how childish that action will look like, is he making fun of me? Does he want to make a clown out of me?

I shake my head still smiling :"That’s crazy, I'm not doing that."

"Alright Mr.Sanity, I'll start."

He takes out his hands, trap his mouth between his palms and takes a deep breath then screams: "Fuck you, Mr.Harris! You made my life a living hell."

I laugh , although I'm not supposed to but how can I not when he smiles at me with a perfect set of teeth. Okay, now that’s something a serial killer would say.

“Glad that you enjoy my suffering.”

I cover my mouth trying to hold my laughter: “ I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” After I’m done with laughing I inquire: " Who's Mr.Harris?"

"The team manager." 

Monty takes the cigarette packet out of his pocket and offers me one.

“Thanks, I don’t smoke.” I say.

He takes one trapping it between his lips then lightens, takes a deep breath and let it out with a relaxed features.

"Neither do I.” He walks ahead of me and I follow him.

I take a double look to check if what I saw was true: “That thing between your fingers begs to differ.”

He shrugs without looking at me: “I smoke occasionally, mainly when there’s so much occupying my mind.” 

He sighs :”The team manager refuses to meet me." He takes another inhale from his cigarette:” he won’t take my calls or look into my proposal to get back to the team.”

I lick my lips nervously because I’m about to intrude more into his life:” Why .. why did he ban you in the first place?”

He said before ‘it’s complicated’ but I want to know, I want him to open up, he knows a lot of stuff about me when I know few, almost nothing. 

He looks at me then at his feet then back at me, as if contemplating whether to tell me or not. He says:” If I tell you, would you tell me what bothered you so much and turned you into Hulk with that table smack movement?”

I blush and look away embarrassed, exactly for how long he’s been standing there?! Sure I chose the place in purpose but I didn’t want him to see me frustrated like that.  
  
“I’m just messing around with you, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to."

But I do want to tell you, I just feel like I’m drowning you with my own drama, and I fear that you’ll mentally connect me to everything negative when I want to be everything positive in your life. 

He doesn’t wait for a reply and says: “I beat up two members of the team. Really fucked them up, one of them is still recovering and can’t play the upcoming season.”

“Why?” I’m curious more than ever now: “Why did you beat them?” There’s no way someone as gentle as him could beat up someone without a reasonable reason, right?

He sighs: “I was kind of drunk, and they said the wrong thing so I hit them.” 

“All by yourself?”

“Diego helped a little at the end but I made sure that he didn’t get in trouble, we both can’t get kicked out of the team.”

“What a saint."

And he smiles at my comment, he remembers. He knows now that I memorize everything he says.

“You weren’t hurt, were you?” and I blush at what I’ve just said, that was too obvious, Winston. Slow down.

I look at him and I swear I could see a faint blush on his cheeks:” No, I mean a little, but you should seen them."

I smile at his pride: “I’m sure your manager wants to teach you a lesson in self restrain that’s all, he’ll call you back sooner or later."

He clicks his tongue and says hesitantly :” That’s not the only reason why I got banned...”

What’s more left beside violence, suddenly I feel nervous at his confession..

“I was using." he says without any introduction. He must have seen a shocked expression on my face because he stops and grabs my arm gently to get my attention :” But I swear I’m clean now, I haven’t used since I got banned.”

His grip sends an electricity through my body, it’s not a bad sensation but I’m afraid he felt the slight tremble. He looks at me intensely and I think he desperately wants me to believe him and I do, he’s not lying and he doesn’t need to convince me.

I nod slowly and say in the quietest tone: “Okay.”

He drops my arm and starts walking. I follow him and I feel like I need to move the conversation to me because he clearly isn’t comfortable with what he just said. After all, we’re here because of me.

"Zach and I are officially over. No coming back.” Beside the fact that this sounded stupid as a start of a new conversation, I don’t know why I’m telling him this kind of information. My subconscious wants to let him know that I’m available so bad and it’s embarrassing, my subconscious is embarrassing!

He nods and asks: “Are you okay?”

I take a deep breath and bury my hands in my coat pockets: “ Yeah of course. Both of us got the closure we need.”

I’m trying to tame my tongue to keep more of my conversation with Zach as a secret. Monty doesn’t need to know that Zach still loves me, regrets what happens, and wants to fix things up. That would push him away and make him feel like he’s in a competition when in fact I’m just waiting for him and he doesn’t need to make any effort to win me. 

Shit, I’m pathetic. 

"I’m glad.” He says but I’m not sure if he means it. He said it in the kind of tone you use for the sake of just saying anything to add your contribution in the conversation. 

I stop walking, he walks few steps then realizes I'm not following him, he stops too and spins to look at me with a questioning look.

"Also I lied!” I blurt out because I don’t know how to start this. My heart beats a little faster than it should be. I’m hoping he isn’t one of those people who appreciate honesty and refuses to be lied at in any matter.

He walks closer to me confused about what I said.

"Can we ... sit, please?" I nervously ask. I don't trust my legs to carry me while saying what I'm about to say.

He nods and sits first cross-legged and I do the same on the cold sand with half a meter apart. I look at the sea and the angry waves not sure how to start this. Not sure why I'm telling him this. No one knows about it except Zach and the people who are involved, my family.

He doesn't look at me, we both look to the horizon, the sun threatening to leave and hide to let the moon take over. I feel relieved not being looked at by him because if he did I'll stammer with my words and maybe I'll chicken out and change up my mind.

"My family isn't pissed off because of law school, they could careless about that. They're pissed because I pressed charges against my grandfather."

I said it, I did the hardest part, confessing about my lie and substitute it with the truth. 

He still doesn't look at me and this encourages me more :"It all started when I was 5 years old, Grandpa used to call me alone, lock the door and ... did things to me" I feel sick by the memories but I swallow few times to keep the bile down, drinking coffee was a bad idea. I go on " He showered me with toys and gifts, he once bought me a $100,000 pony to keep my mouth shut. He kept telling the family that I was his favourite grandkid to justify the expensive things he bought for me. And they all fell for it.” I smile sadly at the memory and the new realisation that maybe they didn’t fall for it, they just weren’t brave enough to do anything about it.

"One time he was .. more aggressive than usual, I cried maybe I screamed a little but no one heard because we were alone in his huge empty suite" The images of his bed, his room, his naked saggy old body flashes in my head and I stop talking. If I manage to keep my bile down it'll be a miracle. I take few deep breathes to calm myself. Then I say :" Mrs.Ursu who used to be my nanny saw the blood stains in my underwear while helping me get ready for sleep."

I stop and I remember her gentle voice telling me that we don't keep secrets in this family, that she will believe whatever I have to say to her, and whoever did this to me isn't a friend that I need to protect and keep their secret. It took her a lot of persuading to make me talk and reveal the identity of the monster who did this to me. She didn't leave my side that night until I drifted into a deep sleep. 

"Two days later, my mom told me that Mrs.Ursu had a family emergency and left us, I was devastated because she told me multiple times that she had no family, that I was the son and family she never had. She was a Moldovan immigrant, she kept telling me her tragic life story and how she spent her childhood in orphanages until her adulthood when she immigrated to the US. She never got married because she dedicated her life to the kids she raised and worked with before me.”

I stop for a breathe because it’s too much to remember and put these memories into words. My eyes are burning with tears. I proceed with a shaky voice:  
“I thought she was a liar, I hated her for years because she promised to protect me and she broke her promise and left me alone to deal with it. But it turns out she was fired after threatening my mom of calling the child services about what was happening to me.”

I wipe my stained cheeks with tears, take a deep breath and say : "My grandpa stopped assaulting me after that, which was a good thing. I thought maybe he realized his fucked up mistake and regretted it but later on I found out that he moved his sick interest to Dylan, the guy you saw today."  
I pull my knees closer to my chest and I wrap my arms around my legs:   
"Once we were adults, we agreed to press charges, it's been almost 3 years and no progress in the case. My dad told me to drop the charges if I want to stay part of the family, apparently my grandpa threatened my parents and uncle to remove us all from his will if we don't drop them."  
I put my chin on my knees and watch the seagulls fly in circles: "Dylan couldn’t hold it together anymore so he gave up, which explain the fancy car, he dropped the charges and now he’s the favourite grandson. We had a better chance when we both were on the same side.”

"Son of bitch" Monty curses absentmindedly.

"I'm not sure how to feel about him, I mean maybe he had it harder than me, his rich friends cut ties with him the moment they knew about the case. He was all alone. But I had someone to support me, Zach.”

I don't want to look at Monty to see the change of expression in case brining Zach to the conversation upset him. I don't know why I feel the need to lay everything in front of him before this friendship hopefully gets deeper and deeper.

"There were times when I broke down in tears because of this court battle, Zach was always there and I owe him a lot, he was nothing but an immense support for me."

I look at him now and I see him nodding in understanding. I crack a smile and he returns it, suddenly I feel like we weren’t really crazy to come to the beach because right now a warmth washes over me by seeing his smile, I blush and look away because I might do something stupid if I look more at his hazel warm eyes. 

He clears his throat:" Have you tried contacting your nanny?! She knows the truth, maybe if you reach out for her ...."

I interrupt: "She's dead." my voice is a little shaky by mentioning her:" she died ten years ago in a homeless shelter. My mother confessed to me that after they fired her they bribed the agency she used to work for to let her go, she looked for other jobs but every time she found one they knew about it and bribed whoever hired her to end her contract." I hide my head between my knees and weep, I did all the crying when I found out about her death but bringing it back now makes me feel like it's a new bleeding wound.

I hear him shifting closer to me and wraps my shoulders with both arms. I stop crying for a moment affected -or more precisely shocked- by his touch and the warmth of his body, he’s like a human furnace, but I go back to crying even more when his right hand starts rubbing soothingly up and down my back.

He doesn’t speak a word and I say muffled by his chest:" It was my fault, she died sick and alone, she couldn’t afford her medicines, she was a sweet old lady. I killed her, if I just shut my fucking mouth and kept that secret ..."

He pulls me away grabbing my shoulders and interrupts me with a stern but gentle tone: " Hey don't say that! It wasn’t your fault, don't put it on you. If there's anyone to blame here it's your family, you were just a scared kid, maybe a brat but still a kid" the last part was meant as a joke to lighten up the mood, I laugh between my tears.

"Thanks, Monty." I sniff and wipe my tears.

He smiles and nods :" I know we barely know each other, but I can be your support system in this matter, or any matter in general."

He wants to be a good supportive person while I’m right here wanting him to fuck me so hard on the cold sand and help me forget all the bad memories from my childhood.

I feel like kissing him, I look at his lips while he's busy gazing at the sea. They look soft but do they feel soft?! How bad would it be to just clasp his chin with my thumb and pointer and rotate his head to my direction to kiss him gently then apologise and tell him my emotions are messed up and ...

"So, are you going to scream at the sea or what?" He asks and looks at me, luckily I was fast enough to avert my gaze and not let him catch me looking at his lips like the horny creepy person I am.

***********

After I screamed 'Fuck the Williams family' at the sea, I felt really good. Was it really the scream or the fact that the guy I’ve been crushing on just hugged me?! I don’t know and I don’t care. All I care about is that I’m sitting in the passenger seat of his car when he cared enough to drop me at my place and not let me call an Uber.

Monty stops the car in front of the building where I live without switching off the engine, why would he switch it off when he’s supposed to drop me and leave to do whatever he has to do with his life?! I have to remind myself that this isn’t a date, he won’t tell me how much he enjoyed my crying session and how we have to do it again then kiss me goodnight. 

“I can’t thank you enough for today.” I say filling the silence “And sorry for .. always dragging into my mess.” 

"Always a pleasure to know that I’m not the only one with the fucked up life.”

Dark humour, I like it. But there’s something behind it and I’m not going to look into it deeply at least for now, so I chuckle at his reply.

“So .. goodnight then.” I open the door and before I put my foot on the sidewalk I make up my mind, this evening can’t end like this.

I spin and look at him:” Actually, would you like to come up for a cup of coffee? I owe you for bringing back my phone, remember?”

Did I really have to bring up the phone incident? How desperate did I sound?

He laughs : “I thought you forgot about it.”

Good, he laughed, I say smiling: “I didn’t.”

Monty looks at the clock of his car still smiling while holding the steering wheel giving the impression that he’s in a hurry and can’t wait to get rid of me so he could take off. It was 8:15, he says apologetically: “ Maybe another time, I have to get back to my place, Diego is waiting to start our dinner preparation. “ 

Last time it was the rain and now Diego. I hope he’s not making these excuses to push me away.

I nod with obvious disappointment but he quickly says:  
“You know what .. I could really use a cup of coffee. “ he switches off his car and follows me into the building.

I’m slightly trembling when I insert my key in the keyhole, I hope he doesn’t notice, this feels like the end of a perfect date but it’s not. I have to remember that he isn’t interested in me that way. But then I think about how he drove me to the beach to listen to me venting about my life then he hugged me. He. Hugged. Me! And here he is making an exception instead of going back to his place and do what he’s good at, cooking. 

Once I open the door the apartment is pitch black. 

“Sorry” I turn on the hallway lights “My roommate Alex switches everything off when he goes to sleep."

Forgetting the fact that I’m out and would be back any time. 

He nods :” Saving the electricity.”

I wish he saved his asshole to Charlie like he’s saving the electricity now.

We silently head to the kitchen and I’m praying that Alex won’t wake up or leave his room to have one of his evening chit chat, but I should expect it after our last conversation about not letting what happened come between us.

I just don’t want him to meet Monty yet, I don’t want him telling everyone that I invited ‘my date’ when in fact he’s just a friend that hugged me. I should probably stop bringing on the hugging thing. But I won’t! until something more interesting happen between us. 

Monty sits on one of the two chairs while I put the kettle on the stove to boil the water. We should really get a water boiler. I try to busy myself with other tasks like rearranging our spices. It’s ridiculous to have them around when we don’t use the stove for anything but boiling water.

I look at my distorted reflection on the metal kettle. Fuck I look like shit. My hair is messy and my eyes are puffy, my efforts in dressing up to be presentable to him was gone with the wind. It’s a shame to be looking like this when Monty looks like ... a Greek God in my small old kitchen. 

“Erm .. excuse me for 2 minutes.” I need to freshen up, I need to check myself at a proper mirror just in case something happen between us, I want it to be perfect. I’m just being optimistic.

I head to the bathroom and open it expecting it to be unbusy but I find Alex standing by the sink, shirtless wearing his boxers only. Alex looks at me in shock which adds nervousness to my surprise, it took me 3 seconds to realise three things. First, he was crying, his face is wet with fresh tears. Second, he was holding a sharp razor blade in his right hand. Third, there was blood seeping from his left wrist.  
"Alex!" I exclaim and I storm toward him as I take it from his hand with careful force. He tries to struggle but he's too drained to resist me. He finally gives up and collapses on the bathroom floor hitting the tiles hard with his bony knees and starts to sob hysterically.

Monty comes quickly to check up on us after hearing my scream, he stands behind at the bathroom door and asks worriedly: “Is everything okay?!” 

I kneel in front of Alex, take a quick look at the cut, it isn't deep enough for a suicide attempt, it was self harm. And the sight of dripping blood flips my stomach a little, I take deep breath to concentrate on what’s important. I cup his head with both hands to see his face. He's a crying mess, his face is red mixed with tears and mucus from his runny nose, he doesn't seem to care that he’s crying with a stranger watching him.

"He hates my guts!" He sobs.

"Who?!" And I think I have an idea who is he talking about. 

"Zach! Zach hates me, he came after you left” he swallows ” he doesn't want anything to do with me, he's leaving! He’s moving away!" he tries to wipe his mucus with the back of his hand. 

I pretend to be calm but I'm shocked in the inside. I'm shocked at Zach's decision and Alex's reaction.

"Hey hey, it's okay!" I say while pulling him into a tight hug, I want him to calm down and I want to calm myself down too. 

Zach is moving away, leaving college, leaving us to start over somewhere else. Was ending the relationship that bad for him to run away?!

Monty who was still standing by the door pulls me from my thoughts:” Should we take him to the hospital?”

I look at him behind my shoulder:” It’s not very deep, I can dress his wound.”

I took first aid class last year and I’ve never thought I would be applying what I learned on Alex. 

I pull Alex away from my chest and say: "I need to take care of your cut, okay?" 

He nods shakily and I help him stand and seat him on the toilet lid. 

I retrieve the first aid box from the kitchen cabinet and start tending to his wound.

Monty who witnessed the whole thing excused himself to give us privacy.

I look at the cut and I can't ignore the fact that it isn't his first, his whole arm is striped with cuts, when did this happen? Judging by the scars they seem to be old, how did I miss this?! the long sleeves shirts weren't just his boring dressing style, they were to cover his scars. 

I feel awful, how did I not pay attention, he's my friend, my roommate. There must have been signs but I missed them because I was too busy with my semi perfect life.

"You should have told me." I say quietly while dapping the soaked cotton to his cut and I expect him to wince but he doesn't, he’s either used to the stinging sensation or he’s too lost in his thoughts to care about it. I proceed with the same low tone: "This is what friends are for. Whatever bothered you, still bothering you .. you should have told me, or told anyone else. We’re here for each other."

Did Charlie know?! They were dating, they slept together, he definitely saw him shirtless, why didn't he say or do anything about it?!

He sighs not knowing how to respond to that. I stop cleaning his cut and look him intensely in the eyes: "As much as I think Zach is great, he's not worth harming yourself! No one is worth harming yourself!"

He shifts uncomfortably, maybe this conversation isn't comfortable to him but we have to talk about it. He needs to understand that the way he treats Zach as a life necessity isn't right, He's clearly going through mental issues and I don't want him to act upon it anymore. 

He says monotonously :" I was hoping that Zach will save me from this .. dark place I'm stuck in ... like he did few years ago after Hannah’s death." he smiles with the saddest smile I've ever seen :" but he doesn't want anything to do with me, he's willing to leave everything that he's been building for the past 3 years and move to another place." He stops and a new stream of tears flood:" He can't leave okay? He just can't! I need him, I need him, I fucking need him." and he's raising his voice, he's back to the hysterical cry, I hug him tightly now and he buries his head in the crook of my neck. 

After dressing his wound, I helped him get into bed. It took him few hours to completely calm down. At some point around 9:30 PM, I heard the click sound of our apartment door being closed gently. It was Monty leaving. Funny how a cup coffee that shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes took him more than an hour. I hope Diego doesn’t bother him about coming late.

At 12:30 I left Alex, who was still awake just staring at ceiling , to grab a glass of water and a pain killer for my headache. 

I go to the kitchen and the lights were off, I smile tiredly, saving the electricity.

I fill my glass with tap water and drink it while leaning against the sink. And before I chug it with one gulp something catches my attention. The white board hanged on the refrigerator, which Alex and I use to write down notes to each other. An unfamiliar hand writing says:

_'I helped myself to a cup of coffee but it doesn’t count, you still owe me :) - M'_

***********

  
“What’s the matter with you?!” I ask Zach with an angry hushed voice.

It’s 6 AM, we’re standing in the hall after I let him in, I called Zach first thing in the morning, luckily he was awake putting the last touches in his assignment. He came in no time even after I told him that Alex was fine.

“Is he okay? Does he need the hospital?” he looks behind me at Alex’s bedroom closed door with a worried look.

I wrap my arms around me warming my body, it’s cold at this time of the day:” I took care of it, it wasn’t deep, but God Zach! What were you thinking?! Moving away because of him?!”

“I was angry, I didn’t think straight after our talk, I thought .. I thought it’s better to stay away from him. From you..."

As much as I’m hurt by the last part of his sentence, I try to ignore it and not make it about me: “You can’t do it like that! I told you he loves you and that’s the first thing you say to him?!”

“I need to see him." he pushes me gently but I grab his arm.

“He’s tired, he finally managed to sleep 2 hours ago, don’t wake him up."

Zach walks away and sits on the couch with a sigh then throws his head back in exhaustion. 

I sit in the armchair waiting for Alex to wake up, I yawn 3 times a minute. I barely slept 2 hours myself, I had to stay awake for him until he falls asleep, I couldn’t risk leaving him alone. I slept on the floor beside him, it was torture and I’m paying the price now because my back is killing me. After 5 minutes of awkward silence I say: “ Did you.. did you know ... he self harm??”

Zach straightens his head abruptly to look at me :” What?!”

“Keep your voice down!” I stand and sit beside him in the couch to make him lower his voice: “I found like 10 scars."

He shakes his head in shock and says: “I didn’t know that, does Charlie know?”

I shrug.

He shifts closer and says with a low threatening tone: “If he fucking knew and hid it I swear to God I’m gonna smash his head!”

I’ve never seen Zach act or say something aggressive, he always talk things out, hear all the sides of the story and wisely assess the situation. He feels as guilty as I am for not paying enough attention to Alex. 

He demands: “Call him, ask him to come right now!"

“I called him, he didn’t pick up."

Zach stands up, I do the same :” Where are you going?”

“I’ll break his door if I had to have this talk with him!”

I grab Zach arm to stop him from storming out: “Calm down! It’s 6 in the morning! He’s probably asleep.”

Zach relaxes and goes back to sit on the couch. 

_Ding_

I go to my phone:

' _How’s your friend now?'_

it was Monty.

“Is that him?” Zach asks.

“No... it’s Jonathan “ I don’t know why I was lying, we’re over, this isn’t cheating. I have the right to crush, date, and fall in love with someone else. 

I type: ” _still asleep but he’ll be fine._ "

My phone rings as soon as I tap the ‘send' message, it was Charlie, I pick up immediately:” Charlie.. "

Zach stands up and snatch my phone :” Did you know?”

And I hear Charlie’s voice over the phone :” What?”

“Did you know that Alex self harms?”

“What? What are you talking about?”

I snatch back my phone and walk away from Zach :” Charlie, come to my place now."

“Okay but what’s going on? Is Alex okay?”

“He’s fine, just come as soon as you can."

And I hang up.

It took Charlie 15 minutes to get here, Once Charlie knocks on the door, Zach stands and I’m sure he was going to do what he wanted to do, smash Charlie’s head. I stopped him and asked him to calm down and leave it to me. I opened the door and Charlie barges in.

“Winston, what the hell is going on?” He says while walking inside, he looks like he just got out of bed and just wore his jacket. I’m not even sure he washed his face.

I seat him and explain everything to him, he looks shocked and lost. He stutters: “I .. I didn’t know .. that."

Zach who was standing impatiently by the window looking at the unflattering view of the street, spins around and spat:” Cut the crap, Charlie! You two been fucking for 2 years and you haven’t noticed the scars?! Are you blind?!”

“Maybe I am! But you fucked him once too, didn’t you see anything?!” Charlie claps back with raised voice.

"Guys! guys!" I try to calm them.

Zach doesn’t reply because he has nothing to say. He looks away in embarrassment and nervousness. It was unlikely for Charlie to bring up the cheating thing but Zach did push the wrong button at the wrong time.

  
This isn’t the time to turn against each other and throw the blame around, we are all somehow guilty.

After few minutes of tensed silence. I ask: “Charlie, you really didn’t know about it?”

I find it hard to believe that.

Charlie blushes and looks everywhere but us, he wants to say something but he’s hesitant. 

“Charlie?” I try to encourage him to speak up, to confess or justify hiding it.

He clears his throat and says in a low voice :” He never took off his shirt, he told me he was self conscious about his body and.... I believed him.”

Zach scoffs and looks back through the window.

Charlie asks: “Is he going to be fine? Should we call his parents and tell them about it?”

And before I tell him how bad of an idea that is, we hear the squeak of Alex’s bed behind his closed door, he probably woken up by their loud voices.

Zach heads for Alex’s room and Charlie stands up to follow but I grab his hand and stop him, he looks at me questioning my action. I say quietly:” let Zach deal with him.”

Charlie snaps:” So what now? He fucked him once and he’s closer to him than me! I’m his friend too and his fucking ex!”

I’ve never seen Charlie this frustrated and angry before, but I understand where the frustration comes from, it’s not about Zach going in there before him, it’s about how clueless he was about his boyfriend’s mental health. Alex seems to be covering it really well for us all to be oblivious about it. We knew he was struggling with depression from time to time but the pills and therapy sessions always did the magic and worked out for him. 

“Charlie please, trust me on this.“

He sits huffing. This isn’t the right time to tell him that Alex loves Zach since they were together, but at some point I have to bring it up to explain why Zach is needed more than him in Alex’s room.

After 45 minutes of listening to the low muffled voices of Zach and Alex where Zach did most of the talking, Charlie stands up:” I need coffee. “  
And casually he heads to my kitchen, disappears for 10 minutes then comes back with his hot cup of coffee.

"Who is M?”


	10. Chapter 10

* * *

“Who is M?” Charlie asks standing by the armchair then calmly sips from the cup while looking straight at me with a cold stare. Why is he acting like a serial killer?!

My heart beats so fast and I feel nauseous, is it because I’m nervous by the way he looks at me waiting for an answer or the fact that I’m extremely exhausted after last night? I barely managed to sleep 1 hour, I had to wait for Alex to sleep because I couldn’t trust him alone after what happened.

"It’s no one.” I shrug him off.

He sits in the armchair crossing his legs: “Clearly it’s someone since they’re so comfortable to make their own coffee in your kitchen.”

“He’s just .. a friend.” And I wish if I was lying, I wish he wasn’t a friend who comes to my rescue every time I need him, I wish he was someone more.

"What’s _his_ name?” he sips again and I know that he won’t drop it until I break loose and tell him everything about ‘M'.

I sigh and cover my face with both hands to hide my blushed cheeks: “Do you think it’s appropriate to have this conversation when Alex is struggling just few meters away?”

”Why wouldn’t it be appropriate? Unless ...” I remove my hands to see him squinting his eyes: “ he’s more than a friend!”

I roll my eyes, stand up and head to my room but he follows. I go to my closet to pick the clothes I’m wearing for work while Charlie sits on my bed.

"Charlie .. I need to get ready for work.” I say while grabbing two shirts trying to decide which one to wear today.

He’s like a 5-year-old kid who happens to see you eating a cookie and now he wants you to share that cookie. Monty is the cookie.

"Alright, tell me about this M while you get ready.”

I ignore him and busy myself rummaging in my socks drawer.

“First, is it Mark? Martin? Michael? Mathew? Or ...”

He’s willing to list all the male names that start with the letter M, how annoyingly curious could he get?!

I interrupt him while spinning around to meet his face: "Don’t you have morning classes to go to?”

" I’m skipping, I’ll stay with Alex.” He stops talking for few moments and his expression change to sadness then says in a worried tone distracted from his interrogation: “Do you think he’ll be fine? I mean, mentally?”

I stop looking for my other sock and sigh :” I don’t know, Charlie. I mean I hope so. Maybe we should try to get closer to him, make him more comfortable so he could come to us whenever something seriously bothers him.“

His tone changes quickly to something like anger :”How close do you want me to get?! I was his boyfriend, I was talking to him almost 24 hours and I didn’t even know about it.” 

  
Oh Charlie you didn’t know about a lot of things.

  
He puts his cup on the bed to bury his face in his hands and I have a mini heart attack by the sight of the cup sitting on my bed without a tray.

"I can’t believe how .. idiot I was to completely be clueless about it.” 

I sit by him on my bed to be beside him and to save my bed from the upcoming disaster :” Don’t beat yourself up, we all are idiots for not noticing it.”

He scoffs: “Thanks, that’s sweet but I was expected to be more .. observant.”

I put my hand on his shoulder as a way of support not sure how to respond to the last thing he said.

"So back to you...” he looks at me and he’s back to curious Charlie.

I groan realising that he won’t drop it until he feeds his curiosity. Maybe if I tell him his name he would back off.

"Montgomery, his name is Montgomery or as he likes to be called Monty. Can you get out now so I can get dressed ?!”

  
He closes his eyes to give me some privacy and proceeds the interrogation: “Where did you meet this Monty? And did he spend the night?” 

  
Of course I was wrong for thinking he would back off.

  
Charlie's eyes snap opened :” Wait, did you two sleep together? “

"Charlie!” I shout at him for opening his eyes while I was shirtless.

"Shit sorry!” he closes his eyes again.

"No, to answer your question, he didn’t spend the night nor sleep with me.”

"Ooh moving slowly I like that, very wise of you.”

Maybe I should shock him and tell him who Monty really is. Worst thing could happen is him lecturing me for 2 hours. Knowing Charlie he won’t leave until I tell him everything he wants to know.

"We’re not ‘moving slowly’, erm .. remember the straight guy I told you about?” I say while taking off my pants but still wearing my boxers.

His eyes snaps opened again with shock. I say: "So much for keeping your eyes closed!”

“Shit Winston!” he looks at me with surprised expression: “You asked him for a date and he said yes then he came to your place too? Doesn’t seem straight after all" He’s grinning now :” tell me what happened? Did you at least kiss?”

“It wasn’t a date, I pumped into him while walking Poppet, he was in the area so I invited him in.” I lied, I’m the biggest liar.

Actually, half of what I said is true. He was in the area because he was dropping me off at my place.

And before Charlie gets to pry more into my life, we hear the sound of Alex’s door opening then gently closing. Probably Zach was done talking to him. I quickly put back my sweat pants and t-shirt. I try to follow him but he has already left the apartment. I descend the stairs quickly almost running: “Hey Zach! Wait up!”

Zach stops at the end of the stairs while I’m still in the middle. He looks back at me and he seems more tired than yesterday when I ran into him before meeting Dylan.

I try to catch my breath and I start:" Were you serious ... about moving away?” 

I didn't get the chance to ask him this question before Alex woke up. We were tensed and ....

He sighs :” Does it matter to you?”

His question caught me off guard.

I go down 2 steps more: “Of course it does! We’re friends, Zach. It pains me to see you going away. As selfish as it may sound, I want you here! ”

I make sure not to use the word ‘need', I don’t want to put extra pressure on him.

He shakes his head with a smile he managed to pull with obvious difficulty:” You’re lucky then, I’ll be stuck here for God knows how many years or decades.”

Stuck? I’m hurt by his choice of words. But this isn’t about me and my feelings. I won’t point it out.

"Is everything okay between you and Alex?”

He clears his throat :” It has to be, right?! Or he might do something .. stupid.” He stops then trails off: ” We talked.”

“And?” I ask.

“Turns out he’s been struggling with serious depression for what it seems forever. The pills don’t work for him anymore so he agreed on seeing another therapist.” He stops to take a breath “it’s like.. we’re back to point zero, we’re back to high school after Hannah’s death but this time I’m part of the problem.”

I step down one more step :” Hey, we all are part of the problem."

He clicks his tongue and sits on the step where he stood, resting his elbows on his knees, then he starts shaking his right leg nervously:” No we aren’t, it was _me_ who messed up with his emotions , it was _me_ who didn’t pay close attention to him, it was _me_ who finally broke him.”

“You didn’t break him, he was broken from the start.”

I don’t know Alex like the rest of the group do, we didn’t go to high school together. But I didn’t need to know him for years to notice how broken he was. living with him has shown me sides of him that I wouldn’t see as a friend. He was dark, he would say the darkest and most depressing things in a sarcastic way. They called it dark humour but I guess it was somehow a cry for help. 

“I want to believe in what you said, I really do but I can’t, what happened to him will haunt me for the rest of my life. Those scars in his arm are constant reminder of my failure as a friend. “

Zach was clearly overwhelmed with everyone’s dramas, mine, his, and Alex’s. I don’t know how to comfort him. He was exhausted is so many aspects. Physically, emotionally, mentally. But I can’t help him with any except one ...

I gently place my hand on his shoulder: “Would you like to sleep? “ he seems very tired I quickly add :” you can sleep in my bed if it’ll ease your mind knowing that Alex is not very far from you.” 

He used to tell me that he sleeps better and much deeper in my bed, maybe because it wasn’t his room at the dorm where Patrick walks in and out like hundred of times in one hour, or when the other students in the dormitory decide to play human bowling in the hallway at the most inconvenient times.

“What about you?” He looks at me confused.

“I’m leaving for work in 15 minutes. “

“Shit, I forgot it’s Monday.” He runs his hand through his smooth hair.

We stay silent for few minutes but it wasn’t awkward. We were so comfortable with each other that 5 minutes or hours of silence weren’t awkward at all.

He breaks the silence: “You better get ready for work or Jonathan will lose his shit.”

Fuck Jonathan! I want to sit on these steps with you until I make sure that you’re okay just like you did thousands times with me.

He stands up brushing his pants from any dust or dirt :” And I should probably leave too, I almost forgot that I have a class in 30 minutes. “

I nod and stand up too to watch him leave the building. 

That day wasn’t like any other day. While we were going about our day like we usually do, our minds were roaming somewhere else, to the friend who suffers in silence. 

**********

  
One month has passed, things seem to be settling down, no drama. Alex is much calmer and maybe happier, Zach has been spending more time in our place, he gets back from his classes and spends the rest of the day at our place to study and do his assignments until it’s time for him to sleep, sometimes he crashes on our couch and other times he returns back to his dorm. I bet Alex regrets buying a small bed that barely fit him alone, he told me once that he purposely did that so he won’t have any guy sleeping in his bed. 

I thought having Zach around would be awkward to me but it isn’t. It’s just awkward to them when Alex tries to be affectionate with him like resting his head on Zach’s shoulder, or brush his hand , clearly Zach isn’t ready to start anything romantic, or maybe he acts this way because I’m around them.

Monty and I text each other regularly about our days. Sometimes I don’t find it enough so I stop by the cafe where he works to see him and I pretend that I was around the area running errands for Jonathan.

I'm getting attached and it freaks me out because he doesn't seem interested in anything but friendship. I tried to drop the question about his dating life but I chicken out each time I try to. You know how some straight guys think that gay guys lust after every guy, well, we don’t and I don’t want to give him that impression even if I’m actually lusting after him.

One evening, we had a late photoshoot, it was very rare for Jonathan to schedule someone’s photoshoot at evening, we wrapped it up at 6 PM and it took me 2 hours to tidy up the place and another hour to run an errands for him.

  
It was 9 PM when I finished the last task, I walked around the block where Monty works to clear my mind. I was contemplating whether to pay him a visit or not, I’ve been doing that lately and I think it starts to bring up some suspicions. But he always looks glad when he sees me, he doesn’t seem bothered or uncomfortable, or maybe he does but I’m too head over heels for him to notice. I hate that. Crushes/love make people annoying sometimes. 

I push the glass door and the familiar bell jingles. I’ve always found this bell to be unnecessary, the moment it rings few people raise up their heads to see who’s coming in to check if I was the person whom they wait for. But I’m a walking disappointment so they duck their heads and get back to whatever they were doing after they realize I’m no one but the guy who comes for the hot barista.

This time the cafe was dim, it was 9:25 PM, a quick scan of the place and I find only 2 tables occupied. One by a student who’s very invested in his books and the laptop he works on, and the other by a couple who seem to be on a date. I’m not a hopeless romantic guy, and I’m not assuming anything It’s the body language that gave it away.

I head for the counter to order a coffee even when I just had one an hour ago while waiting for Jonathan’s suit to be dry cleaned, but I need to order something because apparently ‘Hey Monty, I just wanted to see your pretty face to recharge my miserable life’ isn’t a valid excuse.

“Hey.” He says with a charming smile before I get to stand in the usual spot.

I smile back :” Hey.”

"Long day, ha?” he scrubs what it seems a stubborn old circle stain , this is why you need coasters.

“You have no idea.” I shake my head. 

“ I would have offered you a glass of whisky to help you relax but we don’t sell alcoholic beverages.” He jokes.

I don’t stop smiling: “ I’m sure a cup of iced cinnamon latté would be fine"

He leans forward resting both arms on the counter and I wish he would just kiss me, a light kiss no need for tongue wrestling and lip biting but he says: "Aren't you sick by ordering the same drink over and over again?"

I grin: "Recommend me a good drink then." 

He smiles at me while straightening up, clearly accepting the challenge: “ Okay, I’ll be right back."

I go to sit on a table near by the window. I take out my phone to scroll through it because if I don’t I’ll probably end up watching Monty like a creep while he prepares the mysterious drink.

A sound of a chair screeching followed by the sound of someone’s heels hitting the hard floor fills the quiet place. It stops and I feel someone hovering above me, I look up at them.

  
It was the student.

  
"I thought I heard your voice.” He says smiling at me.  
He looks very familiar but I can’t remember where I had seen his face. Not that I have an active social life, he’s probably one of the models that we shoot in the past. With that sharp jaw he’s definitely one of the models who Jonathan shot. 

“It’s Ryan, Ryan Shaver.” He points at himself and I’m supposed to know him immediately but I don’t and my face probably looked clueless so he provides more clues:” Zach’s friend, we met like .. a year ago.”

Ryan Shaver, I remember him now. He’s one of Zach’s colleagues, he isn’t his friend based on what Zach had told me, but clearly Ryan thinks otherwise. We .. or he pumped into us while we were on a date at some diner. Of course Zach introduced me as his friend because his sexuality was a secret to his college colleagues and asked him to join us to brush off the suspicions. 

"Oh Ryan! Yeah sure, I remember you.”

He extends his hand and I shake it. He doesn’t seem like he wants to let go because that handshake took more time than it should.

And it takes me back to the time when he interrupted our date ..

****Flashback****

“So Winston, there’s this party on my friend’s yacht after the pride parade on Saturday, supposed to be fun, are you in?” and he laughs with that annoying laughter of his :“no pun intended!”

Ryan who was sitting across of me beside Zach asked me while leaning forward with his arms crossed on the table. I couldn’t help but make a mental note of his unetiquette behaviour, if I put my arms on the table while dining with my parents they would have probably cut them off.

I look at Zach who seems very uncomfortable by Ryan’s presence then I smile apologetically:” I’m kind of busy this weekend, I won’t be able to march with you guys, a lot of work to do for my boss.” I lie, this weekend Zach and I planned it out together but I can’t tell Ryan anything about it because we’re not boyfriends ‘we’re just friends.’.

“Maybe Zach would love to come.” I add knowing exactly that Zach would be with me, in my bed at that time.

“Pfft, this nerd right here?” he rolls his eyes then points at Zach with his thumb “He’s spending the whole weekend doing assignments, I told him to pay someone to do them for him but he insists on doing them by himself.”

“Come on Zach, you’re missing out the college experience. “ I say while looking at Zach and I barely could supress my smile.

Zach shifts in his seat: “Believe it or not, I’m in college to learn not to party on yachts.”

“Such a nerd!” I provoke him, he throws a French fries at me but I dodge it with my hand.

After we left the diner, Ryan went his way and we went ours.

" He was too flirty with you.” Zach says while we were walking home.

I grin and pump my shoulder to his teasingly :” Someone is jealous.” 

He rolls his eyes playfully :” Of course I am, no denying. I hit the jackpot by dating you.”

I blush: “Don’t worry, Brad Pitt could be too flirty with me and I won’t even give him a double look.”

“Brad Pitt? Really? What are you a 40 something gay man?”

"It’s just a metaphor” I stop then I look around to check in case Ryan was following us because he could be this creepy, then I say with a low but audible voice: “I find you the hottest guy to ever walk on this earth.”

He chuckles and a beautiful blush colors his cheeks.

He cups my face to kiss me right there on the sidewalk without giving a damn about who might see us. When he pulls away he says while still circling me with his arms: “By the way, he asked for your number when you were in the bathroom"

“He did? Did you give it to him”

“Hell no! I gave him the wrong number. Switched the 7 with 4" he winks and I laugh “also I told him that you only date old rich men.”

I swat his shoulder laughing.

****End of flashback****

I shake my head trying to stop the memories from flooding in and I zone in to Ryan looking back at his table where his laptop is still on and says :” I come here to work on my assignments, this place is quieter than a public library.”

I was so tempted to make a remark about paying someone to do his assignments. But I don’t. I don’t want this conversation to be too friendly especially that Monty is few meters away probably listening to whatever we say. I don’t want to give him the wrong impression that I’m interested in Ryan.

I nod in agreement on what he said about the place. It is quieter and more peaceful especially at this time.

"What about you?” he asks casually but I feel the heat on my cheeks.

I’m because of that hot barista.

“The coffee .. it’s delicious.”

Shit! I feel stupid! The coffee here is nothing special but Monty's presence makes it so.

He doesn’t comment on my stupid answer and I’m grateful, instead he sits across from me without permission and goes on talking about how hard and time consuming college is and how he has no time to enjoy his other activities like writing poems. Blah blah blah.

Monty comes in few minutes, with his mysterious drink, he places it on the table and says with a fake smile looking between us : “Excuse me, there’s a call for Mr.Shaver?”

Ryan stands up proudly feeling important: “That’s me. Excuse me.”

Monty takes him to the manager office then gets back quickly giggling: “Quick! Hide!”

I’m lost for a moment and I don’t move an inch so Monty pulls my hand, drags me behind the counter and pushes my head downward. 

“What’s going on?” I ask with a hushed voice.

“I lied, no one called. I just want him gone.”

“Are you serious?” I can’t believe how childish Monty could be, he’s just like me: “So what’s the plan when gets back?”

“I’ll tell him that you left.”

“I like that, better tell him that an older man on a huge motorbike came to pick me up.”

He looks down at me curiously: “Bikers? is that your type?”

“What? No ... I.." and before I get to explain myself the door of the office opens and Monty shushes me, grabs a tea towel and starts wiping the counter pretending to be busy.

“No one on the line.” Ryan says with a hint of whining .

“That’s weird.” Monty says innocently.

“Where’s the guy I was sitting with?”

“Oh he left, a man on a motorbike picked him up.”

Monty lied so naturally which made it funnier. I put my hand over my mouth to hide the sound of giggles.

“Oh" Ryan sounded disappointed. I hear him walking then Monty stops him: “I’m sorry sir we’re closing up.”

“Now? I thought you close at 10."

I look at my watch, it was 9:45. 15 minutes left.

“Manager’s orders” he shrugs.

It takes Ryan 3 minutes to collect his stuff and leave. Monty locks the door behind him and lower the blinds.

Suddenly my heart skips a beat by the sound of the lock. We’re alone, We’re completely alone. We could do anything we want and no one can interrupt us. 

“Coast is clear" Monty says smacking the counter that I was hiding underneath.

I stand up feeling nervous more than ever. But I grin :“What was that about?”

“He was annoying, and your discomfort was clear so you’re welcome. “

Was he watching me? Did he read me? Is this normal or does it mean something? I don’t want to get my hopes up.

I walk toward him: “Thank you, Monty"

“You owe me."

I roll my eyes, I’m afraid I’ll be owing him for breathing the same air he breathes. Which is fine. I want to pay him back in so many different ways.

Monty sits on the same table I was sitting on. And pushes the cup of the mysterious drink across from him toward the other chair. I walk to the table and take his gesture as an invitation to join him.

I sit down slowly and pick up the cup.

The smell of hot chocolate hits my nostrils and it’s unmistakable :" Is your recommended drink .. a hot chocolate? " 

  
He smirks:" Not any hot chocolate, this one is made by the mighty De la Cruz’s hands" 

And the sound of our laughter fills the quiet place. I love how simple this is. Me and him alone in a quiet dim place, while drinking hot chocolate. 

I sip while looking at him and he was returning the look waiting for my feedback. I place it down smiling and say:" You're right, it tastes different. "

It tastes like love and kindness. I hate how I’m emotionally invested in him and don’t have the courage to say anything. I hate how I might be losing a lot of golden opportunities while being a coward. What if he was waiting for me to make a move? Maybe he thinks I haven’t gotten over Zach yet. But I did. I swear I did!

He pushes himself off the chair and walks away, I thought that’s his way to tell me to get out. But he goes to the jukebox in the far corner and fetches a coin from his pocket. He inserts the coin and picks a song. Few moments later the place isn’t quiet anymore.

A classical song starts to play. 

_Put your head on my shoulder._

He comes back and sits down again.

_Hold me in your arms, baby._

“I thought that jukebox was for decoration only.” I say.

_Squeeze me oh so tight._

“I thought the same until less than a minute ago “

_Show me that you love me too._

“You were ready to sacrifice a coin to try it on?”

“Yes, and you ...”

And before he gets to finish I interrupt him:” I owe you, okay. I get it.”

He laughs hard and that’s the first time I see him laughing like that. I made him laugh. In dating world they tell you that if someone laughs at your joke he most probably likes you.

“My mom used to sing this song in the kitchen while cooking our dinner. She would sway gracefully with a smile on her face as if she was the happiest person alive.” Monty says with a simple smile mixed with sadness, or was it nostalgia?

We miss the simpler times, the times we were innocent kids with nothing to worry about but our next dessert.

Judging by the look that Monty gives the table, I feel obliged to ask: “ Is she ... still with us?”

I hate this question, but there’s no other way to ask someone whether their loved ones are dead or alive. I hope it doesn’t trigger anything.

He nods quickly and the sad look disappeared immediately:” Yeah yeah, she’s alive. It’s just that .. I miss her.”

And that’s the most vulnerability of Monty I’ve ever witnessed. 

“Maybe you should visit her.” I suggest.

He nods absentmindedly agreeing: “Maybe I should.”

I don’t start another conversation, neither does he. I was very curious about his childhood but we kept silent allowing the song to take over the place. Once it finished he cleared his throat and fidgeted with his fingers under the table while looking downward and casually asks:” Any plans this weekend?" 

Is he asking me out for a date? Or is he just making small talk? Either way, I’ll answer honestly: “Nothing special. I’ll be home, watching some boring TV shows.”

“Alright then, Friday night, drop by here at 10 PM.”

“What for?” I would probably do it even if he didn’t ask me to. 

He rolls his eyes :” Do you want to spend your Friday on your couch watching your boring TV shows?”

“No?” 

“Then do as I told you.”


	11. Chapter 11

It was Wednesday when Monty ‘asked me out’?. I’m still confused about what to call it, should I consider it a date? I haven’t been in a lot of dates before. As I said, I didn’t have dating life as a high school student, they were only hook-ups. Zach was my first official boyfriend and I can’t remember how we clicked, we kind of fell for each other, had sex, and went from there. So I haven’t experienced the dating scene. 

On Thursday, Charlie was helping me choose an outfit for ‘the date' -as he insists on calling- via a video call. I decided to wear a white jeans with a mustered yellow sweater. Charlie found the sweater ugly but I disagree. This color goes really well with my dark hair. 

On Friday, at 2 PM I was in the kitchen waiting for my frozen pizza to be baked in the microwave when I heard a text notification.

_Ding_

**Monty** : ‘ _hey! Just making sure that you’re still up for our meeting :)_ ‘ 

Meeting? So that what he calls it, a meeting! It’s not a date. Charlie needs to chill a little bit. _I_ need to chill a little bit.

I reply: ‘ _Hey Monty. I haven’t forgotten about it_.'

In fact I was so excited but you killed my sparkle with your text. 

‘ _Cool. Two more things..._ ’

I wait nervously for him, he was typing then stopping, then typing again and stopping. Why is he doing that? As if he isn’t a tease already.

I wait impatiently for 5 minutes, he’s still online but he stopped typing. So I encourage him: 

‘ _Which are ....?_ ’

He replies after 2 minutes 

‘ _sorry, annoying customer :|_ ’

‘ _so yeah two things. Come with an empty stomach and wear something warm cuz it gets REALLY FUCKING cold to where we’re going_ ’

Wait a minute! I thought we’ll be having our ‘ meeting' in the cafe like we did last time after he kicked Ryan out. He’s taking me somewhere else! Okay, calm down, Winston. This isn’t a date.

‘ _HOLLY SHIT! IT’S A DATE!_ ’ Charlie texted me back after I sent him a screenshot of my conversation with Monty.

‘ _Is it?! He called it a meeting!_ ’

 **Charlie** : ‘ _He could call it a religious gathering but it won’t change the fact that it’s a date!!_ ’

 _‘I don’t know Charlie, he’s so confusing_ ’

 **Charlie** : ‘ _Okay, I know how to solve this_ '

In few seconds I found myself added to a new group chat.

**** Charlie added you to a group chat “The 3 Musketeers and Winston" ****

**Justin** : STOP ADDING ME TO GROUPS, MY PHONE WILL EXPLODE!!!! 😭

 **Charlie** : shush Justin, it’s temporary.

 **Clay** : hey guys.

 **Winston** : hello Clay. :)

 **Clay** : long time no see, how have you been?

 **Charlie** : let’s cut to the chase shall we? 

**Clay** : okaaay

 **Charlie** : Winston knows this guy who is so confusing .. like sexual orientation confusing.

 **Justin** : awww what happened to your gaydar, Winnie? Did Zachy fucked it up for you? :((((

 **Winston** : shut up Justin.

 **Clay** : yeah shut up.

 **Charlie** : ditto

 **Charlie** : so he told Winston that he would like to take him today to a SECRET PLACE + asked him to come with an EMPTY STOMACH + wear something warm. Would you guys consider this a date? Or a friendly hangout?

 **Justin** : DUH! Of course it’s a date.

 **Clay** : could be just a hangout. If it’s a date he would have been more direct about it don’t you think? Like saying: hey Winston I’m taking you out on a date blah blah.

 **Charlie** : shut up, Clay. 

**Justin** : really clay? No wonder why you’re still single! 

**Clay** : :/

 **Winston** : Clay actually has a point!

 **Justin** : No he doesn’t !Winston, let me make this simpler to you. Clay and I are straight, do we ask you out to mysterious places?

 **Winston** : maybe you should.

 **Justin** : or maybe I shouldn’t because you’re not my type.

 **Winston** : what’s your type?

 **Justin** : 🐈 is my type

 **Charlie** : wtf? Ew!

 **Clay** : fuck Justin!

 **Justin** : what? Whaaaat?

 **Winston** : I knew something was off about you the first day I met you.  
  
**Justin** : fucking idiots! 🐈 as in pussy = GIRLS.

 **Charlie** : Oh!

 **Justin** : yeah oh!

 **Charlie** : alrighty so back to Winston, let’s vote. Is it a date?

 **Justin** : yes.

 **Clay** : not necessarily. 

**Charlie** : It’s a yes for me so 2 yes out of 3.

 **Justin** : it’s final, now go get your asshole bleached, that thing about coming with an empty stomach doesn’t seem innocent AT ALL!! shit about to get real if you know what I mean. 👉🏼👌🏼

**** Charlie removed Justin from the chat group ****

**Clay** : Finally.

 **Winston** : it took you too long to do that.

*************

I took a shower and spent more than 30 minutes doing my hair. Of course I had a fashion crisis, I suddenly don’t find my mustard yellow sweater appealing, maybe looking at it hanged out by the window for a whole day made me hate it. I decided to wear all black. Black skinny jeans, black shirt, and a black coat. I look like a member of the Mafia but it’s still better than the yellow sweater.

I got dressed and headed to the cafe as we agreed. I found it dimmed with the sign “closed’ hanged on the door knob. 

I look closely and I find Monty with his back to me sitting above the counter dangling his legs scrolling through his phone. I gently knock the glass door not to startle him. He looks back at me with a smile then motion to me to get inside. I open the door and close it behind me.

“Hey.” I start. 

Monty looks me up and down with raised eyebrows :” Who died?”

He’s referring to my outfit. I knew wearing all black was a bad idea. I miss my yellow sweater.

I recover quickly from his comment :” The lumberjack whom you stole his clothes.”

He’s wearing a red and black flannel jacket with blue jeans. He looks hot as fire but I’m not going to point it out.

He burst out laughing and hardly manages to get down from the counter and heads my direction. I didn’t expect my joke to be hilarious.

“Nice comeback, Winnie!” and he raises his hand for a high five.

I feel paralyzed as if this is the first time he will be making physical contact with me. I give him a high five and the feeling of his warm palm sends me to far far places. Is he aware of the things he does to me?

“Let’s go.” He opens the door and waits for me to get out first, this started to feel like a date. Charlie and Justin better be right about this.

We get in his jeep and he drove off. The road didn’t seem familiar but I didn’t ask him about our destination. I don’t want to ruin the surprise. We talked about our days, he told me that Ryan came to the cafe yesterday and asked about me. Of course Monty pretended that he knows nothing about a guy with curly dark hair. Bottom line, Ryan can’t take a hint.

The road feels a little bumpy now , we are heading for a much higher area, a mountain cliff outside the city.

It is dark, completely dark. We stop and the fact that he switched off the engine with the car's lights didn’t help much with lightning our surrounding.

Suddenly, I remember every horror/thriller movie I had watched with Zach. Some of them started or ended in places like this. 

To be honest, I don’t know Monty that much, sure we text and talk in the cafe but that’s all. And .....

“Are we staying in the car till morning?” he asks jokingly. 

“It’s ... so dark.”

“It’s not that dark, the moon is full tonight. Are you scared of the dark now, Winnie?” he teases me.

Did he forget that I slept in complete darkness beside him few months ago?! Ah that night.

“I’m not scared.” I chuckle while I open my door and get off to prove my point. 

"What is this place?” I ask while closing the car door, turning on my phone flash to see where my feet stomp.

Monty who got off of the car and was busy taking out some stuff from the trunk of his car, says: “ Looks great, doesn’t it? You could see the whole city from up here.”

I stand 2 meters away from the edge because I have acrophobia. 

I’ve never realised how big and crowded with buildings our city is. 

"Where do you think my place is?” I ask not expecting him to have a definite answer but I hear the sound of his shoes on gravel getting closer to me. He stands beside me: “Let’s see" he looks through a binocular "I think .. I think it’s over that area, you can’t see your building because it’s small compared to the others, but it’s right there.” He points with his finger then hands me the binocular.

I can’t ignore the brush of his finger when he hands it to me. 

I take it with a smile that I could barely suppress. 

"What are you smiling about?” he asks smiling too.

"Why do have a binocular?" I look through it to the area that Monty pointed at.

" I use it to watch this hot girl who lives in the opposite building . Watching her getting dressed is the best part of my day.”

I lower the binocular and watch him casually walking to his car, takes out a blanket then spread it out on the hood of his car.

He looks back at me when I didn’t laugh or comment on what he said to find me staring at him.

"I was joking!” He says quickly “ I borrowed it from Diego, he uses it for hiking.”

“Oh!”

He shakes his head in disappointment: “You really need to work on your naive side.”

Naive .. it’s a sugar-coated term for stupid.

“It’s cute though.” He goes back to what he was doing.

He finds me cute. God, he needs to stop!

We sit on the hood of his car over the blanket he spread. I was thankful for it because fuck it’s fucking cold and I don’t want to imagine what it would feel like to sit on the cold hood without the blanket. 

We talked about random topics, then he used the binocular to show me parts of the city that I wasn’t very familiar with.

After an hour of talking his stomach rumbles in hunger.

  
“I hope you didn’t have your dinner like I asked you to" he says while grabbing a dark blue plastic bag and look inside it. 

“I didn’t.” my heart beats fast, could Justin be right about Monty’s plans? Should I expect him to take out the lube and condom from his bag?!

“Good.” he takes out what it looks like a sandwich wrapped in tinfoil. “here.”

So this is why I should come with an empty stomach..

I take the sandwich from his hand cursing Justin for getting my hopes up. 

“Did you make this?” I ask while deliberately unwrapping the tinfoil trying not to sound disappointed because I’m not. If he’s straight he’s straight. There are a lot of bi and gay guys out there for me.

“Nope." he says while chewing his food, he was so fast with unwrapping the sandwich. I wonder if he’s that fast with undressing someone? Shit, horny Winston get back to your cave.

He swallows the bite and elaborates :” Diego did, he dropped them off at the cafe before your arrival.”

So Diego knows that we’re out on a ‘date'. I blush remembering how our first meeting went out and how he was suspecting something between Monty and I. I bet he’s glad thinking he was right when in fact he’s wrong, until now.  
  
I must have drifted to another universe with my thoughts because I was looking at the sandwich without taking a single bite.

“Don’t tell me you’re going vegan now!”

I come back from the land of my thoughts and I shake my head with a grin :”No no!” I take a small bite and now I know why he assumed I’m vegan. It is a grilled halloumi cheese sandwich with a mixed of God knows what sauces and lettuce. It tastes delicious, a mix of sweet and sour. I feel obliged to compliment it after I swallow my bite: “This tastes really good.”

“I prefer it fried more than grilled.” He says with a full mouth while pointing at his sandwich. 

And it hit me :” Are you eating halloumi sandwich too?”

He looks at me with a confused look: “Yeah?”

This happened and still happens a lot. I remember how Charlie used to act weird around me when we’re eating food, he would order vegetarian food because he doesn’t want to ‘offend me’. 

“You don’t have to refrain from eating meat when I’m around.” 

That’s for his future records, I’m being optimistic because I expect a future for us, if it’s not as lovers, as friends would be fine but a little disappointing.  
  
Monty stops chewing, wraps his sandwich back which was half eaten already:” Thank God! I thought you’re one of those uptight vegetarians!”

  
He rummages in the bag and takes out another sandwich, unwraps it, and the smell of chicken hits my nostrils by the gentle night breeze.   
He was hiding another chicken sandwich just in case eating chicken offends me, he is willing to eat a vegetarian sandwich for me. My heart will explode by the nice gesture. 

“Is that your impression of me?” I ask “An uptight vegetarian?”

“ We have to be careful around you people.” He chuckles.

  
We eat in silence for a few minutes. Monty managed to finish his first sandwich and started with another one while I was done with half of my first. He eats with big bites, he’s so carefree when it comes to manners, as if he knows that whatever he does it’ll still be hot to me and I won’t find him disgusting.

He clears his throat without looking at me but looking at his sandwich to decide which side to devour: “When did you turn to vegetarianism anyway?” 

I get this question a lot, people are always curious about the history of any commitment you make. So the answer is always ready and I don’t need to look for it in the boxes of my memory.

“Around 4th grade." 

He looks at me now with interest: “Wow! that young? Let me guess, one of your parents enforced it on you?"

I chuckle shaking my head:” You guessed wrong, I was enforced to it by some circumstances..”

“How is that?”

I smile at the memory :” Okay I’m telling you but no laughing.”

“Can’t promise you with anything.”

Alright, he can laugh if he wants, because he has the most beautiful contagious laughter.

I start: “When I was in primary school my parents would send me to my uncle’s farm during summer breaks. They had all sort of animals in the farm, but my favourite were the goats.” I smile at the memory of their faces whenever I see them. “ I used to choose few goats and call them my friends, I also made them those friendship bracelet out of colorful threads and ...” I stop the moment I see him stifling a laugh “ You know what? Forget it.” I shift away slightly. 

Without any warning he grabs my wrist gently trying to stop me while laughing hard :” Please, please proceed. I’m sorry. It’s just the idea of making friendship bracelets for goats sounds funny.”

Please, don’t do that! You can’t touch me while we’re alone. It’s dangerous.

I need to compose myself.

After he calmed down from his laughter and the coughing fit that worried me a little but his smile reassured me. I decided to tell him the rest of my story: 

“Anyway” I clear my throat :” one day I woke up at dawn and went to the barn to say good morning to my friends ... the goats. I found Mr.Murphy, the old man who was in charge of the farm house, dragging Quest the goat, somewhere else and slaughter him. I was shocked and terrified by the sight of blood. On lunch they served him as meatballs .. So yeah, that’s how I ended up vegetarian. “

"So as a kid you thought the meat magically appear on your food table?” he jokes.

"I don’t know. I never thought about the source of meat.”

“That must have been tough for a kid.”

“It was.”

“Sorry about ... your childhood trauma “

Monty finishes the second sandwich and doesn’t get a third instead he takes a bottle of beer, then offers me one.

I shake my head because I’m not a fan of beer. 

He opens the bottle, takes a swig and I watch his Adam’s apple pops up and down when he swallowed the liquid. When did Adam’s apples become this hot?! 

  
“Out of curiosity..” He says while looking at the city in front of us: “When and how did you find out that you’re into guys?”

Another question that I get asked frequently. People are also interested in self- discovery kind of stories.

“ It was in middle school, 8th grade, I had a crush on my math teacher” I blush at the memory, his face is still imprinted in my memory not because I still have a thing for him but because he was very handsome and I always thought he’s a model or secretly a porn star. I proceed: “he was a fresh graduate, very young, and very kind to everyone but his kindness hit me in different ways than the others I guess.”

I remember going through a rough time that year. My parents were constantly arguing and threatening each other with divorce. It was hard having them arguing in the house more than them leaving me alone with the maids for weeks.  
Mr. Sloan knew something was happening because of my grades, so he reached out to me. Promised to help me out with everything he could. And he did. He also talked to the school council who contacted my parents and held a meeting to see through the matter. My parents started seeing a marriage counselor and I owed that to Mr. Sloan.

"Did you ever act upon that crush? I mean .. did you let him know? By doing something embarrassing like sending a secret confession letter? I know kids can be brave in the most inconvenient ways.”

“God no! Imagine how embarrassing that would be?”

He laughs: “It is embarrassing but desperate times calls for desperate measures.” He stops then look at his fingers and shyly says: “I did it once."

"When?” I can’t imagine someone like Monty confessing to anyone. Monty is the type of person you confess to them.

“Senior year. I had a crush on one of my friends, but I didn’t know how to confess or how he would react when he knows about it.”

He ...  
Wait a minute! Just wait a minute!

Did he just say “he"? Or my mind is playing tricks on me knowing that I’m obsessed with the topic of his sexuality?!

I stay silent and listen closely to another clue just to make sure that what I heard was real.

“ Scott, his name was Scott.”

Hallelujah! And that’s my clue!

Scott isn’t a girl name! I’ve never met or heard of a girl named Scott! 

This moment is happier than the time I lost my virginity to one of the senior students during high school.

"What happened?”

Please go on, impress me with the story of your homo/bisexuality.

Monty sighs and lies down with his hands crossed under his head.

We’re done eating, we’re full. What’s best than lying back and looking at the sky? I follow along and lie down too and It feels different, very different to lie down beside him knowing that he isn’t straight and that I stand at least 1% chance with him. 1% isn’t a lot but it’s something.

Monty shifts on his side looking at me while his right arm serves him as a pillow and I feel mesmerised by his warm look.

"You want the long version or the short one?” He asks.

"Long one!” because I want to listen to your voice talking and talking.

"Okay.” He goes back to the previous position, on his back. “At first, It took me a long and hard time to come in terms with my ... feelings for him. It was hard to pretend that I felt nothing around him. We were best friends, we hung around each other all the time. My biggest fear was being too obvious and get exposed by my friends with all the toxic muscularity and homophobia running among us. I was terrified so I wrote him an anonymous confession letter to test the water then I slipped it in one of his books.” He stops, probably feeling embarrassed by his past.

“How did he react?” My heart beats fast for a reason I can’t understand. Clearly Monty isn’t in a relationship with this Scott. But for some reason I feel nervous. 

Monty Shrugs: “Here’s the problem, he never did. He never brought it up to us either. So it was hard to talk to him about it because it was meant to be a secret that no one knows about it. I waited one month for him to say something, maybe make fun of this creepy kid who wrote him an anonymous confession letter. But he never did.” 

“Maybe because he never found it.”

Monty clicks his tongue: “He found it, I was there when it slipped from his book.”

Suddenly my heart aches for the realisation:” Do you .. do you think he knew that it was you?

He shrugs: “I don’t know, maybe he did maybe he didn’t . I mean he did give me a weird look for a split of second without saying anything before he stuffed it in his pocket. ”

I want to tell him that wasn’t a definite proof that he knew who was the writer of the letter.

Monty takes a deep breath and continues: “One evening I felt courageous and decided to confess everything to him in real life. No letters no texts, nothing of that crap. He deserved a real life confession. So I went to his neighbourhood and stood on the opposite sidewalk of his house. I could see the lights of his bedroom still on which made things more real and made me more nervous. I hesitated for a minute. Not because I wasn’t sure about my feelings, but because I wasn’t sure he would react the way I want especially that he was already dating a girl named Sheri. I decided to make up my mind by flipping a coin to decide what to do and ...”

I interrupt him with a smile : ”What kind of person flips a coin for a serious decision like that?”

He returns the smile and looks at me: “Don’t insult the power of a coin, if it wasn’t for my coin we wouldn’t be here.”

"How is that?”

"Remember first time we met, at the studio?” I nod “When I was in the changing room, I flipped a coin to decide whether to invite you to Bryce’s party or not. “

I remember now when I knocked on the door and it took him a long time to get out.

"What did the coin tell you with Scott?”

"It told me not to confess to him.”

“And you didn’t?”

He shakes his head slowly.

"Do you ever regret it?” I ask.

He doesn’t answer immediately, he thinks about the next thing he’ll say. I want to assure him that I’m not a judgemental person. He can be open about his one sided feelings.

“ I did, like thousands times until last year when he called me at 2 AM just to tell me that Sheri is the one, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. That he’ll work his ass off to graduate in no time, get a decent job and propose to her.”

Oh Monty! Scott knew it was you. He knew you wrote that letter which is why he made sure to let you know that he’s serious about Sheri.

"The funny thing” He chuckles dryly “No one expected them to last longer than 6 months. Bryce, Luke, Diego and I placed bets on how long they would last, the longest period of time was 6 months. But look at them now, this is their 4th year and they’re growing stronger. Then take a look at us, Bryce and Luke are jumping from one relationship to another, they change girlfriends like they change clothes. Diego is barely hanging in there with Martina, and I’m ... right here ...”

You’re right here .. You’re right here with me. I can be someone special to you. I can be the Sheri for you. Just give me a chance.

"After that night , I stopped regretting it. He’s happy and that’s what matters."

“Right.” 

He looks at me and finds me smiling.

"What’s wrong now?” 

"It’s just that” I fidget with my fingers on my stomach “ I feel like an idiot for thinking that you’re straight all that time. I didn’t expect you to be ....."

He sits up and brings his knees to his chest while still maintaining eye contact with me to make sure that I listen and understand what he’s about to say:  
"Oh I'm not straight, I’m not bi either and I’m definitely not gay."

"Then what are you?” I prop myself on my elbows, interested in what he’s about to reveal.

He looks in front of him at the city lights :”I don’t like labelling. Once you say you’re straight .. girls will think automatically that you want them in your bed, and when you come out as gay people like Ryan will obsess over you. As for coming out as bi the pressure intensifies even more and everyone think they stand a chance with you. It doesn’t work like that. At least not with me. If I feel like I want to sleep with a girl, I’ll sleep with a girl. If I want to kiss a guy I’ll kiss a guy."

He stops and I nod even though I know he’s not looking at me. He takes a swig, swallow it after keeping it washing the inside of his mouth, then he looks at me with a faint blush. It could be a blush of being shy and it could be the result of drinking alcohol: “ Right now .. I feel like kissing you.”

I gulped hard. This is happening. He’s the one who wants to make a move. I’ll never feel like I threw myself on him.

He shakes his head: “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have ...”

  
"Do it, then. Kiss me!" I interrupt him with a low that I doubt he heard it.

  
But he did, because he looks at me for few seconds that felt like hours, then puts down his beer, shifts closer leaning slowly above me while his right arm is supporting his weight. My heart is pounding now and I hope he doesn’t hear it. I don’t want him to know how nervous and desperate I am. I don’t want him to know that I’m willing to give myself to him without a lot of effort or persuasion.

He cups my face with his left hand and says: “You’re freezing. I told you to dress warm.”

His hot breath washes over my face and it sends a slight shiver through my body.

"It’s alright, I’m okay.” I say.

Maybe I am a little cold after all but please don’t stop. Please, not now. Not after you made it loud and clear that you’re interested in me.

And as if he heard my pleading, he leans closer and his lips touches mine and they’re as soft as I’ve always imagined them to be. The kiss was gentle like everything he did for me. No tongue no biting. Just a sweet and light as a feather kiss that ended so fast as he pulls away.

“Does this .. make me gay?” He asks looking straight into my eyes then back to my lips which are parted now inviting him for more, then back to my eyes. 

Among all the things I expected him to say after the kiss, that wasn’t one of them. He’s making a clear statement, ‘I’m a labels hater’.

I chuckle and I’m smart enough to know what to say:

"Guys kiss each other for fun."

Do they? No they don't! but if he needs this kind of reassurance to give me more, I’ll lie for him.

And Monty knows that I’m lying but he doesn’t point it out because he doesn’t want this to stop which explains why the hand that was cupping my cheek is traveling to the south now and stops on my crotch, he palms it with his hand and squeezes gently while still looking into my eyes :” How about this?”

I whisper :” Guys grope each other all the time.”

And again, I’m lying.

Without taking his eyes off my eyes he deliberately unbuttons and unzips my jeans. 

His hand snakes under my boxers and the moment it makes contact with my hardening cock my breath hitches. His hand wasn’t cold but in the contrary, it was very warm , I uncross my legs and spread them out a little to give him more access.

_Ding_

He gives my cock a few long strokes and the blood starts to rush there.

_Ding_

I close my eyes and my elbows don’t seem to be strong enough to support me anymore. I lie on my back and get drunk in the moment. 

If this is a dream, please God let me live in it for the rest of my life.

I’ve never been this turned on by a handjob before. It was slow but efficient. I hate to say this but I’ll be content by getting a handjob by him without anything else.

He leans above me again to catch my lips in a much deeper kiss. And I’m so turned on that I don’t play it cool anymore. I open my mouth to invite him in while holding the back of his neck in a desperate needy way.

I am needy and I don’t care that it shows.

_Ding_

He stops and pulls away. I open my eyes and I find his pupils blown with a dark color. He pulls his hand too and it took all my self control to stop a whimper from escaping my mouth.

He sits and shifts away as if I was a furnace.

" You .. you should probably check your phone.” He breathes out. He is losing his self control too, by merely touching me. I wonder how much control he would lose when he lay me on his bed and fuck me mercilessly. 

I don’t move, I feel sedated by what happened. I ignore his suggestion and the phone too. He raises his eyebrows with a questioning look.

Fuck it! Fuck whoever decided to connect with me right now as if there isn’t 24 hours available of the day he could text me during them. 

I take my phone out of my pocket to check who the fucker is ..

It was Jonathan sending me some orders and tasks to do for tomorrow.

Newsflash, Jonathan’s middle name is .. cockblock.


	12. Chapter 12

I open my eyes to the sound of my alarm. I’m in my room, in my own bed, alone. I had to pinch myself multiple times to believe that what happened wasn’t part of my dreams, It was my reality!

Last night after the short make out session with the delicious stroking of my cock, Monty decided it was time to get back home as it was getting much colder and apparently Jonathan had a full list of errands to run that starts at 8 AM so Monty thought it was best to take me home immediately.

He dropped me off and I offered him a cup of coffee secretly hoping he would take my offer and we can continue what we begun, but this time in my bed. He declined. Said it was late and he didn’t want to keep me up any longer, as if I was able to sleep easily after what we did. 

I finished every task Jonathan sent to me at 11 AM which was a record time considering how each one of them was in a different side of the city.

Once I close the door of my apartment and before I get to take off my coat, my phone rings.

I secretly hope it’s him checking in with me after last night but I already have an idea who the caller is. When I check the phone screen it was Charlie, as I expected.

"Hello?” I start.

“ _Tell me everything!_ ”

"Good morning to you too" I say while taking off my shoes.

 _"I have 5 minutes before I reach my dentist office, I can’t waste my time on formality, spill the tea._ ” And I hear the sound of honking in the background.

"A dentist appointment, on Saturday?!” I stall because I enjoy it when Charlie begs me for juicy news.

_"I have college, I can’t skip classes. And I tutor the whole week, remember? Saturdays are my only chance.”_

"Yeah sure, so why the dentist appointment?”

" _Regular check up, enough talking about me. Tell me what happened!”_

"Oh Charlie.” I decide to stop torturing him and start feeding his curiosity. 

" _Oh Charlie what, what? Was it good? Was it bad?_ ”

I sigh with a smile while I throw my body on the bed: “ Oh Charlie, it was beyond good. It was perfect!”

" _Tell me more, did you kiss him?_ ”

" _He_ kissed me,” I close my eyes remembering how we ended up kissing, and the butterflies in my tummy started to flutter by reliving the moment: “We were talking and he told me that he wanted to kiss me and..”

" _Wait a minute! He asked for permission? What is he? A middle school student?_ ”

"Would it be much better if he jumped on me and did it anyway without my consent?”

_"Huh, consent! as if you weren’t drooling over him.”_

“Still, it was a very kind and gentlemanly to check with me!”

" _Okay, okay! What else? What did you two do?_ ”

I close my eyes and I swear I could feel his warm hand circling my cock and gives it a few strokes.

Should I tell him how it really went ? Would he be judgemental and give me the ‘don’t be easy' talk?

I don’t give a single fuck! I’m too happy to care about what he thinks about my dating life.

I blush over the phone: “He ... he started a handjob but..”

" _But what? What happened?”_

Okay, he’s excited and interested, no judging. 

"Jonathan happened.”

" _You know what? Fuck my dentist appointment. I’m coming to your place. Prepare a light snack because I’m fucking hungry and I haven’t eaten anything since I woke up.”_

He hung up before I get the chance to say anything. 

In 15 minutes, I was taking my shower when I heard the knock on my door. I didn’t expect Charlie to be this fast. He stormed into the kitchen while I’m trailing behind him with a dripping wet hair.

“Where’s my snack?” He scans the kitchen.

I roll my eyes, open the fridge and lay a bag of slice breads , jam, and peanut butter in front of him.

I say sitting on the chair: “Make yourself at home.” Which a translation for ‘make your own sandwich'.

“Wow, for someone who almost got laid you’re in a bitchy mood.” He takes two slices and starts making his sandwich.

I laugh.

“So, fill me in! What happened after the handjob?”

“The unfinished handjob.” I correct him.

He stops spreading the jam on the bread: “Shit! After all the waiting you didn’t even get a full handjob?”

“No.” I shake my head cursing Jonathan “The asshole flooded me with texts every fucking second. He killed the mood for us.”

“It’s kinda your fault though!” he says while taking the first bite “you should have left your phone at home, or at least switched it off.”

“You’re right! Lesson learned.”

He eats his sandwich in complete silence for few minutes then asks:

“Do you think there’s a second time?”

I shrug: “I hope so.”

The thing is, I don’t know if he really enjoyed our date. He seemed to be doing so but the unfinished handjob worries me a little. A teeny tiny part of me that struggles with self-esteem and confidence thinks he used the cold weather and late time as an excuse to run away. But another part of me thinks he’s so kind and considerate that he put me first before his aching cock. Yes, when he pulled away I could see the buldge in his jeans.

“Did he or you send the after-date message?”

“What’s an after-date message?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He rolls his eyes “The ‘hey I enjoyed our date we should do it some other time blah blah' ."

I nervously play with the string of my sweat pants: “I didn’t text him yet.”

“What are you waiting for?”

“I don’t know, I feel like I should let him start every move. I don’t want to throw myself at him.”

"He’s interested in you, you’re interested in him. Nobody is throwing himself at the other.”

"You think so?”

"Yes! Text him. Tell him how wonderful last night was and that you would like to do it again.”

"Okay.”

**********

After Charlie left, I spent half an hour to come up with one sentence that doesn’t make me seem clingy and thirsty. It ended up saying:

" _Hey Monty. Thank you for last night, I really enjoyed it. :) “_

I sent my text and threw my phone aside, after remembering what happened between us. 

Shit! I shouldn’t have said that I enjoyed it, that made me kind of thirsty and looking for more.

But it’s too late, I can’t take it back.

I went by my day waiting for a reply from him, something like ‘ me too we should do it again.’ or anything of that sort, but there was nothing!

In fact, he didn’t even receive my text yet as there’s only one gray check. Maybe he slept in. It was 3 PM, as hard as it was to convince myself that he’s still sleeping I felt it was the only reasonable reason. 

So I wait for couple more of hours, and still nothing.

It’s 10 PM now, I’m starting to get worried. There’s no way he’s still sleeping, there’s no way he can’t spare few minutes of his time to turn on the Wi-Fi and check his messages.

I’m pacing my room feeling nothing but worry. 

I want to wait till tomorrow but I can’t, I won’t be able to sleep like that. I decided to call him just to check up on him. He did that many times with me, it’s not wrong to return the favor.

I look for his name in the recent calls, and nervously press the call option. I expect it to ring but instead I listen to the generated voice that says:” _The number you are dialling is off, please call again later._ ”

I call again because phone lines are messed up sometimes, but I hear the same message again .

I sit on the bed with my head between my hands thinking about all the possible reasons he isn’t around his phone.

" _Maybe he lost his phone. Relax Winston_ " Charlie tells me over the phone after I called him and woke him up. I feel bad but I feel bad for myself more. 

"I don’t know Charlie. It's not like him, I’m worried sick about him.”

He sighs over the phone :” _look at you all worried and going crazy over here when he’s not your official boyfriend yet._ "

"Charlie, something serious could have happened to him.”

" _It’s all in your head. You’re over reacting_.”

Am I? Maybe Charlie is right.

" _listen to me, Winston. You’re going to relax, get a good night of sleep and maybe let me get a good night of sleep myself, and tomorrow morning you’ll call him again and see what happens, alright?_ ”

"Okay.” I’m not really convinced with his suggestion but I don’t have other choice.

" _Will you promise me to leave your phone and go to bed?”_

"I can’t promise but I’ll try.”

And I did, I did try very hard to go to bed but I kept tossing left and right. I’ve made these horrific scenarios in my head. Maybe he crashed after dropping me off. Maybe he has another phone with another number that he uses while this number that I saved is for the people he dates and doesn’t find them interesting. Maybe he got pulled off by an officer for speeding and he’s spending the night in jail waiting for someone to bail him out, he tends to speed over the limits sometimes based on the two times I rode with him.

My stomach grumbles in hunger, I haven’t eaten anything since my lunch. I don’t feel like making anything but I have to put something in my stomach. I guess an apple or a banana would be fine.

I throw off the sheets, open my room door and I hear the sound of rummaging in the dark kitchen. 

My heart stops for a minutes when I remember that Alex left on Thursday to his hometown, he’s staying with his parents until Tuesday.

I find it hard to breathe now. The thing about this building, there is no security system, anyone can get inside whenever they please. And my neighbour, Mr.Gibb wouldn’t be really helpful if I screamed for help.

I retreat to my room, look for something hard I can use as a weapon. I used to have a baseball bat somewhere. But shit! it was Zach’s. I gave it back to him after the break up.  
I grab my mac laptop. I paid a lot for it but my life and safety are worth it.

I tiptoe through the dark hallway to the kitchen, still holding my breath while flattening myself against the wall.

Once I reach the dark kitchen that was illuminated by the fridge lights. I raise the laptop in attack position and I see the ‘intruder' straightens up and his face is clear now..

"Fuck! Alex!” I exclaim with my hand on my chest, I can feel my heart beating so hard against my ribcage “You scared the hell out of me!”

He looks at me with a tired look and an expressionless face, as usual: “Sorry.”

I take few breath to calm myself down:  
"I thought you’re staying with your parents for a few more days.”

He walks two steps to the table with a soda in his hand: "That was the plan, until they decided to .. stick their noses into my business. “

He sits and I sit across of him, my legs are still shaking and I can’t stand anymore.

"What happened?” I ask forgetting how starving I felt 2 minutes ago.

He sighs: “my mom ‘was collecting my dirty laundry “ he does the quotation mark gesture sarcastically and proceeds:” when she magically found my new meds in my bag.”

She was snooping in his stuff. As infuriating that behaviour is, I know she did it with good intentions. 

"Okay...?” but I still don’t see the problem in finding out his pills.

He plays with the soda by circling his finger around the top.

"Being the nurse she is, she has an idea of what kind of meds I was on, after she has seen a different type of meds she connected the dots and figured out that the old ones are no longer working for me which means I’m not getting any better. She and dad gave me .. the talk, about how worried they are and how they want me close in case I needed them. So I left.”

Alex’s parents are the ideal parents, they’re ready to protect and help him at all cost. I find it odd to have this kind of strong parental support and still ask for Zach’s. 

He scoffs: “They want me to freeze this year and stay home with them.”

"Maybe they have a point.” 

He shot me with a sharp look and I feel like taking what I said back.

He leans forward and slowly with a clear tone says: ”College is what keeps me sane right now, keeps my head busy with classes and assignments. It’s my kind of distraction.“

I nod in understanding although I haven’t gotten into college but I know how distractions are a way of surviving a hard time. I could really use one right now.

Alex leans back looking at the table: “Beside ... I can’t stay away from Zach.”

  
I nod again in understanding and this time I know how he feels exactly. I’ve been there. I got a job offer as an assistant for a business man who was welling to pay me almost double what Jonathan pays. I declined the offer though, I didn’t want to lose what Zach and I had with long distance relationship. 

I clear my throat :” How is it going with you two?”

I’m actually interested. I feel this is the appropriate time to ask Alex about it. I don’t want to ask Zach this because he won’t tell me anything.

Alex blushes, and he’s clearly uncomfortable with talking about Zach with me but I don’t want him to feel this way. We’re still friends after all.

"It’s.. fine, I swear.” I assure him.

He fidgeted with his hand:” I don’t know, some days it feels that things are going so well and we’re in the best place. And others it feels .... that he’s enforced into this relationship, like he’s looking for a way out.“

He is enforced somehow. Alex still doesn’t know that I was the one who convinced Zach to give their relationship a chance.

“You know,” he blushes again :”one time he moaned your name.”

Shit Zach! 

I didn’t know they’re sexually active with each other yet. My face is burning I hope Alex is too busy with his soda can to notice me.

"I pretended that I didn’t hear it, because it’s easier this way, pretending is what I do best.” He shrugs helplessly.  
  
"I'm sorry" I don’t know what I’m apologizing for “Give him time, be patient with him. Zach cares about you.”

“I know.” He mumbles. 

His phone rings. Alex rolls his eyes in boredom after checking the caller identity. 

"Your parents?” I guessed because who else would call him at a late hour.

"My mom.” He specifies while pressing the decline button.

" Do they know you’re here?”

  
He shakes his head: “I left when dad went to sleep, mom was at the hospital for her night shift, she probably found out that I left when she got back home.”

"Alex, you should let them know you’re safe and okay. They’re clearly worried. “

He doesn’t say anything but continues playing with the soda can. His phone rings again.

Alex slides it across the table toward me :” Tell her I’m asleep.”

I catch the phone before it falls and I pick it up instantly: “Hello Mrs.Standall! “

"Who is this?” she asks worriedly, I hate to hear this tone coming from her.

"It’s Winston, Alex’s roommate. “

"Oh Winston honey!” her tone has changed, she’s relieved now, I guess she remembers me, I met her once when she came for a visit here to check up on Alex. "Is Alex there?”

"He’s asleep" I lie for him while looking at him sitting across the table “ he was tired after his trip, he left his phone in the kitchen and went to sleep.”

"Is he okay?” again, the worried tone.

"Yes, Mrs.Standall. Would you like me to wake him up for you? “

Alex shoots me with another sharp look.

Oh shut up! We both know she wouldn’t let me ‘wake’ you up.

"It’s alright, let him rest. Tell him to give me a call once he wake up.”

“Sure.”

I hung up and slid back his phone on the table: “Call her when you wake up.”

He opens his soda can, takes few sips then asks:” Why are you still up at a time like this? Don’t you have work tomorrow?”

He uses ‘still up’, is it really that obvious that I haven’t slept?!

I sigh: “I do but I couldn’t sleep, I’m just .. worried.”  
"About what?”

I miss this, I miss those times when Alex and I would sit at the end of the day and talk and vent to each other about all the crap that we were going through. When did we stop? I can’t remember. 

“A friend of mine" yes, a friend! a kiss and an unfinished handjob won’t make him someone more than a friend. "He’s unreachable. His phone is off since the morning.”

He looks at me confused: “Maybe he got caught up with some stuff. It happens.”

I feel like telling him that it’s not like him to get caught up with anything. I’ve been talking to him for months and when he ‘gets caught with stuff' it doesn’t last for a whole day, it’s only for few hours. But why bother.

"Yeah, maybe you’re tight.”

Alex yawns and rubs the back of his neck: “I’m fucking exhausted! I couldn’t sleep on the bus, there was a drunk man who couldn’t keep his mouth shut the whole trip.”

"The beauty of traveling on bus."

"Yeah,” he stands up “so goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I wait for him to leave, once I hear the click of his bedroom door, I look at the board on the refrigerator, the note that Monty left was no longer there but I look at the board and think ..

Where the hell are you? What the hell happened? 

**********

I managed to sleep 3 hours. I went to the studio as a body without a soul. My whole mind was with him. I was so close to ask Jonathan about him, they’re friends maybe he knows something. But I didn’t, instead I decided to drop by the café and see him. It was a desperate act but no space for pride in this matter.

I left the studio at 2 PM, and went straight to the cafe, I opened the door and for the first time I don’t care about the raised heads when the bell jiggles. I did a quick scan of the place but he isn’t there, he isn’t around the counter either. But Tommy was.

Suddenly, my heartbeats quickens their pace, I go to the counter where Tommy was standing busy with some receipts. He raises his head with a friendly welcoming smile the moment I reach the counter.

"Hey Tommy" I try to smile and I think I pulled a decent one.

"Hello, Winston right?”

"Yeah"

"What would you like to drink?” he raises his hand to the cash register screen prepared to register my order.

" Erm, actually I just want to ask you about something.”

He looks at me with a questioning look. And I’m no longer sure that this is a good idea.

"Is Monty here?” I ask in a low voice just in case he was hiding under the counter when he saw me coming. How ridiculous of me.

His face relaxes and he casually says: “Monty took an unpaid two weeks off”

Unpaid? No one take an unpaid off unless they desperately need it.

"When?” I ask thinking maybe he planned it off few days ago, maybe he wanted to go on a vacation and it happened to be after our date.

"Yesterday, the other employee who works in the morning shift saw him at 8 AM with the manager.”

So it wasn’t planned. Well, at least he’s alive and he isn’t on a hospital bed or locked up in jail.

"Okay, thanks" I smile gratefully and leave the cafe. I take out my phone and call Charlie immediately the moment I stepped out.

" _Hello_?” he whispers. And I can hear the professor voice in the background explaining his lecture “ _listen I can’t talk to you now, I’m in class.”_

"Charlie this is urgent.”

" _Text me_.” And he hangs up.

Fuck. 

I text: ' _Monty took 2 weeks off, UNPAID, why do you think he did that?'_

 **Charlie** : ' _Maybe he just needed an unpaid two weeks off'_

 **Me** : ' _Charlie I’m serious, do you think he’s avoiding me?'_

 **Charlie** : ' _Idk, maybe he’s sick_ '

 **Me** : ' _There are sick days!'_

 **Charlie** : ' _I don’t know I’m just trying to calm you down'_

 **Me** : ' _Well you’re not helping! One thing left'_

 **Charlie** : ' _What are you going to do?_ '

 **Me** : ' _I’ll just drop by his place_ '

 **Charlie** : ' _Oh no no no'_  
 **Charlie** : ' _that’s a BAD idea!'_  
 **Charlie** : ' _A very VERY bad idea'_  
 **Charlie** : ' _Winston that’s a bit extreme.'_

  
 **Me** : ' _Maybe it is, but if he was avoiding me it’ll be the perfect excuse to block him with clear consciou_ s.'

I reach Monty’s apartment out of breath, the elevator was under maintenance so I had to take the stairs, he lives in the 5th floor and I need to work on my fitness because God damn it, I need oxygen!

I try to regulate my breathing before I knock on the door, I know someone is there because the sound of Spanish music blasting out even with the door closed.

I knock and I pray that every single scenario I had in mind was wrong. I would rather have him ignoring me more than being sick. Although that would break my heart.

No one answers. I knock again and louder this time then I press the bell button.  
Few seconds and I hear the sound of foot running on the wooden floor coming to get it.

Diego opens the door looking like a model as usual. He’s wearing a tight black cut off shirt with black sweat pants.

He was sweating trying to catch his breath with an immediate smile when seeing my face he says breathlessly :” Winston!”

“Hello Diego.” I try to hide my blush. I still get flustered when I see a hot guy.

“Who’s there?” a female voice from inside calls out. It is Martina.

Diego replies shouting over the loud music: “ Winston!”

“Who?”

He shakes his head and says: “Come in."

I pass by him, he closes the door behind me then says: “Babe, we’re taking 10 minutes break.”

A break from what? Were they having sex?

“We just took a break like 30 minutes ago.” Martina whines.

“I know babe, but we have company. “

He finishes his sentence by the second we reach the living room, where Martina was standing with her hands on her waist, wearing a fluffy short red dress that complimented her body the way it should.

I’m gay, but I appreciate beauty in every gender and form.

She smiles the moment she sees me and I relax and kick out the feeling of being imposer for a split of second.

“Hey Winston! Good to see you.”

“Hey Martina, I’m sorry for interruption. “

“Oh don’t be silly!” She waves me off “We’re practicing for a dancing contest next month.”

Oh that’s explains the sweats. And the sexy outfits.

I nod.

Diego motions for me to sit, I do and he awkwardly says after sitting across from me:” So, how may I help you?”

I hesitate a little, maybe coming here was a bad idea after all. The presence of Martina doubles the awkwardness. I mean I know that Diego knows about me and Monty. But does Martina too? Didn’t she fix him up with Julie? I bet it didn’t go well because he was with me, he kissed _me_ , he wanted to fuck _me_. Not her!

I fidgeted with my fingers: “I’ve been trying to reach Monty but ..”

I look at him and his eyebrows are furrowed: “Monty isn’t here, he’s back to his hometown.”

Back to his hometown? As in permanently? But he didn’t quit his job. Why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t he say goodbye?

My expression was pathetic enough for Diego to trail off :” Didn’t he tell you?”

I shake my head because I have a feeling that my voice will betray me.

“You should probably call him.”

Or I shouldn’t , if he wanted me to call him he could at least switch on his phone.

“I did” I clear my throat “His phone is off.”

“Oh shit right! He did forget his phone but I shipped it to him and it should’ve reached him by now.”

“But he’s okay, right?” I need to make sure “Do you talk to him?”

“He’s fine, he called me with his sister’s phone when he realized that he forgot his phone.”

I nod. I’m no longer interested in knowing his reason. As soon as I leave this place I’ll head to the nearest gay bar, drink till I pass out and wake up in someone’s else bed.

“Oh how rude of us! Babe, could you make some coffee for Winston?” Diego cuts my train of thoughts. 

And before I tell him that I’m good and I don’t want coffee but I need a glass of wine or whiskey. I notice the look in his eyes. He wants to get rid of her.

“Sure, how do you take your coffee?” She stands up straighten her short dress.

“Black coffee would be fine.” I don’t drink it like that but anything to have her gone.

She disappears in the kitchen after being followed by Diego’s eyes.

He clears his throat, leans forward to sit on the edge of the couch and quietly says: “listen Winston, he really enjoyed that night with you.”

I expected to hear anything but that! I was expecting him to ask me to back off and take the hint. I should blush and get embarrassed by the fact that Monty told him about our date, but I find it hard to feel anything but confusion. 

“But?” There’s a ‘but', I know it!

Diego looks down the floor avoiding my eyes: “He needs.. some time now.” 

“Time for what?” it’s not like I asked him for an engagement ring.

“He’ll come back. Just be patient, alright?”

That doesn’t answer my question. A time for what, Diego?!

"I don’t get it, have I done something wrong?” 

My voice sounded hurt more than confused even though I’m confused more than hurt. Or maybe I am hurt after all.

I do a quick playback in my memory of what happened that night, what I did and what I said. I can’t remember doing or saying anything that might push him off like this.

"No no, you didn’t do anything. As I said he enjoyed your company. This isn’t about you.”

I still don’t get it but I don’t ask anymore. I feel humiliated for an unknown reason what am I even doing here at his place? Am I that bad to the extent of leaving the city for a few weeks to avoid me? I understand if he doesn’t find me interesting even when he showed me the complete opposite, but wouldn’t be the reasonable and adult-like behaviour to say something like: ‘Winston I don’t think this thing will work out between us'. I’ll understand. I won’t stick around, I’m not a leach!

But I guess it’s over. I should gather whatever pride remains of me and leave.   
I stand up feeling shaken, I’m upset, I’m no longer worried.

“I got to go" I say while burying my shaky hands in my coat.

He looks up at me from his place: “Drink your coffee before you leave. “

I scatter my gaze around: “I’m sorry, I have to be somewhere else. " my bed, crying.

Diego doesn’t stop or believe me as I can see it in his eyes but he let me leave his place quickly feeling stupid for occupying my head with worries about him. 

That night I cried a little and slept without struggle knowing that he’s alive and fine but choosing to ignore me. Of course the nightmares crept into my sleep, nightmares about my childhood and him. But that’s okay, I can survive this. I survived Zach, it won’t be impossible to survive Monty too.

***********

One week passed and I got used to the idea of his absence. I kept myself busy with work and other stuff around.

  
Charlie stopped asking about Monty after I rudely asked him to back off and never mention him again. I apologised to him immediately on the spot, I was clearly venting on him. Losing Charlie over Monty and his childish behaviour isn’t really wise.  
As for Justin and Clay, they asked me for an ‘update’ about my date. I told them it was fun while it lasted but I never mentioned how he’s still ghosting me after one week.

At some point, I opened his conversation and I found the double blue check! He received and read my message! I checked the time he did that, it was at 4 AM and It’s 12 PM now, he chose to ignore me! He made it loud and clear. He regrets that night. I regret that night! I knew he was too good to be true.

While I was engrossed in analysing his behaviour, I saw him appearing online. Shit! I leave the conversation, lock my screen and throw my phone aside. Last thing I want to happen is him sending a reply to met up with an instant blue double checks. 

I wait for the sound of my notification but nothing. At this point he should block me and be done with it.

Another week has passed and I heard nothing from him. I’m starting to get used to his absence, going on about my day is easier now, I no longer think about him every minute of every hour during my day. I only think of him once every 10 minutes, that’s a progress.

On Friday, my friends and I were hanging out at my place.

Zach and Alex were cuddling on the couch, while Justin, Clay, and Charlie were on the floor playing snakes & ladders. I was lazily sitting -or half sitting- on the armchair between watching whatever crappy movie Zach and Alex are watching and observing the others playing.

"Justin! I saw that!” Charlie shouts “You’re cheating.”

Charlie is taking this game seriously, they’re betting on $50 for the first winner. I would have joined them but I wasn’t in the mood for playing. 

"No, I’m not!” 

Yes he is. He has been cheating since the beginning when no one was paying attention. 

Clay says :” You got 5! You should end up at the snake head.”

"I got 4.”

Liar. But I won’t testify against him.

"So Clay and I are liars?!”

"Bitch, you might be!”

Okay, that’s enough! Someone needs to stop him.

I interfere: “Justin, I saw you cheating.”

"Oh look at the scarecrow finally talking!” He jokes. But I’m in no mood for laughing or clapping back.

"Fuck you.” I mutter and relax again in my chair deciding to stay out of it when a soft knock on the door interrupted us.

Alex looks at me questioning if I’m expecting someone, and I’m not. 

I go to see who is it since Alex is too comfortable between Zach’s arms, and the three idiots are still fighting.

I open the door and those tummy butterflies are back to fluttering again.

"Monty!” I exclaim.

He looks at me nervously with clear exhaustion: “I think ... I owe you an apology.”.


	13. Chapter 13

"Monty!” I exclaim.

  
He looks at me nervously with clear exhaustion: “I think ... I owe you an apology.”.

  
I’m so scared to blink and poof! find myself talking to the air, or wake up in my bed. I keep looking at him straight into his eyes without blinking: “I’m more interested in an explanation than an apology.”

His nervousness dissipates immediately at my revelation, I can see that he relaxes a little:  
"How about both?”

I move away slightly to let him in: "Come in."

"Justin! You’re out! You don’t get to play with us!” Charlie shouts inside. I blush in embarrassment, to think they’re grown up in their 20s and behaving like this over a board game. 

"Can we .. talk in the hallway privately? “ he asks cautiously as if I’ll be offended by him not wanting to clash with my uncultured friends.

"Sure." I close the door behind me leaning against it while crossing my arms over my chest waiting for him to speak up. I’m acting all tough when in fact my heart is rapidly beating and my legs are shaking. There’s a chance that he’s here to apologise and to tell me how this thing between us isn’t working.

“Let’s sit on the stairs.” He suggests. 

Okay, I see this might take a while.

I step down two steps and sit by the wall, he does too choosing to sit on the same step by the stair railings. I’m blushing now. Damn Winston, control yourself! You’re not supposed to blush like a hormonal teenager. This is the guy who ghosted you for two fucking weeks and chose to ignore your text. He probably thinks you’re not worth a few taps on his phone screen to text you one sentence. 

"How have you been?” Monty starts and I want to blurt out ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ but I hold myself because I’m not in a position to do that. 

"Great." I reply with a hint of sarcasm that I couldn’t withhold.

I don’t ask him how he’s doing although I can see clearly that he isn’t having the best days of his life. 

There’s a silence that stretched for 2 minutes and I can’t take it anymore. He should start explaining himself, did he come here on a Friday night to ask me how I’m doing? 

I quietly yet impatiently ask out of the blue while looking at my feet:  
"Was it something I did?” 

He looks at me with surprise, I can see how he moved his head abruptly by the corner of my eye. I hold a strand of my hair and tuck it behind my ear, this is what I do when I feel nervous: “ Because I spent the past 2 weeks between worrying about you and feeling ... hurt for being ignored like that. It felt awful to be in the dark side. It would have been much easier for me if you told me that you needed space or time to figure things out or something. But to ignore my calls and my message, that was ..” I shake my head and trail off :” so, was it something I did?”

Monty shifts his whole body to his side and quickly says: “You were .. you _are_ fucking amazing."

Hooray! I am fucking amazing yet you decided to ignore me, I wonder what would you do if I was not that fucking amazing, would you throw me under the bus? Okay, I need to chill and switch off the ‘drama queen’ mode.

"Then why did you disappear like that?” My voice sounds sad while I look at him to see if he’s ready to tell the truth or if he’s cooking a lie for me.

"It’s not you, it’s me.” He replies.

“Right.” I look away feeling disappointed in his answer.

Any explanation that starts with the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ is crap in my book. It’s so cliché! Hey I’m breaking up with you, it’s not you it’s me! Hey I cheated on you it’s not you it’s me!

Wait! that’s true, it’s you not me!

He takes a deep breath and exhales it.

“It’s my mother.” He starts.

I look back at him, and I’m not in a dramatic mood anymore.

“Estella, my sister, called me after I dropped you off that night, said that my mom was rushed to the hospital after passing out in the bathroom for the second time that week. ”

Now I’m more concerned. There was something serious happening while I was here worried about him not liking me.

“Oh God. Is she okay?” I ask with concern that I couldn’t hide.

Monty looks at his shoes, shaking his left leg nervously, he raises his head looking upfront but I can see his eyes turning glassy with tears: “The fucking cancer is back.” His voice shaky “for .. the third time!” and now it breaks at the end. 

A drop of tear is set free, slips on his cheekbone and ends up wasted on the ground.

“ Monty ..” I don’t know what to say but: “I’m so sorry.” I put my hand on his shoulder which makes him realize that he’s tearing. He wipes both eyes then looks at me with bloodshot eyes. 

“Third time is a charm, right?” he smiles humourlessly.

I don’t get his reference for a second but it hit me, he believes that she won’t make it this third time.

Shaking my head yet still maintaining eye contact: “Don’t say that! She was strong enough to beat cancer twice, she can beat it once more!”

"Can she?” He licks his bottom lip to control the slight tremble that didn’t go unnoticed by me: “ It’s not just a breast cancer anymore, the doctor said it’s spreading out to her bones, her brain, and her liver.” He stops to take few breath to calm himself in vain: “It takes me back to when I was 10 years old, when she found out about it the first time. Do you have any idea how hard was it for a kid to fathom what was happening around him?! I was there when she got back from every single chemotherapy session, I was there when she cried in pain at night because the fucking painkillers didn’t work for her, I was there when she threw up every tiny bite she placed in her mouth, I was there when she clogged the shower drain with her falling long strands of hair.” His voice loses its edge at the painful memories: “She can’t go through that again for the third time. She’s .... exhausted, everybody is exhausted, _I’m_ exhausted!” and a stream of tears floods his face, he lets out a strangled sob then bury his head between his legs probably embarrassed by displaying his vulnerability. 

My heart aches at the sight of him breaking down like this, so I shift toward him closing the distance between us and I wrap my arm around him.

I hate how I turned this whole thing about me, about us. He was going through a lot and I was concerned about him not liking me back.

With every passing minute his muffled sobs become calmer. He sniffs and raises his head trying to compose himself.

"I’m sorry.” He says.

"Don’t be!” I say quietly while running my hand on his back soothingly. I don’t want him to withhold himself from expressing while he’s with me. I fucking cried like babies months ago and he’s apologizing for few tears now.

"Fuck,” he wipes his wet red face with his sleeves: “ I haven’t shed a single tear the past two weeks, I had to stay calm and strong for my mom and Estella.”

Oh Monty, robbing yourself the right to express your pain is way too much.

"It’s okay not to be okay.” I try to convince him :”You’re a human being, you’re not an emotionless rock ”

He smiles for a split of second and I swear if I blinked the same moment he cracked that smile I would have missed it. The tired features are back on his face.

He clears his throat and looks at his hands avoiding my eyes: “ So ... that’s my explanation and I’m sorry for disappearing like that. I messed up and I don’t expect you to ....”

And before he gets to finish whatever nonsense he was saying, I collect all the courage I got and grab his face with both hands, direct it toward me and I seal my lips to his. He tensed at first by the surprise then relaxes and buries his right hand in my hair at the back of my head to hold me still while taking control of the kiss. I don’t mind it and I don’t resist. His kiss is much different than the first one , right now he kisses me with urgency as if making up the past two weeks and I like it even if it sucks the oxygen out of me. He stops to catch his breath and let me catch mine. I rest my forehead to his and close my eyes. And I whisper:

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you choose to suffer alone?” I still feel guilty for thinking wrong about him.

He sighs and closes his eyes while still resting his forehead against mine: “I didn’t want to burden you with my own problems.”

I almost scoff but my heart is so hurt at his mother’s sickness to have that kind of attitude. I say instead:

“Please, please don’t say that! You told me once you’ll be my support system, let me be yours, I _want_ to be yours.”

Monty grabs my hand and brushes both thumbs on the back of my hands soothingly and I feel like I’m melting between his hands. 

“It was kind of selfish of me to keep it from you.” He says.

“How is that?”

“ I just want to separate my world with my family and my problems away from my world with you.” 

I don’t get it and he knows that I don’t get it so he simply explains more:

“You’re my .. sanctuary.”

I blush and a slight shiver shakes my whole body, I’ve never thought that he considers me more than the gay assistant who’s drowning with his own drama. Describing me as a sanctuary, that’s ... something to tear up for. But I hold it. Enough tears for today.

He proceeds: “I find talking to you very comforting, there’s a warm feeling that washes over me every time you stop by the cafe to order that ridiculous coffee.” He huffs a chuckle and his warm breath hits me: “ And when you send me text with random shots of the boring game shows or the silly telenovela you’re watching ..”

I interrupt with a smile :” It’s not silly once you get the full story."

"Whatever, I don’t want the two worlds to merge together, that’s all.”

Before I get to beg him to merge my world to the another and make me part of his life and suffer someone interrupts us: “You homosexuals are around every corner.”

It’s Mr.Gibb ascending the stairs barely catching his breath with few groceries bags between his hands. I was too deep in my world with Monty that I didn’t hear his slow heavy steps until he spoke.

“Back in my days, homosexuals were hiding behind closed doors, they would never display their affection.”

Monty and I part away and squeeze ourselves on opposite sides leaving a space between us for Mr.Gibb to pass by.

He reaches the top stairs tiredly: “consider ..” breathes hard: “yourself lucky."

We’re lucky indeed.

I change the gloomy topic: 

“Do you need any help with those bags, Mr.Gibb?” I ask to distract him before he start flooding us with his homophobia. 

“Please, Kyle.”

Monty smiles at the wrong name. I’m glad he finds humour in the old man’s weak memory. I get up, take the bags from him and ask Monty to wait for me. 

Once I put away all the groceries in their right places, Mr.Gibb hands me 50 cents. I take it and before I reach the outdoor I decide to flip it.

I whisper to the coin : “Tell me if it’s time to introduce him to my friends. Head if it’s a yes, tail if it’s a no" 

I toss the coin, it does a quick many flips in the air and lands on the back of my hand, I uncover my other hand and it’s .. a tail.

Oh fuck you! I don’t know how does Monty take you seriously!

I leave Mr.Gibb’s apartment to find Monty still waiting at the same spot.

I sit down beside him and he says: “So today you’re Kyle.”

I shrug with a smile: “I was Liam in the morning too when I ran into him on my way out.”

He laughs shortly then sighs following it with complete silence. We stay as we are for few minutes which was fine until he decides to break the silence: “I don’t want to keep you here, You should get back to your friends.”

Please keep me here, they can wait.

My biggest fear is that he’ll walk out from that door and never come back, even after his explanation, what if things got worse and he decided to keep me away from it? I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to put my head on the pillow thinking that he’s suffering somehow.

“I’ll call you tomorrow.” He says. But part of me doesn’t believe him. 

I nod helplessly, I can’t chain him to my bed, can I? If he’s gone he’s gone.

He stands up, cracks a smile and starts descending the stairs.

So the coin wins, Winston? That piece of metal shit tells you not to introduce him to your friends and you listen to it?! Hell no.

I blurt out: "Would you like to have that cup of coffee that I still owe you?”

Shit! Shit! Maybe he’s tired of his trip, maybe he wants to be alone now, am I inconsiderate for offering him coffee after what he told me about his mother?

He stops, looks back and surprisingly grins:” I would love that!”

I feel relieved after seeing his smile, I stand up and he follows me inside.

They’re still fighting as Monty takes off his jacket and hands it to me to hang it. 

“Guys" I try to have their attentions “This is Monty.”

They look at him and I take a quick scan of their faces Charlie looks like a kid in a Christmas morning before opening his gifts, I bet he’s happy for finally meeting the guy who I’ve been talking to him about constantly. Justin and Clay were looking neutral but welcoming, Alex looks with furrowed brows in concentration as if trying to remember his face, Zach had his poker face which was somehow unsettling but I brush it off. 

"Monty, this is Charlie, Justin, Clay, my roommate Alex.” 

And I thank Monty for pretending that he doesn’t know Alex and hasn’t seen him crying hysterically for Zach.

“And this Zach, you met him before.”

“Yeah of course.” He smiles nicely but Zach doesn’t return the smile, his features shift from being blank to being upset and uncomfortable which was rude.

The others greet him with welcoming smiles and kind phrases except for Alex who was still looking at him in confusion. I don’t expect him to remember Monty due to the state he was in when he first met him, but if he does then .. good for him.

Monty sits in the armchair and I go to the kitchen praying that hell won’t break loose in the living room between him and Zach.

While I put the kettle on the stove, Alex sneaks behind me like a panther.

"Hey.” He starts.

"Hey."

He supports his body against the island next to the stove and with a low voice asks: “correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t that the same guy who was there the night I .." and he moves his hand pointing at his wrist, okay he doesn’t want to mention that night in details.

"Yes, it’s him.”

Alex looks at the ground and asks with clear hesitation: "Are you guys like ... together?”

"No .. yes, I don’t know, maybe" that was the most useless answer anyone would get. But to be honest I really don’t know what are we. We’re friends that’s for sure but are we more than that with the kissing and the unfinished handjob? Or are we on our path to be more than that? I don’t know but I hope so.

He nods in understanding with someone else coming into the kitchen.

It was Charlie with the same happy Christmas face, he stands on my the other side: "Damn Winnie! You’re jumping from hot guy to another. “ he said with a low but excited voice that I hope was low enough not to be heard from the living room.

Alex rolls his eyes in displease and leaves the kitchen pumping into someone else who was coming in too, Justin.

Great, I’m trapped between these 2 idiots.

Justin stands in the same spot that Alex was occupying and eagerly asks: “Is that the ‘come with empty stomach because I’ll fuck you' dude?” 

"Justin! What the hell?! Couldn’t you describe him in another way?” 

Charlie answers Justin: “Yup yup, same dude.”

Justin whistles and winks at me.

I’m just praying that the water boils faster so I could leave these two idiots here in the kitchen.

They talked about how hot and perfect Monty to me. Well, it was Charlie who talked about his hotness but Justin was too comfortable with his heterosexuality that he agreed on everything the former said.

Once the coffee was made and poured into a cup, I head for the door but I hear Justin chanting in a low hushed voice:” Go Winnie, go Winnie.” when I look back to tell him to shut the hell up I see Charlie twerking with the worst moves while the other pretends to smack his tiny flat ass. 

Now I wish if I had a key to lock them for real.

"Guess what Winston, your friend will be playing against us next week.” Zach says as soon as I appear with the coffee. He didn’t seem upset anymore, he seems happy and enjoying his time which was a great relief. 

"Actually,” Monty takes the cup from me and clears his throat: “my team will, I’m not playing.”

"Tough shit, coach benched you?” Zach asks.

I expect Monty to come up with a false excuse but the truth. 

"Nah, team manager banned me from playing.”

And there’s an awkward silence that fills the place, everybody is curious of why he’s banned, they’re looking at him to proceed but none of them is impolite enough to shove his nose into Monty’s life except for Zach

"What for?”

I try to save the situation: “Zach please, this is none of our business."

"It’s okay, Winston.” He tells me, then looks at Zach :” Well, it was two reasons, for starting a fight and drug use.“

"I bet it was steroids!” Justin adds excitedly as if he’s answering a game show :”Most athletes inject themselves with that crap like it’s vitamins. ” 

“I agree, with those pumped up muscles, definitely steroids.” Zach comments while pointing at Monty’s biceps muscles that were perfectly wrapped in a blue flannel.

And I’m so embarrassed by how my friends are nosy to someone they just met 5 minutes ago.

"It wasn’t steroids, it was Heroin.” Monty answers with confidence that made the whole situation even more awkward, I wish he told them to mind their own business instead. 

“So what do you do for a living? I mean if you’re banned from playing, how do you manage your life, financially? Or you’re counting on the Williams fortune?” 

“Zach!” My voice fills the place. This is no longer embarrassing , it’s offensive! For this crap to come out of Zach’s mouth he knows well enough that I can’t lay one finger on a dollar from my family fortune.

Monty chuckles and shakes his head. He’s too calm and relaxed for someone who’s being insulted which provokes Zach even more: “Wait, you’re not a drug dealer, are you?”

Monty isn’t smiling anymore, he tenses up by Zach intrusive approach: “Not my kind of thing.” He stops for few moments as if contemplating whether to say what's in his mind or keep his mouth shut, obviously he chose to speak up: “When I fuck a life, I fuck one life, my own life, I don’t fuck others'. ” 

He looks at Zach with an intensity that I haven’t seen before. I could swear that a fire will burn the whole place.

“And to answer your question, I work as a barista and sometimes a model.”

Finally, Zach looks like he got all the answers he needs. That thing Monty said about fucking others lives, it was about Zach cheating on me and fucking my own life. I don’t expect the others to get his implication but I did and Zach surely did too. As for Alex, I was too busy to control the situation that I didn’t see how upset and distressed he was at what was happening. 

Clay who was silent the whole time, was smart enough to change the topic to something else. Something video games, Monty shifted quickly to the other wave and started talking passionately about it. They talked about FIFA and Call of Duty. The Jensens suggested to hang out someday to play against each other, and Monty welcomed the idea.

Everything turned from tensed to smooth thanks to Clay, they obviously like him and he does too. Except for Zach who failed to make him uncomfortable, and Alex who was sitting silently the whole time.

After one hour of chit chatting, Monty looks at his wrist watch and it was 9:30 PM : “I got to go,” he stands up: “ it was nice meeting you all.” 

“I’ll walk you out.” I stood up after him. 

He wears his jacket and leaves. Once we’re descending the stairs I say: “They seem to like you a lot .” mentally excluding Zach.

He looks behind his shoulder at me with a the most charming smile: “Yeah? Even Zach?”

He doesn’t seem bothered by Zach at all but once he reaches the building door, he stops and wait for me until I follow up and I feel obligated to say: “I’m sorry about what happened up there, Zach isn’t really like that ..he’s genuinely a nice person. it’s just that, you know... "

And I hope he knows, I don’t want to explain it anymore. Zach’s jealousy was obvious to everyone. 

“I know, I’m not surprised” he shrugs: “If I were him, I would do the same or much worse .”

I blush and I try to control my inner self from screaming. Did he just complimented me, indirectly?!

Monty hides both hands in his jacket pockets and quickly skips the topic after seeing how flustered I got by his comment: “Thank you.. for everything, Winston. For listening to me, for introducing me to your friends, and of course for the coffee. But mostly, for forgiving me.”

I want to say something but I forgot how to talk.

He proceeds: “Those 2 weeks were the hardest not seeing you, not talking to you, knowing that you went your way to drop by my place to ask about me .. it really upset me.”

“Oh Diego told you.” Hey look, I can talk now!  
I blush. I don’t want to imagine the conversation between them.

“Sure he did.” He smiles. 

I don’t know what I was expecting, they’re friends and roommates, for God’s sake they cook together every evening, of course he told him. Like I always do with Charlie when I fill him in with every single detail of my life.

He looks at the door: “ I should get going. “ 

“okay.”

Monty doesn’t move for few moments, with a flash look behind me then back to me he seems to made up his mind He gets closer, grab the back of my neck with his hand and pulls me toward him, our lips clash with aggression that I couldn’t care about it. He faintly tastes like the coffee he drank one hour ago. He moves his mouth all over me wetting my lips and its surroundings with saliva . My heart beats so fast, my legs are shaking, and my cock is getting hard. Who would thought a single passionate kiss could get me hard? Is it because I haven’t gotten fucked in months? Or was it the light squeeze of his hand on the back of my neck that screams of dominance?!  
I want more so I sneak my arms behind his back and I pull my body against his, once our bodies make contact he grunts in a low voice which sends shivers down to my spine.

The kiss is long enough to remind me why I suffered the past 2 weeks, it’s worth it. I want this! I want to jump in this ‘relationship’ -if I may call it that- to goodbye kisses by the door, to cry in each others arms, to know that he’ll come back to me. 

He pulls away and my eyes open immediately and land on his wet swollen lips. I want those lips back to mine, I want them all over my body right now. We don’t have to go upstairs, I would be content to make out with him right here by the building door or even better, the floor.

“I’ll call you tomorrow.” He says breathing hard while still holding the back of my neck.

I nod slowly because I believe him, I believe that he won’t hide again. This kiss was a promise for more.

I watch him leaves the building and gets in his car. I’m smiling like an idiot even when he’s gone. Funny how my mood has changed dramatically compared to one hour ago. 

“I knew there was someone!” I jump in surprise at Zach’s voice “He’s the one you left me for, isn’t he?”.

For how long he’s been standing there?! Did he see us kissing? Of course he did. My smile disappears immediately at seeing his expression, he’s upset, maybe angry. He’s standing in the middle of the stairs.

I recover quickly: “I didn’t leave you! You cheated on me, Zach.” I remind him of the sequence of events in case he forgot what really happened.

He takes two steps down slowly: “But If he wasn’t in the picture, would you have forgiven me?”

His question caught me off guard. I want to say no but my tongue won’t move. Maybe because it’s true, I would have forgiven him, but would I trust him again? Definitely not. Monty came to my life at the right time. 

“He’s the one who told you about me and Alex, isn’t he?”

Zach isn’t stupid. He connected the dots when he showered Monty with those personal questions. I’m sure he remembered him from the cafe he used to meet Alex at discreetly.

“It doesn’t matter.” I scatter my gaze around. I don’t want him to hate Monty. Because I foolishly wish if they would be friends in the future.

He takes 3 more steps and reaches the end of the stairs: “It was his plan, I check out he checks in!”

I regain my composure at his offensive metaphor: “I’m not a hotel Zach!”

“No, you’re not.” Now he feels ridiculous.

Few moments of silence then I say: “Just to be clear, I didn’t break up with you for him, I broke up with you because you fucked up, you fucked everything we had with one single drunk mistake.” Suddenly, all the bad feelings and pain is back. I’m trembling slightly, am I really that upset or just cold because I thought walking Monty out of the building would take 2 minutes and it’s not worth wearing my coat, but here I am, facing Zach who probably ended the night just to follow us.

“You need to let go! you need to get over me and set your mind on Alex. What are you even doing here having this conversation with me?! You should be upstairs with Alex having the best time!” my voice shivers, there was a time when he was upstairs with me on Friday nights, between my arms. How did we get here?! I whisper: “Please, just .. let go.”

Let go because I want to live believing that everyone of us is in the right place with the right person. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking away from an exploded building like the fucking stars in action movies.

“You’ll regret this Winston, you’ll regret selling me over one single mistake for that ... drug addict.” He says clenching his teeth.

“Don’t call him that!” I react with tension" it was a mistake. One fucking mistake!"

“And what I did was a one fucking mistake too.” He raises his voice.

I can’t believe we’re having this conversation, we’ve never raised our voices at each other during our relationship. 

I take few deep breaths to calm myself down. Anyone could hear our conversation at this voice tone. I say:

“But you hurt me. Zach. I was directly affected by your mistake.”

“And you’ll be affected by his someday, mark my word."

He storms out of the building leaving me no chance to explain to him why he fucked up our relationship. 

I sit on the stairs trying to compose myself before going upstairs. Zach had to ruin the night for me it wasn’t enough for him to harass Monty. Once I feel relaxed enough I go up to my apartment, they all are waiting in suspension waiting for me except Alex who’s probably in his room.

"Where’s Alex?” I ask first.

They awkwardly look at each other then Charlie points at his room silently. 

So Zach didn’t just fuck up things with me, he also fucked it up with Alex. Alex is upset and I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t like to see the guy I’m dating acting the way he did with Monty. It was jealousy at its finest.

I sigh and throw myself on the couch beside Charlie and Clay, while Justin took control of my armchair.

No one says anything for 2 minutes and I’m grateful for the silence.

"Monty seems like a nice guy.” Clay breaks the silence with his usual innocence.

I smile to myself and nod in agreement. He’s nice, he’s gentle, he’s hot. He’s everything , he’s the full package. 

"He’s hot too.” Charlie adds.

I almost laugh at our telepathy.

"What the fuck is wrong with Zach though?” Justin changes the topic drastically and my smile disappears. Thank you, Justin.

I sigh :” I don’t know.”

Justin leans forward to talk in a low voice: “I thought you guys are good after the break up, he’s dating Alex, you’re dating someone else, so what’s the problem?”

"He’s possessive, that’s the problem.” Charlie answers for me.

I stand up feeling fed up by listening to Zach and his behaviour: ” I need to check up on Alex.”

Charlie shakes his head:” I wouldn’t recommend that. You’re the last person he wants to see right now, along with Zach of course.”

As painful as it sounds it’s something to be expected. This isn’t my fault though I don’t blame Alex if he doesn’t want to see me right now. But I hope he won’t hold me accountable for Zach’s childish actions. I don’t want to lose Alex, our relation is getting better lately.

_Ding_

I take my phone which was laying on the coffee table.

_'I hope that kiss was enough to let him realize that you’re mine now.’_

It was Monty.

‘You’re mine now.’

My feet are shaking, I need to sit but I would rather run to my room and hide under the blankets as my face was turning to a crimson color.  
Monty kissed me to mark me as his knowing that Zach was watching, this is new to me, Monty is all for this.

I’m all for this.


	14. Chapter 14

Monty kept his promise, he called me next morning at 8 AM after sending me a selfie of him sticking his tongue out at the cafe looking cute and dorky, this is a new side of him that I get to explore. He’s been working 12 hours shifts to make up for his 2 weeks off. I wish if I was financially stable to help him out but more importantly I wish if we were in that place of a relationship where we lend each other money without expecting it to be returned back. Did I say relationship? Yes I did! After that text of him claiming me as his I can’t see us as mere friends. I didn’t tell Charlie about the text and what happened between us at the building door, part of me wants to keep that a special secret only to myself. I want to always remember when our relationship started in the right direction.

I hear the sound of the apartment door opening and closing, it must be Alex, I haven’t talked to him yet, he was out the time I woke up. I leave the room and I find Zach by the hanger hanging his jacket. The beauty of your ex dating your roommate is he doesn’t need to give you back his copy of the key, because he’ll use it anyway to see your roommate.

"Good morning.” He starts then looks at his watch: “or should I say good afternoon?” okay, attempting to joke is his way to break the ice.

"It’s 11:55 AM, so it’s a good morning to you too.” I say while heading to the kitchen “Coffee?”

" I’m good, just had a cup before coming here.” He follows me though and sits on the chair. 

I should be mad at him I should ignore him but I can’t, it’s either because I have a special place for him in my heart as a friend, Or the fact that Monty made my whole week after dropping by yesterday then blessing me with a selfie first thing in the morning.

"Where’s Alex?” he asks.

"Out. It’s his turn to go grocery shopping.” He’s been out for 3 hours, that’s too long for grocery shopping but he’s an adult, I won’t call and worry about him, maybe he wants some alone time.

He hums in understanding. Few minutes of silence but I wasn’t bothered by it.

Zach clears his throat: “ Are you still mad at me?”

I sigh putting the kettle on the stove: “You wouldn’t be sitting here in my kitchen if I was mad.”

“True.” He places both his hands on the table to toy with a bottle of sauce that was left out since yesterday: “ I’m sorry ... about yesterday.”

While I appreciate his apology after upsetting me, I say: “I’m not the one you should apologise to.” I spin around to look at him: “It’s Monty and Alex.”

He exhales what seems a trapped breath, places his elbows on the table and cover his face: “I know! I fucked up!” he uncovers his face: “ I brought him this.” pointing at the box of chocolate on the table. 

It’s a square red box of some fancy brand that probably costs a lot.

"Some things never change.” I can’t hide my smile.

This is Zach’s way of apology, a box of chocolate. The amount of boxes he brought for me is insane but they all managed to fix his mistakes. 

  
“Yeah.” He sighs and fidgets with his fingers, he wants to say something but I’m guessing he doesn’t trust his tongue to be tamed but he says it anyway: “Is it serious?” he looks at me “The thing between you and .. Monty?”

I didn’t miss the way he pronounced Monty’s name with unfamiliarity.

“I believe it is.” I resist shrugging my shoulders, Monty made an effort to convince Zach that what we had was true and serious. If it wasn’t for the last kiss I wouldn’t think it’s serious.

He nods: “I hope it works out for you this time. You deserve the best.”

I blush and look at the floor not daring to meet his eyes. 

One week passed, Zach and Alex made up, the box of chocolate and Zach’s charming smile did wonders. Monty is back to his usual self which means texting me every hour, we’re developing in the right direction, there are nights when we stay late texting each other with random topics. I forgot how wonderful it feels to wait for a text from someone you’re crushing on. The thing is, I’m not crushing on Monty, I’m falling for him and it’s too soon to admit it. To me, falling in love with someone isn’t about how long you’ve known them, it’s about how many times they were there when you needed them the most, how they fixed you after you broke down, how many times they picked you up after your fall.

He finally asked me on a date, I thought he never would any time soon due to the situation with his mother and his long hours shifts.

He asked me to drop by his place on Saturday evening at 8 PM, which is his only day off. He told me that he’ll cook dinner for me. What he doesn’t realize is that I want him to fuck me more than to cook for me. It’s been a very long time since I got laid. 

I dressed in a white jeans with a yellow sweater. Finally, that sweater is getting the love it deserves. I didn’t tell anyone except Charlie about this date, he doesn’t know the exact date though and I did it in purpose, I don’t want him to pressure me with his wait for updates. I want it to be smooth and private. Am I a bad friend?!

Alex saw me before I left the apartment, he asked where I was going and I told him for an evening walk. Wait and see when this ‘walk' takes more than 2 hours.

Once I reached the door of his apartment, I take a deep breath to help me relax, then I knock. Three knocks and I wait.

I hear a muffled “I’ll get it.” from the inside, within seconds Diego opens the door with a smile.

“Hey Winston, good to see you!”

  
I feel welcomed and I blush at the fact that he’s wearing a tight white t-shirt, why does he have to flaunt those muscles like that?!

“Good to see you too, Diego.”

“Come in, Monty is in the kitchen.” I pass him while he closes the door behind me “just give me 5 minutes to grab some things and I’ll leave you two alone.” 

Oh, he’s going out. He’s leaving the place for us, how thoughtful. 

I head for the kitchen knowing exactly where it is, I’ve been here before and the low sound of music playing led me to it.

I stand by the door taking in the domestic scene, Monty wearing jeans with tight gray t-shirt that was clearly tight enough to sculptures his abs, I’ve seen those abs before even though the apron he’s wearing is covering up the beautiful view, but that’s okay sooner or later he’ll have to take it off. He was walking around the kitchen gracefully preparing the ingredients for the dinner. 

"Hey Winston!” he says once his eyes land on me standing like a creep by the door.

"I hope I’m not too early" I’m not, it’s 8:10 PM, I am purposely 10 minutes late.

"No you came in the perfect time.” You too came into my life in the perfect time. Is it hot in here or am I just swooning internally while I watch him takes few steps closer to get to me.

"Erm .. I brought beers" I say raising the six beer pack to distract myself from the fact that less than a meter is what separates us “Same beer you drank that other night.” I care, I noticed because I care. Please realize that!

His face lits with pure joy, the idea of someone noticing his beer preference and cares enough to bring it to him must be nice to him.

"You remembered..” he takes the pack from my hand with a smile then put it aside.

"Of course I do.” I remember every single detail of that perfect night I kept replaying in my head almost every night.

"I .. missed you.” He says circling his arms around my hips and pulls me slightly to him.

Okay, this escalated so fast, we were talking about his beer and now he’s talking about how he missed me.

"I missed you too" good thing I was able to form a sentence. 

He looks at my lips while wetting his with his tongue, a thud sound comes from the living room interrupts the inevitable and ruins the moment.

"Sorry!” Diego shouts from his place.

Monty sighs: “He was supposed to leave before your arrival. I asked him to spend the night with Martina.“

A slight shiver runs through my whole body that I hope Monty couldn’t sense it, he wants the whole place for us. Just us! If that doesn’t mean something I don’t know what it does.

“That’s okay.” I smile shaking my head.

“Okay Okay, I’m all set I’m leaving now.” He says in the hallway, then stops at the kitchen door looking at us almost glued to each other:” Enjoy your date, good luck" and he winks.

My face is burning with the implication now. Once the door is shut, Monty grabs my face and kisses me, it’s different than the others kisses we shared, this one speaks volumes of longing. While I part my lips for more he withdraws with a hooded eyes and swollen glistening lips: “We’ll get back to that, as for now ..” his features change as he walks away to the table “I have to feed you.”

Why does he have to be such a tease?! Can’t he kiss me properly? Can he just bend me over the kitchen table and fuck me until I can’t walk anymore?!

I clear my throat trying to regain my composure: “What are we cooking?”

“ _We_ are not cooking anything, _I’m_ cooking Pastitsio. As for you, you can make yourself comfortable in the living room.”

“Can I ... stay here? If it doesn’t bother you.” 

“sure, if you want to.”

  
***Flashback***

I’m sitting on my bed while Charlie is looking into my closet for an outfit he wants to burrow for a blind date. 

“I really want to make the first move this time, but I feel paralyzed every time we’re alone.” I complain.

“Just do it, what stopping you?” Charlie says with his back to me while taking out one of my shirts to try it on.

“I don’t know, I don’t want to be .. thirsty, beside .. he’s going through some ... stuff and I’m not sure he’s ready for something big like sex.”

“Oh please!” he spins around to look at me: “He asked you to come to his apartment and told you he’s cooking for you, I’m sure his intentions aren’t that innocent.”

“You think so?” Charlie is probably right, why would he invite me to his place when we can meet at any cafe.

“You have to make the first move but in a very, VERY smooth subtle way!” he sits on the bed opposite to me. 

“Okay, what do I do?” he has my full attention now, I adjust my position to listen carefully.

“Give him something to heat him up, something to stir his desire, something to ...”

I interrupt: “Like what? Stop with the cooking terms.” 

“Alright, first .. you have to let him know that you’re ready, you have to give him an idea about your boundaries and the things you’re willing to do. Start with plan A!”

Charlie seems to know what he’s saying, he has Plan A and definitely there are B and C.

“What’s plan A?”

“Popsicles! suck on a popsicle. Suck on it as if your life depending on that glucose! In other words, Let him imagine your mouth on his dick.”

Okay, I take it back, he doesn’t know what he’s saying.

I shiver at the image of me on my knees sucking him off in his kitchen, I shake that image from my head: “Charlie that’s ..... “

“Hot? Sexy? I know! You’re lucky you’re being taught by the master of seduction.”

***End of flashback***

Okay, I can do this. 

“Do you have popsicle?” I blurt out.

He looks at me behind his shoulder while standing by the oven: “Popsicle?”

I nod.

“We don’t eat that kind of ... junk.”

Okay Mr.I'm careful about what I put in my body.

I remember asking Charlie if popsicles weren’t available, what’s the alternative?! He said, and I quote: ‘Come on, be creative, ask him for a banana or anything that looks like a dick.’

“Do you have a banana?” God I feel stupid and annoying because he stops what he’s doing to spin around and cross his arm over his chest with a smile:  
“Are you trying to fill your stomach before dinner?”

“No, of course not. It’s just that ... I’m kind of hungry. “

And I have to seduce you based on Master Charlie’s plan.

“Okay.” He handed me one and goes back to what he was doing.

I unpeel it and wait for him to look at my direction so I could start the show.

In 2 minutes he comes my direction to take something on the table. I start applying the lesson by attempting to bite the head of the banana, I keep my mouth on it trying to give him the illusion that I’m sucking his dick’s head.

He looks at me and smiles innocently, clearly clueless about my pathetic show. I blush immediately and bite into it, chew it and swallow. The show is done.

***Flashback***

“What if the popsicle or the banana doesn’t work?” I ask in slight panic. What coming will be dangerously obvious to him and not subtle at all.

“Then It’s time for plan B, look for anything white in color preferably thick in consistency, I don’t know melted cheese, cream ... etc”

“And then what?”

He smiles in a sly pervert way: “You’ll lick some and purposely miss your mouth, this will take his imagination to other places, a place where you’re licking yourself clean from his cum."

“This started to sound like a low budget porn movie.” I try to hide my embarrassment. He can’t call that subtle and smooth. That’s too obvious in a very cheap way.

“Actually yeah, I saw that in a porn movie.” 

My master is inspired by porn movies, then it must work out, right? Not really.

  
***End of flashback***

I stand up, walks to him while he stirs a white sauce.

“looks delicious.” 

“It tastes delicious too! It’s called _béchamel_ sauce.” he says proudly and I can’t skip the way he pronounces the word ‘béchamel’. He’s getting hotter with every minute. Starting from cooking for me wearing apron -because he cares about his outfit, that’s a turn on- , and now he knows what he’s doing. Okay, I need to shut up! This attempt in seduction will be worth it.

I hum, he grabs a spoon, takes some sauce from the pot, blow on it, then brings the spoon to my mouth to give me a taste.

I blush thinking how the universe plays in my favor. I open my mouth while maintaining eye contact with him. I hope I look sexy this way because this is it, Winston! Forget what all your nannies had taught you about eating.

I lean to the side at the last moment and score! He missed my mouth, well, technically that doesn’t make it a ‘score'. A trail of white thick liquid descending my mouth.

“Oh!” I say while licking it clean slowly and innocently .

Monty was watching but I can’t see any kind of reaction, in fact he handed me a napkin because I was acting like an uncultured swine with my tongue sticking out circling my lips.

***Flashback***

“What if plan B doesn’t work?”

“We go for plan C, you’ll help him with cooking,”

“I suck at cooking you know that.” 

He gets close and says in a low threatening tone: “Do you want to suck at your sex life too?” 

I shake my head silently.

“Then listen to me.” I nod in concentration “unfortunate events specifically accidents are good start for something .. amazing.” He’s glorifying his methods, I should stop him but I’m interested “Grab something hot, burn your hand, or cut yourself just a teeny tiny cut and ...”

“This is ridiculous” I lost my interest.

“Moan in pain, moan like you’re being fucked with the biggest cock. It’s how you get someone into your bed, or his bed in your case.”

I don’t like this, too risky and dangerous. I want to skip to plan D! D .. D no pun intended.

“What if plan C didn’t work?”

“Then he’s too dumb for not taking a hint and he’s not worth your time, you should dump him right in the spot and sign up on a dating site or something.”

***End of flashback***

I swallow nervously: “Would you like some help?”

“Nah I’m good.”

“Please, I insist! Anything.”

"You’re my guest, I can do this.”

This isn’t the time to be self-sufficient, Monty! You’re ruining the plan.

I stand up, wipe my hand with my jeans because they started to sweat: “I don’t want to feel useless, please."

He thinks for a moment, then says: “Okay, you can help me with the salad."

YES!!! Plan C, here I am.

“I’m on it." I walk to the sink and wash my hands with soap.

“Cut the vegetables over there to small pieces. And be careful with the knife, I sharpened them this morning." 

Perfect, Monty! This is just perfect.

I stand with my back to him while he’s busy with the oven. Charlie, this better work.I’m spilling blood for a fuck.

I grab the knife and start cutting the tomatoes preparing myself to Plan C, after the tomatoes, it’s the cucumber turn. I take a deep breath and aim the knife at my finger, I squeeze my eye shut, count to 3 and ... There! 

“Fuck!!!!!” I scream and throw the knife that clatters on the kitchen floor. This isn’t how things were supposed to be, I was supposed to moan not curse! My eyes are still shut thinking I’ve been cut before with a lot of sharp objects but this feels different, it’s burning, and the warm sensation of the blood seeping from the cut makes me squeeze my eyes shut even more.

What the fuck did I just do?! I can’t believe I let Charlie convince me into doing this!!! This is the kind of shit a hormonal teenager Winston will do for his crush to get his attention, not adult Winston.

While I was mentally cursing Charlie and stupid Winston, Monty came to my side with a tea towel between his hands, he wraps my finger and says: “I got this, come.” I open my eyes and I feel like crying, not because I’m in pain but because I’m stupid and I shouldn’t have done any of that.  
Monty pulls my elbows and leads me to sit on the chair. He disappears for less than a minute and come back with the first aid kit. He pulls a chair to sit opposite to me, first thing I noticed is how his knee rubs mine, then the red color seeping through the white color of the towel caught my attention. I freak out a little. What if we ended up in the emergency room because my cut needs a stitch or two?! I don’t know how deep and bad the cut is but the bleeding doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime sooner.

“It’s okay, you’re alright” he says in a soothing tone. My panic is showing.

“But It won’t stop!” I say in panic that I tried so hard to hide but I failed.

“It will. Just keep the pressure.”

He disinfects the cut, and I miss the sting feeling of alcohol because I was too occupied looking at him while he works.

“For someone who took care of his friend’s deeper cut, you’re a little panicky.” He says with a smile trying to lighten up the mood.

I blush and look away.

He’s talking about Alex and that night I found him cutting himself in the bathroom. I was calm, maybe I panicked a little but it didn’t show. Being the one who’s injured is different, beside Monty’s presence that night had a calming effect over the whole place.

  
“I told you to be careful. I told you they’re sharp.” Now I feel like he’s scolding me, this started to feel like a porn with a daddy kink.  
  
“I got distracted" I try to justify my clumsiness. 

He doesn’t say anything for 5 minutes while dressing the wound. I think he’s upset with me. I’m upset with myself too.

“There, all fixed up.” He says with a smile tapping my knee. 

Okay, he’s not upset after all. Drama mode has been deactivated.

I grin: “Thank you.” 

“Now, you can either sit here like a good boy and wait for me till I finish cooking our dinner, or you can make yourself comfortable in the living room.”

'Good boy' .. definitely daddy kink vibes.

I choose the living room, not because I don’t want to be in the same room as he is, it’s just I feel like I wasted his time. I want to be alone with my thoughts for some time thinking about all the things and curses I'll direct to Charlie once I'm done with this date.

His living room says a lot about him and Diego. A lot of football related stuff framed and hanged on the wall there’s a famous player’s shirt, cover of a magazine, newspaper articles, and their teammates photos. And then there’s a whole wall for their photos together and their mutual friends only. I see Monty with Bryce, a blond tall guy, and Diego. Then there’re few ones of him looking younger, probably during high school. Based on my observation, he looked much happier as an adult more than as a high school student, he smiled in almost every photo but it’s the sincerity of it what makes them different. He told me once that he grew up in an abusive household and I’m assuming it’s the reason behind that fake smile, his past is something I really want to talk to him about but I don’t know how to bring it up to him, and I definitely won’t invade his privacy and ask him directly. But there’re few photos where he looks young and joyful, he’s laughing carrying another blond guy on his back but not the same tall big guy with Bryce. Under that photo another one wearing the same outfits both sitting on a white fence while Diego is standing on the right flashing the camera with his abs, the blond is looking at him laughing but Monty is looking at the blond smiling in a dreamy way, could that be .....

"That’s Scotty.”

I jump in my place even though his voice was so calm. Monty stands beside me and looks at the photos with me. 

"So that’s Scott ..”I say absentmindedly, I figured that.

He hums and bury his hands in his pocket. He’s not wearing his apron anymore. 

"That’s Bryce and this is Luke. And you know Diego.” He points at them. But I don’t care about who are they, all my concentration is on Scott. I wonder how he feels looking at his picture hanged up here everyday, he told me that he got over him but we lie, everyone lies. Especially me when I say that I’m not slightly bothered by this.

"Do you miss those days?” I ask still looking at the photos. 

I already know the answer, if he doesn’t miss them why would he dedicate a whole wall for pictures of those times?!

He thinks for a moment then shrugs: “I miss the simplicity of it, back when my biggest worry was my grades.”

"And what’s your biggest worry now?” I look at the profile of his face.

"Right now?” he looks at me “my biggest worry is whether we’ll be able to eat dinner before it gets cold.”

I chuckle but I don’t press it much. He made an effort to cook dinner and I won’t ruin it by bringing back the past he clearly doesn’t want to speak about.

************

“This is .. extremely delicious.” I say after swallowing the first bite.

“Yeah? I’m glad you like it.” He blushes a little.

"I really appreciate the modification you did to this dish.”

He looks at me questioning while chewing his food.

"You know .. substituting the meat with vegetables.” I explain more.

His blush deepens in color and I think I enjoy watching him getting shy a little too much. It’s nice to be on the bold side here.

After dinner, we decided to watch a movie, he told me to choose but I was too embarrassed to tell him that I’m into romance comedy only so I pretended that I want to watch an action movie instead. I don’t need to say that I was bored to death, it was a 3 fucking hours movie. While Monty was too invested in it I was stifling my yawns one by one, struggling to keep my eyes open too. At some point I lost the battle and drifted into a deep sleep. Nothing woke me up except the accidental clatter sound of the plates and utensils being moved and put into the kitchen sink , I found myself alone lying on the couch with the TV muted on a news channel and a warm blanket draped over me. No wonder I was in a deep sleep for ... I check my watch, it is 12:45 AM. I was in a deep sleep for 2 hours. Oh God!

Out of 10, how bad is it to fall asleep in the middle of your date? 100 out of 10! 

I get up quickly, fix my hair on the window reflection and head to the kitchen where Monty was standing by the sink humming a song. He’s not upset that’s for sure.

“Hey.” I say in a low voice standing by the kitchen door.

He looks at me behind his shoulder :” You’re up. I guess my choice of the movie was too boring to you.”

I feel awful even if he’s joking:” I’m sorry, the movie was great it’s just I’m..”

“Relax, I’m teasing you.”

I relax as I was told then I come inside: “Would you like some help?”

  
“Thanks, just sit and make yourself comfortable. “

I don’t want to sit, I don’t want to look at his back and drift into another world thinking about all the stuff I could do to and for him.

“Please, I can help with drying the dishes.”

I promise not to be clumsy.  
  
“Alright.” he throws a tea towel at my direction and I grab it, then shifts away a little to create a room for me to stand beside him. 

Standing there by his side, listening to him humming songs I don’t even know did weird things to my stomach. He’s so relaxed and I like this side of him. I like every single side of him.

It took us 10 minutes to finish what we started, it’s not like he cooked dinner for 20 guests.

He’s drying his hand with another tea towel while looking at me drying the last glass as if waiting for me to finish the task. I feel nervous and I’m pretending that I’m busy not aware of him watching me but for how long? How many minutes does a single glass needs to be completely dried off with a towel?? 10 minutes? I put it away then I look at him with a small smile.

“How’s your hand?” he starts pointing at it with his chin.

“I .. forgot about it.” Honestly I did.

He nods putting his towel away then gets closer, my heartbeat quickens as I lean back against the kitchen island while he stands few centimetres away in front of me placing both hands on the island I’m leaning on trapping me with his eyes before his body. He looks at me in a way that I know very well, the look of lust. I lick my lips in anticipation and it didn’t go unnoticed to him as his gaze went from my eyes to my lips. 

With a low voice he says: “Those stunts you pulled ...” shaking his head in what it seems disbelief while still looking at my lips.

I gulped: “What stunts?”

My heartbeats quickens by what he’s doing and saying.

"I’m not stupid, the popsicle? The sauce?”

Okay, no mention of purposely cutting myself for him and I won’t mention it too because last thing I want to happen is for him to kick me out of his place.

I summon all my courage: “No you’re not stupid but you’re a good actor with unbelievable self restraint to pretend that I was doing nothing.”

The moment those words came out of my mouth I was shocked by how bold I am. The fact that I said what I said while looking at his lips too made me even bolder.

Monty leans forward and I do the same to meet up in the middle. The moment our lips sealed together I feel the warmth washing over my whole body. He controls the kiss as he did before and I reciprocate to his own pace . While he slips his tongue inside I moan in a low voice that I doubt he heard it. But he did! He did because he’s pushing his body against mine and shoves his tongue deeper while rubbing his thigh on my crotch. I feel the blood draining from my whole body to my cock, it’s painful to be trapped in these tight jeans. I want them off, I want everything off! But I don’t want our first time to be in the kitchen so I push him away a little, he looks at me in confusion, I say breathlessly: “Take me to your bed.”

At this point I don’t care how needy and thirsty I sounded. I want this and I won’t deny myself the pleasure of being fucked by him.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who sucks at writing smut???? Meeeee 🙋🏻♀️ so, my apologies in advance 🦧

Monty grabs my hand and leads the way without a word. My heart is thudding stronger with each step we take toward his room. Once we’re inside, he leaves the lights off and chooses to turn on the bedside lamp creating a romantic intimate atmosphere. This is what I’ve been dreaming of the last few months. Me, him, and no one else. His room is the same as it was but it looks tidier than the last time I saw it, But who cares? All I need is a bed and him on top of me. Obviously he made an effort to put everything in order because he was expecting this, he knew we’ll end up in his room .. on his bed. 

Monty pushes me gently to his bed and I lie down waiting for him to join me. My eyes instinctively went from his face to his crotch while he stands by the edge of the bed looking at me, he was hard, probably harder than me and I thought I was the horny one. He takes off his shirt in a glimpse of an eye without breaking the eye contact with me. I take the scene in front of me. His slightly dishevelled hair after getting out of that tight t-shirt, his eyes filled with want, his rapid breathing trying to cover it up, his tight abs who’s clearly working hard for it and finally his trapped hard on in that jeans. We both seem to struggle with these tight jeans, so why not skip this part and take them off?!

After few moments of admiring me lying on his bed in what felt like hours and hours he finally joins me. I catch his lips in another aggressive passionate kiss the moment his knees dip the mattress with his weight. We fight for dominance with our tongues but I win the fight not because I want to control it but because I’m so turned on and I want to explore his mouth while my hands explore his body. I run my hands over his naked muscular back, and I feel his back muscles flexing by every moment he makes and with every inch my hand travels, I feel some skin irregularities. At some point he pulls his lips away then comes back for his turn in shoving his tongue into my mouth, I accept it because I start to feel his hand sneaking under my sweater but above my shirt, I shiver at the feeling of his warm hand roaming on my chest. 

He pinches my left nipple above the clothes and I react immediately with a whimper I can’t take the teasing anymore so I pull his hand away, strip myself from my sweater throwing it on the floor not caring that it’s a $400 Cashmere sweater. He attacks my mouth again while I start unbuttoning my shirt without breaking the kiss.

The moment I’m done with unbuttoning the last button, he pulls away and takes the matter in his hands spreading my shirt open to start kissing and giving me love bites on my chest. I breathe hard while he licks both nipples and tease them with his tongue.

Suddenly, I feel useless for not making the best of it and touch him. I grab a fistful of his hair from the back of his head to keep him where he is. But he doesn’t seem to like that so he pushed against my hand and sits on his knees to unbuckle my belt, Okay he doesn’t like to be under someone else control, I need to work on that. It took him few seconds to unbuckle, unbutton, and unzip my jeans. He was fast and efficient, or he was fast and so turned on at that moment. What’s the difference?!

With one tug he pulls down my jeans along with my boxers and my cock stands proudly while he pulls away a little to look at it as if he hasn’t seen one before. He gives it a lustful look, I didn’t take him the kind of guy who would stop in the heat of the moment to admire my body, I’m starting to feel exposed. The fact that I’m fully naked while he’s still wearing his jeans makes me blush.

"Take it off.” I say to distract him from looking at me like a main course while tugging the hem of his jeans.

He gently pushes my hand, chooses to unzip his pants and takes out his cock only while still wearing his pants . He’s big. Slightly bigger than Zach not that I like to compare them. The stubbles of hair around it makes it even hotter. And I feel the urge to swallow him whole and give him the best blowjob he’ll ever receive.

But Monty has other plans, he leans down to mouth my neck, the feel of his lips contacting the most sensitive part of my neck sends electricity through my whole body, I find myself moaning his name while arching my back to demand more and I purposely grind my cock to his. He does it again with a suck that will definitely leave a mark to remind me of how hot this moment was.

Monty’s hand goes down to my hip and stills me from grinding, he circles my cock and gives it few strokes, he doesn’t have to work on it because it’s already hard and ready to spill if he continues his movement. 

“Do you have condoms?” I ask barely able to form two words. I’m cutting to the chase, I’m so turned on and I don’t need him to take his sweet time with foreplay.

He looks lost for a moment as if I’m speaking a language he doesn’t understand. I love the effect I have on him, he nods and leans over the nightstand to retrieve one with a lube.

I close my eyes and take deep breaths while the silent room is filled with the sound of pop, squirt then the rusttle of bedsheet, he’s adjusting himself between my legs and I do my part by spreading them out, I know the drill.

"This will be .. cold.” He says and I can hear the nervousness in his voice.

As if it’s my first time being fingered or fucked by a guy, but wait! I open my eyes and he’s flushed with slight tremble. It may not be my first time but it’s most probably his, but I won’t say anything so he won’t get more nervous. At least not for now.

I nod quickly: “It’s alright.”

He pushes one finger all at once and I wince slightly at the feeling of being stretched it’s been a while since anything was inside there, even my finger, and the fact that he pushed it all at once was a reason too but again ...

"Should I stop?” he asks worriedly.

Definitely his first. But keep your mouth shut, Winston. You can educate him later.

"No no, keep going, I’m ready for another one.” To be honest I’m ready for your dick but I’m just playing along.

He adds another one and I move my ass up and down to give a clue to finger me properly. He understands my body language and put a hand on my chest to still me while his two fingers fuck me. He accidentally hit my prostate and I arch in pleasure with a grunt. He leans down and catch my lips in a heated kiss then does it again, hitting my prostate to get a loud moan that could be heard by the neighbours. 

"Please .. please" I pant with closed eyes.

"Please what? What do you need?” he pulls away and I open my eyes to see a smug smile drawn on those perfect lips.

"Fuck me, please. Fuck .. me” I breathe out daring to look at him.

He doesn’t need to be told twice, his fingers leave my ass and I whimper at the empty feeling.

I close my eyes taking another deep breaths while holding the base of my cock to prevent it from ejaculation. Just the sounds of the condom wraps being teared and thrown away, then the slick sound of it rolling on his perfect cock is too much for me. 

He raises both my thighs up and I circle them around his hip to trap him in just in case he’s in the mood for more teasing.

I can hear him breathing hard, he’s losing it just like me. I grin to myself but my wide smile turns into an open O mouth shape when half his cock enters me with one push.

Monty grunts but doesn’t pull out, he leans down contacting his chest with mine, he’s burning hot and wet with sweat. He goes to my ear and whispers with a clenched teeth: “Fuck, you’re .. so .. tight!”

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I haven’t been fucked since Zach, or the fact that his hot breath with that comment hit that sensitive spot but I feel the heat centring in my lower abdomen, my cock twitches, and within 2 seconds a warm shots of cum hit his stomach and back to mine. 

He stops, pulls away slightly, and supports his body with both hands to look at me properly and make sure if the hot liquid he felt was what he thinks it is.

I can’t read his face.

I came, Monty.

I came within seconds of your penetration, take it as a compliment, please!

**************

I wake up by the constant vibration of my phone. The room is dim but only lightened by the thin light invading the space through a small gap in the curtains.

I try to move slightly to get my phone in my jeans pocket which is still thrown on the floor from yesterday but my movements is restricted by Monty’s arm draped over me.

I sigh at the memory of last night and the way it ended, I blush and squeeze my eyes shut trying to shake it off.

***Flashback***

"I’m sorry.” I pant in shock “I’m sorry.”

I can’t believe I came in seconds, this is the worst nightmare for any guy. 

He pulls out quietly and says :” It’s fine.”

I watch Monty takes off his condom and I was so close to ask him to leave it on because I want to do it again.

He moves away but I grab his wrist: “No! it’s not fine, I’m not .. I’m not like this,” I’m not lying “It’s just been a long time and I don’t know why it happened...”

I can’t read his face, is he upset? Disappointed? Disgusted?

He chuckles dryly :” You don’t say.”

Still unreadable! Is that a joke because he finds it funny how much of control I lost? Or is it a salty comment because he’s disappointed in our first time?!

I blush in embarrassment either way, but I have the courage to say: “Please, give me 2 minutes to ... recover from the sensitivity and we ...”

"Winston seriously,” he interrupts me: “It’s fine, we can try again another time.” He gently shifts running away from my touch.

"But .. You didn’t finish..." I say while my hands touches his clothed thigh.

Now this is something a porn star would say to the other guy, I hate Charlie and his effect on me with his stupid plans.

" I’ll take care of it" his hand reaches my hair and pushes it back in a tender way that makes me lean into his touch involuntary “You’re tired, sleep.”

Before I get to object he stands and leaves the room. I lie down looking at the ceiling with mixed feeling, embarrassment, confusion, and anger at myself.

My eyes can’t stay open anymore. 

***End of flashback***

Monty stirs in his sleep, and I can’t keep my eyes shut anymore, I look at his face looking peaceful. 

I don’t know when did he come back and slept beside me, I was in deep sleep, did he take care of himself when he said he will?! Or did he just take a cold shower? I can smell his shampoo from my place and it does weird things to my stomach. 

He stirs again and shifts to his other side letting his back face me. And my eyes fall on this long ugly scar running from the top left of his shoulder to the right lower waist. So this is what I was feeling when I was moving my hands over his whole back. I had to resist the urge to trace my finger on it.

My phone vibrates 3 more times. It’s an off day, Jonathan shouldn’t be sending me anything so who is it?! Who’s so persistent to ruin this morning for me?! I sigh and fetch it from my pants on the floor. Checking the time first, it is 9:10 AM. I unlock my screen to read my messages. They are all from our group chat.

***The squad***

**Charlie** : S.O.S I NEED YOU GUYS!! Seriously, I NEED YOU!!!!

 **Clay** : what’s up?

 **Charlie** : what are you up to Clay?

 **Clay** : * _posts a selfie of himself smiling awkwardly while wearing a formal shirt with a black necktie_ * Job interview.

 **Charlie** : GOOD LUCK🤞🏻!!

 **Alex** : good luck Clay 👍🏻

 **Charlie** : what about the others?

 **Zach** : * _posts a selfie of him with sunglasses and a hat while Alex behind him busy looking at something on the ground_ * hiking.

 **Justin** : ugghh why didn’t you guys tell me?! I wanna go hiking too!!

 **Clay** : Justin, do you want to be the third wheel?

 **Justin** : Not gonna steal your job!!

 **Charlie** : Boooooom!!! 🤭🤭🤭

 **Clay** : ha ha!!!!!!! Very funny!

 **Charlie** : what about you Justin? What are u up to?

 **Justin** : I’m busy.

 **Charlie** : with what?

 **Justin** : I have some stuff to deal with

 **Clay** : bullshit!!! he’s at the coffee house near our apartment, he told me he wants to try the new flavor of their muffin! So what flavor is it Justin?! 😏

 **Justin** : for someone who calls himself a brother to me, you’re the worst. 🖕🏼🖕🏼

 **Charlie** : BUSTED! 🧐

 **Clay** : #ThirdWheelRevenge

 **Charlie** : Winston??

 **Justin** : earth to Winston?

 **Clay** : where is he? His last time seen is yesterday 6 PM.

 **Justin** : Alex? Where’s your roommate?!

 **Alex** : haven’t seen him this morning, I left early.

 **Zach** : maybe he slept in, it’s an off day for him.

 **Winston** : hey guys.

 **Charlie** : where were you?

 **Winston** : here. I was asleep.

 **Zach** : told you guys.

 **Charlie** : are you busy, Winnie?

I’m very tempted to take a picture of Monty’s naked back, but a lot of questions will be asked. Wait! Are those freckles on his shoulder?! I can see them with the light of my phone screen now. 

**Charlie** : Helloooooo

 **Justin** : he fell asleep 🤭

 **Winston** : still here and awake. I’m available.

 **Charlie** : okay then, Winston and Justin meeting at my place. NOW!

I roll my eyes, what does he need us for?! If he wants to hang out this isn’t the right time. I’m finally in Monty’s bed and I want to stay longer and ....

"Morning." Monty’s deep sleepy voice interrupts my mental rant.

He’s looking at me behind his shoulder squinting his eyes from the light of my phone screen.

I lock my screen and shifts on my side to look at him properly while smiling I whisper: “Hey, good morning.”

He adjusts himself to face me using his arm as a pillow under his head :” Did you sleep well?”

"I did.” Full stomach and spent cock, how am I not supposed to sleep well?! I redirect the question to him: “Did you?” hoping to get an idea of what he did when I slept.

“Yeah, I slept fine.” He sits down slowly :” I’ll make breakfast, any special order?”

Sex and breakfast, am I in heaven?! No, I’m not.

"Actually, I got to go."

I’m in the real world where Charlie keeps bugging me for a meeting at his place.

He reaches his hand to my hair and pushes it away from my face tenderly: "Why?” he asks with a hint of disappointment “Stay for breakfast.” He must think that I’m running away after last night, as fast as it was I enjoyed the few minutes of our intimacy.

I close my eyes for a moment resisting the temptation of ditching Charlie but knowing Charlie he won’t let it go that easily.

"I can’t, Charlie needs me.”

The truth is, after what happened last night with the premature ejaculation I don’t feel confident, I need to figure out what happened exactly so I could avoid it next time.

"Is he okay?” he stops playing with my hair and I want to tell him to put his hand back.

"He’s okay. He probably needs me to vent about something.” I sigh.

"Alright, I’ll make something light and fast. Your friend can survive till you put something in your stomach.”

"I don’t want you to be late for work.” I’m lying. I want you to be late, I want us to cuddle in bed for 2 hours. 

"Tommy will cover for me.”

Tommy is my second favourite person right now with Monty in the lead.

He insists on spoiling me, so what if I’m 30 minutes late?!

Monty stands up wearing his boxers only, we’re equally indecent. Well, not really, I’m completely naked under the sheets. My eyes are focused on his tight ass, I was never fascinated by asses but looking at his, he surely has a nice one that should be appreciated at some point, hopefully next time- if there’s a next time of course-. After putting on a sweatpants, he wears his t shirt and leave.

I take the opportunity to jump in the quickest shower. Put on my clothes and head for the kitchen where it spreading a nice cooking scent.

He’s standing by the stove making scrambled eggs by the smell of it and the sight of the cracked eggshells beside him.

I took in the view, the kitchen is lit by the sunlight coming from the window above the sink. His brownish hair looks lighter. I want to wake up to this, to him making breakfast for me, I want to kiss him good morning kisses and cuddle with him on the couch after we’re full, I would learn cooking just for him so I can spoil him like he does to me. 

I find myself walking slowly toward him, wrapping my hands around him from the back. He chuckles without stopping his food preparation: “mhhm, you smell nice.”

"Was I reeking yesterday?”

I know I wasn’t, I scrubbed my body clean like I was going to meet the Queen of England, then I spilled half the bottle of my cologne on my clothes.

He says without looking at me: “You always smell nice, since the first day I met you.”

I lean closer to catch a glimpse of a blush creeping on his cheeks. I’m greedy for more so I start peppering his neck with gentle kisses.

He moves away his neck slightly to give me more access.

“If you keep this up, you’ll be late to your friend.” He warns me jokingly. 

"I don’t care.” I say while kissing his shoulder.

"Really? Then what’s the point of a _light_ and _fast_ breakfast.” I hear the smile in his voice. He’s enjoying this as much as I do.

Wait! Just wait!

Did I forget what happened last night with my problem?! Fuck! I shouldn’t be doing this right now, this is an invitation for him to fuck me. What if we ended up in bed and I come in 2 seconds like I did yesterday?!

I withdraw away: “Okay, you’re off the hook for today.” But in reality I’m off the hook!

He looks at me with raised eyebrows while I sit on the chair, I smile sheepishly, he returns the smile then goes back to what he was doing.

I clear my throat, open my mouth to say something then close it, opening it again then close it.

"Yes?” he asks while dishing out the scrambled eggs from the pan to the plates.

"About last night ... I..” I start but he interrupts me immediately: “Let’s forget about it, alright?”

But I want to explain myself even though I don’t know what to say but I’m hoping that my tongue will find something to say, more like a lie to make.

"Are you .. disappointed?” I insist.

He spins to look at me: “No, I’m not disappointed. I was kinda surprised the moment it happened but I get it, things like that happen to anyone, so let’s not make a big deal out of it, alright?”

He ends his sentence with a smile trying to reassure me that it’s all good.

I nod slowly because it’s the best thing to do now.

After breakfast, I called an Uber and I left Monty’s place. He tried to convince me to let him drop me off but I told him I didn’t want to waste more of his time.

Once I get to Charlie’s place, I knock the door, few seconds and the door opened by Justin. Shirtless Justin.

I knew Justin was going to be here, but why is he shirtless?!

"You’re late.” He says with clear boredom.

"Sorry, something came up.” 

He doesn’t ask questions, this is what I like about Justin, he doesn’t stick his nose into people’s businesses. He leaves the door open and gets inside, I ask “What’s going on?” while getting inside, I make a mental note to keep my scarf wrapped around my neck to cover the hickeys while I shrugged off my coat.

"We’re paying the price for being Charlie’s friends.” He whines and walks in front of me to the living room. I follow and the smell of paint hits my nostrils. He grabs a paint brush and starts painting the wall.

"My Winnie!!!” Charlie comes out of his room cheerfully.

‘My Winnie’, that doesn’t seem good.

Turns out the ‘meeting' wasn’t a meeting, it was like Justin described it the ‘price for being Charlie’s friend’, he’s doing a full renovation, he wants us to help him paint the walls, unhang pictures and hang others, and change the curtains.

Justin was assigned of painting the living room walls while I was assigned of unhooking the old curtains for the new ones.

_Ding_

_Ding_

Justin and I take our phones and check the messages. It was the group chat, Zach sending selfies of him with Alex. I scroll through them and put it away. Justin does the same but after a longer time.

"Does it bother you?” He asks after few minutes of complete silence. 

At first I thought he was talking about Charlie using us so I say: “It does bother me! Two weeks ago I asked him to help me with deep cleaning the kitchen, cockroaches are invading the whole place , you know what he said?! ‘Sorry, I’m sunbathing’ , 2 days later he’s as white as a ghost, he was lying!"

I look at Justin waiting for some sort of reaction, anything to support my rant.

He stops working and spins around to roll his eyes on me: “I don’t mean Charlie, idiot! I meant Zach and Alex!”

"Oh!” I stop working and look at him.

Zach belongs to a previous chapter in my book, I let him go. I shouldn’t be bothered by him dating someone else.

"No, it doesn’t bother me.” 

"Just for the record,” Justin says “ I was rooting for you guys, you were my best gay couple, I kind of hoped you would end up marrying each other, you know.”

I don’t know what to say, I hoped the same in the past, I remember a time when I couldn’t imagine my future without being Winston Dempsy. I kind of hoped that we’ll move far away from his mother and her homophobia to be with each other.

"Monty seems like a good person too, but do you think he’s the marrying kind of guy?”

His question caught me off guard. Sure I love Monty but do I see him as a husband?! I don’t know I never allowed my mind to travel that far. 

"Why are we discussing marriage now?” I answer his question with another question because that’s the best escape strategy. 

"Jeez, are you that scared of commitment?!”

"I'm not! It’s just too early to think of him like that, we barely know each other.” I’m such a hypocrite, one hour ago I was living the fantasy of moving in with him.

"Hey!” Charlie sticks his head out of his room “less talk, more work! Chop chop!”

We roll our eyes . Few minutes past working in silence.

"I can’t do this. I’m done!” Justin drops the brush, shouts to Charlie: “Hey Chachi, I’ll be back, I need to grab something from my car.”

"Permission granted. “ he shouts back from his room.

Justin wears his shirt and whispers: “Good luck!”

"Where are you going?”

"Out."

"You’re leaving me alone with him?”

"It’s only fair, I was here since 8:20!” 

He leaves me alone and I cover up his escape because I'm a good friend.

It took Charlie less than 10 minutes to notice Justin’s absence. He comes out of his room and stands with his hands on his hips: "I know he ran away.”

“Who?” I look behind my shoulder after taking Justin’s job, painting the wall.

"Who would it be but the good for nothing Justin!”

I laugh and I get back to painting the wall. The repeated strokes of painting soothes me. I don’t need to concentrate on this task, I can paint while thinking about Monty and what happened last night trying to figure out the problem.

"Are you cold?” he asks.

"No.” I don’t look at him.

"You’re wearing a scarf indoor!” 

"Oh, well ..” I put the paint brush down, I see no point in hiding my hickeys from Charlie so I take off my scarf deliberately with a smile: “I had to cover something up.”

Charlie looks at me eagerly to know the reason of my smile.

Once the scarf is completely unwrapped around my neck, he almost squeak: “Are those hickeys?”

I nod with the widest grin.

"You son of bitch!!!”

I laugh at his reaction.

"Is it Monty?”

"Of course it’s Monty” I scoff :”Who else would it be?”

"Tell me all about it!”

We go to his room, and just when I thought I’ll be getting a break from working for him, I don’t. He assigned me to fold his clothes with him.  
But that’s fine, being busy while telling him about what happened last night starting from Monty cooking for me, to me following his ridiculous plans and finally to him fucking me; was a sweet short distraction from my embarrassment. 

He doesn’t say anything for 2 minutes, and I’m getting nervous, his silence makes me realize just how bad the situation is, he asks quietly after folding one of his t-shirt from the laundry basket :” You haven’t touched yourself since Zach, right?”

"Of course I did!” He looks at me with a disbelieving look so I say again: "I said I did, I’m not lying.”

"Okay, have this incident ever happened to you with Zach before?”

"No.”

He thinks for a moment which makes me break in sweat, I ask:

"Did it .. did it ever happen to you?” I secretly hope that it did so I don’t feel like I’m alone on the embarrassment boat. 

"Me? Never!” Okay, you’re off of the embarrassment boat.” It happened to Alex few times though, but it was Alex, you know, them meds and all that stuff" He trails off.

What’s the point of bringing up Alex into this when we both know it was his meds?! Was that supposed to make me feel better?! Because it didn’t. 

We work in silence and I’ve never been uncomfortable about a silence until now:   
"I’m just worried that this will happen again, that it will fuck up what we started, you know..”

“Yeah I know,” he looks at me in disapproval and I don’t know why: “ but just because you fucked up your first time with him doesn’t mean you have to fuck up my folding system.”

"Ha?”

Charlie points at the pile of clothes that I just folded: “I told you casuals on the right, sexy shirts on the left”

"Oh, sorry.”

I don’t even know what are the criteria of a shirt to be sexy, I’m just randomly categorizing them and I think it won’t take him long to notice that I have no idea what I’m doing.

We complete the rest basket in complete silence, then suddenly he giggles to himself.

"What’s so funny?” I ask him with a smile desperate for anything to lighten my mood.

He shakes his head: "It’s just ... there’s this song that crossed my mind, it fits you perfectly. It’s like .. the song was written just for you. ”

"What song?” now I’m more interested.

He stands up, goes to his wireless speaker, connects it to his phone while he scrolls through it.

In a minute a song with a beat from -what it sounded- the 80s starts playing followed by an unfamiliar song to me.

He goes to his window where he’s hanging the rainbow flag, takes it down, wraps it around his neck like a scarf while grabbing his comb as a mic:   
"Now this is your part, come on, Winnie. Sing with me!!”

I shake my head barely suppressing my smile over this stupid show he’s putting on.

_Like a virgin_

_Touched for the very first time_

_Like a virgin_

_When your heart beats_

_Next to mine_

I knew telling him what happened was one of my biggest mistakes. 

But seeing him dancing and singing with that terrible voice of his makes me feel much better. 

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued..
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the first chapter ❤


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